Rant...

I need to rant just a bit... I need to say it.


VAMPIRES DON'T FUCKING SPARKLE.

When I was in school you were a freak if you were interested in the supernatural. Trust me, I was a freak. I still am but I had real vampires. I read books by people who could actually create a coherent sentence. The twilight is quite possibly the worst series ever made. Poorly written as a book (and thats being generous) and terribly put together on the big screen. I have no respect for anyone in love with a sparkly vampire. Vomit.

It does say quite a bit about our masses obsessed with such drivel. Vampire are supposed to burst into flames violently, its part of their lament. Its the biggest part of the damn myth. Fucking emo vampires.
Seriously, you sparkle, have eternal life, and have all the super abilities of a normal fucking vampire. All the down fall is what? Looking pretty in the light.Their balls must fall off too, thats the only other explanation. If I had those powers with no downfall I would rule the world... easily.

Nerd alert

   So.... Ive been slacking a little bit. Since I've gotten pregnant my goals of learning how to aggression train dogs has been put to the side for obvious reasons. Sadly I had let just about everything dog training fall to the wayside. I have spent my time bonding with gliders and preparing for glider babies. Which is still pretty cool but more of a sidepot than than the jackpot so to speak.
  Diving back into my passion I have been studying behavioral psychology in relevance to domesticated dogs. I've finished a few books by trainers and behavioral therapists alike. Now I remember why I love it so much...
  Recently Ive been watching documentaries on the domestication of mans best friend. A multitude of experiments have proven that domestication has been more of genetic development than anything else. Wolf cub raised solely by humans will still act like wolf cubs regardless of the human bonding. In fact they can even be released into a wolf pack and thrive after a limited knowledge of wolf life.
  In russia a psycho-biologist  has been performing similar experiments with silver foxes. 99% of the silver foxes would act aggresively towards human presence. The 1% that acted cautiously were put into a breeding program. After 8 generations the wolves became almost completely domesticated. Only 8 generations. Thats simply amazing. In fact by only choosing the most cautious and friendly foxes, physical changes became increasingly evident. Short round ears a shorter tail and different color variations. The Silver foxes began to look like a domesticated dog. The scientists even went as far to implant  aggressive fox embryos into a domesticated fox and it had no affect on the personality of the aggressive fox cubs, they were still scared and vicious.
  How cool is that?
  All dogs genetically date back to the silver wolf.

I'm hoping to use this info when we get our next bitch.

Happy

Home

  When I was 17, shortly after my niece was born, my mother expressed to me how happy she was to have a grandchild so close to home. We had often talked about how our family was odd because we all enjoyed each others company but this time she had said something that stuck with me. " You know when you get around to having kids they wont know the family like you did. You have 5 uncles and an aunt that all lived right here, in town. Your brother and sister probably will never be all that close to home and your uncles will be too old."
I cried.
 Even at 17 the thought of my children having nothing but immediate family hurt. My Family shaped my life. Aunts and uncles dominate my memories and I practically lived with my maternal grandparents during the summers. I had a wonderful and grounded childhood because of these people.My parents were obviously a big part of being grounded as well but nothing compares to a big family.
 I always find it difficult to explain how dear my family really is to me. I could never permanently move away from them. Even being an hour away hurts me. I miss so much. It seems like I go to a birthday party twice a month and drive to Delta 3 times a week. My family keeps me grounded.
  I've never been able to explain properly why I can't leave.
 Yes I hate winter, but I love seeing my aunt decorate every inch of her yard (front and back) for Christmas. I love being cramped in my grandmas living room at Christmas watching the kids ooh and ahh over the hired Santa. The same Santa that has been coming for about 25 years. I love drinking wine with my parents on Christmas eve. All those little things make up for the seemingly intolerable winter for me.

Honestly Ive written this blog many times and deleted it all... Its hard to explain and even harder for some to understand.

Hard working hubby

Turn your head and cough...

  Life often likes to dump on us from now and then. Like an unpleasant check up, a fucked up emotional probe.
Like those unpleasant check-ups, these dumps are necessary, though irritating. I can't imagine the person who doesn't have to work for happiness or material things is really happy or even stable. Life shouldn't be totally easy... though I do love it when a plan comes together.
  I have been stressed. Shit, thats an understatement but still its the best word for the outcome. I imagine all moms to be are stressed in different ways. Every time I stress for extended period a end signal flares up. A cool refreshing unbreakable  mood. I am currently enjoying this mood.
  Since before i found this mood i have started some positive productive hobbies.

I have started a veggie garden. Well i have the seeds in a green house starter till they are ready to transplant. Squash, tomatoes, rosemary, basil, thyme, and a few others right now. I need to roto-till my patch of land up and add my compost I have been working on during the winter.  I love greens but never really had the proper space or lighting to keep them from getting brown. It should be a fun money saving venture.

I have also started couponing. Which sounds like an odd hobby for me to have. It all sounds all too domestic for me, doesn't it? But after i started fooling around with it I realized i could get a lot of stuff i use all the time for free... or pretty damn close. Im all for saving extra money and being able to put more back to start our business. Not to mention more money is even better for a growing family. Its oddly fun...

I can feel my baby kicking... Im feeling pretty good...

I have learned to appreciate the lows because they make the highs that much better. I know I have great family because I deal with a shitty one. I know i have a great guy because I've dealt with some bad ones. I know I have awesome friends because I have had shitty ones.
I know when I'm up because Ive been down.

Disconnected...

I find I often have the same instinctual action pattern every time I encounter layers of stress. It seems to be very similar to how a body deals with frostbite. The body stops supplying blood to the extremities in order to supply and protect the processes vital to survival. I tend to do the same thing. I stop actively contacting people and focus on my husband or my immediate family. I don't shun connection at these points I just don't seek it.
  I hate people worrying about me. I know they do, and I am aware its because they care but i hate putting weight on people. Which is why I never ask for help.
  Realistically it is probably the most convoluted plan of action when it comes to stress.
 I haven't always been like this. I have always been very vigilant about self preservation however. When close friends have hurt or abandoned me in the past its hard to remember that my friends are awesome. and everyone else was a sleeze.

Things are moving. Things are going forward. 

Reasons why Jenn doesn't have a real job...

I haven't had a real job since i left my groomer position roughly 1 1/2 years ago. At first it wasn't for lack of trying, there simply were more groomers and trainers than jobs. I still groom and train off and on... but its more of a hobby now. So why doesn't Jenn get a real job?

 Because everyday I battle a tiny geriatric foe. My grandma (in law)is 86 and needs help but wont admit to it. So I spend most days cleaning up after her or her dog. I re-wash dishes, turn off the stove, stop fires from happening, catch her before she falls, etc... I tend to either get up very early to get things done before she attempts to do them or stay up later to fix the things she has done. It is a constant battle. She has broken bones from trying to do things like shovel or mow the lawn ( on a riding mower mind you) but she will still try and do them over and over again.

Because I have to become super woman at the drop of a hat. My husband has a seizure disorder. It was so bad in the past he even lost most use of his legs for around 3 months. When he has a seizure I have to take care of everything at once. I need to know whats normal and when to drive to the ER. I need to keep a memory of every drug he has ever been on so he doesn't get so bad again. I am his patient advocate. Not a single person knows his disorder like I do. Inside and out.

Because at one point I was taking care of my husband and his father. Seizures and strokes....  and apparently the other 2 able bodied humans in the house were too scared or stupid to help. In a house of 5 people over 18 I was the only one working at least 40 hours a weeks. Not to mention we also fed up to 4 other teenagers and my grandma (in law) at any given point. I also did all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, and animal care. This lasted nearly a year. 6 people 5 dogs 3 Cats... and dumb ass people who don't potty train animals.
Rob has graciously given me a break for doing  so much.

Because I know what I want to do and I have the means to do it. I simply cannot get a mindless soul crushing job while I know I can continue on with my dreams. Not to mention every time I have offered to get a job it breaks robs heart, because he too fears that our dream is slipping farther away when I offer.Of  course before we invest any money in anything we do intensive research and we have yet to find the right breed or breeder for us to start with. Its to important to just throw money at.

I still make money for our family in different ways... I still contribute. I have a job, just not a conventional one. 

Here I go again....

I love storms. The crash and boom, the pounding rain, I love it all.

145 bpm today. Baby had a strong heartbeat. Beautiful.

Im very glad I got to hear the heart beat today. I have been so stressed. Been in the ER twice this week. Once for Rob once for Grammy. I hate the ER. Additional stress is not nessecary. Not to mention our house hunting is on hold. Why? Because out of no where Grammy decided she is moving into assisted living and wants us to take over her house and possibly mange the farm land. Truthfully we have no idea why. I think our house hunting being 30-60 minutes away from her set off a chain reaction. She knows once we move closer to my family we aren't going to come back here. Which means the house which has been in the Baird family for around 150 years would sit vacant even though it is willed to us. Maybe she is afraid the house will be sold off. After all the farmland most certainly will be sold off.
   Its rather hard to tell whats going on with her. Still we cannot turn down a free 5 bedroom house on 2+ acres. Not to mention the surrounding farmland is willed to us as well. Which would be nice space for a kennel. But who frickin knows. My inlaws mostly suck, so im not holding my breath. I just hate uncertainty.


Im going to go play in the rain.