Thursday, May 26, 2011

Semi-crunchy?

Lately I've been wishing I could be a little more organic about the way this child enters the world. unfortunately my body has made a few decisions for me already. I have issues with the way my hips are set that make an un-medicated vaginal birth only available for a certain time frame. Granted I have known my hips would give me issues with childbirth since I was sixteen, but I never gave it much more than a passing thought.

 An epidural will broaden my chance of giving birth vaginally, but I have already been given a weight limit. Sometimes smaller built women wont be able to give birth naturally because of their hips may not shift as much as they need to. I am definitely not a small woman, but my hips probably wont shift in the right way. The fact that I am already in a lot of pain worries me a bit.
 
I don't want to be induced, at all, but I will do whatever is best for the baby. I am terrified of a c-section.

ugh.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Brown.

My hair is... brown. Boring. Dull.

This is very new to me not being able to change my hair on a whim. I know its a great debate about whether or not pregnant women should dye their hair, but I would rather err on the safe side. After all I fully intend on breastfeeding, co-sleeping- and possibly making my own baby food why wouldn't I want to limit the chemicals that enter my body now? Brown is just so boring.

I am very used to my hair being an outward statement of an inner feeling. My hair has always said something different about me. Something like crazy, rebellious, unstable, fun, etc. Brown says typical, everyday, blend-into -the-crowd, and boring.

Why am I so defined by my hair?

When I was younger my hair was tied into a lot of my confidence. It seemed as if my confidence was directly related to how awesome I thought my hair looked. I didn't much care what other thought of it then. I guess I still don't. Still dying my hair always served as a pick me up. I think every color I have dyed my hair has added another badge directly onto my vanity.

In the midst of having anxiety issues my hair played a big part in controlling my world. When I felt a break-down coming I often tugged at my hair in the effort to remember that I was real. For me it was like gripping at realty and maintaining some level of control. At one point I was so very angry I began cutting at my hair. chopping away in no particular pattern.

My hair is a direct line to my sanity. I have no idea why. I certainly don't feel brown.


Monday, May 16, 2011

Plan out

   I have always loved the rain. I know, I know... just about every time it rains here I state that.

A few days ago the weather was absolutely perfect. Warm rain, light fog, and a wavering breeze. It was the first time I had meditated in the rain. It was simply beautiful. I've had a hard time feeling human lately. My brain just doesn't want to catch up to reality or at least a pleasant version of reality. So meditating in midst of my favorite conditions was a well needed break. Being wholly embraced by something tangible is bracing.

Its easy to take for granted whats around me. The smell, the trees, the garden, and the idea of whats real here can leave me rather disconnected. I need to be disconnected and stay disconnected. Trying to force unnecessary connection leaves me a bit strained.

I didn't go back to work so I could regain some purpose and some perspective. I felt if i didn't regain something of myself before returning to people, I would never be able to regain whatever it is that makes me... me. Now I've come to the hard part. Adding everything up while taking care of my family and without losing myself again. Everyone gets lost no and then... I just refuse to ask for directions.

Soon enough I will be adding mother to my list of attributes... and I couldn't be happier and more scared. Which I imagine is normal. contrary to belief I am not rewriting my life, I am simply changing the order of events. I need to learn not to plan out life...

Friday, May 13, 2011

Up and At 'em.

Up and At 'em.

Up early today working on my garden. Raking, weeding, raking ,weeding... One  more roto-till and its ready. Happiness is playing in the dirt.

One benefit to living in the middle of no-where is the birds. I can hear them almost all day. Uninterrupted chirps and songs makes the day seem a bit lighter.

I thoroughly believe you have to be a special kind of crazy to love birds. Its goiug to be a long time before I have another bird. Its a good thing. It would be selfish of me to put a bird in a home with many animals, a new baby and not enough attention to go around. Poor guys are so sensitive. Its not fair what people do to them.






Thursday, May 12, 2011

Sometimes I forget...

  Sometimes I forget that I am, at heart, a weirdo.  I love being a weirdo... and odd child... the different one. It offers its challenges. Sometimes its hard for people to take me seriously. At times I am hard to handle. I don't tolerate being around khaki people for very long.

 As I understand it khaki people have urges to buy beige clothes, get drunk, flock together in quite well behaved groups etc. Where as I (and the people i know) have urges to paint giant cephalopods on the wall, mimic animal noises when heard, and drive for hours to dress up and get attention. Now I wonder how people will perceive me with a child. Pink hair and a stroller? Granted I dont have pink hair right now but I'm sure I will need to dye it something funky again. Brown just doesn't do it for me. Sorry Grandma.

Though I doubt I will be joining any Mommy and me painfully suburban playgroups, I still want my child to interact with other children. Living on a farm in the middle of no-where makes that a bit difficult. I will do everything in my power to enhance the life of this child and future children. Where will that take me?

 I know right now I need to find some crunchy Momma's in my area. I fear status obsessed suburban trophy wives and I know that I am not able to hold my tongue around them.

I will never stop being me. I hope that someday that will inspire my children to have a great sense of self-worth. After all I have met women who have tried to be like me because they had terrible self-esteem.

Why create your own glass ceiling?


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Hand-me-down love

My wonderful sister has given me tons of baby books for me and baby alike.

Two of them were my nieces books. I remember reading these books to my niece when she was younger... She is only six after all. I did spend an awful lot of time with her for at least the first two years of her life, when my mom watched her. I remember watching her and sayin "nope, not yet." I probably said that up until about a year ago.

Now its completely flipped. My hormones have got me upside and crying at commercials. I don't cry. I'm very excited for this little person. I am in extreme nesting mode.I think Rob is more excited than I am. He even went out and bought the first pink "I love my daddy" thing he could find. I couldn't do this without a supportive husband.

People keep coming out of the woodwork with things for me... clothes, furniture, books, toys, blankets. Apparently four people are making me baby blankets. I'm digging all this hand me down love. Its really a good show of how excited people really get about family and babies.

Half way there. My family will be one little Pollock bigger.



Blue skies

Up and At 'em.

Up early today working on my garden. Raking, weeding, raking ,weeding... One  more roto-till and its ready. Happiness is playing in the dirt.

One benefit to living in the middle of no-where is the birds. I can hear them almost all day. Uninterrupted chirps and songs makes the day seem a bit lighter.

I thoroughly believe you have to be a special kind of crazy to love birds. Its goiug to be a long time before I have another bird. Its a good thing. It would be selfish of me to put a bird in a home with many animals, a new baby and not enough attention to go around. Poor guys are so sensitive. Its not fair what people do to them.

I am so excited to move forward with baby stuff... I dont even know where to start.

Running in high gear.

<3




Monday, May 9, 2011

Lyla Mae Baird

Its a girl Its a girl!
Truthfully Ive known its a girl... but thats just me.

Lyla Mae

Now to start enhancing my baby pile!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Applaud... or be destroyed.

My first larger test as a beginner couponer has been a raving success..

Today I got a little over $100 in groceries for $6. Success!!

While couponing sounds painfully domestic, and well it is, it also requires a decent amount of logic. An item will only go on sale every 3-6 months. Grocery stores all have different sales, prices, coupon policies, and sales events. This means knowing the average price of items to know whether or not the "sale" is actually a sale. Most stores will periodically raise prices before a sale then drop them back to the original price and call it a sale. It has been developed into a skill oddly enough.

I paid less than 75 cents for all the things that I actually had to pay for. On the free side I got 12 boxes of pasta, 2 cartons of silk milk, 4 big bottles of body wash, 2 big bottles of Sunny D, 4 Jello Temptations, 4 bottles of propel water, 2 boxes of frozen soft pretzels, and 3 large tubes of toothpaste. All absolutely free. I also got  bottles of J&J baby bubble bath, cheezits, rice cakes, shave gel and a few other things...
Awesome. That was merely my first attempt. It had taken a bit longer than I'd liked because I had miscounted and miscalculated. Still...

At this point I dont much care how domestic couponing is. I feel like it is a vehement protest to how expensive it is to merely survive. Not to mention once I work up a decent stock pile I can start donating excess food to a food bank. Too cool.

I dont for see myself giving up couponing anytime soon.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Baby glider photo dump










Selfish

   I keep thinking "if we did things my way, life would be so much easier".

But of course my way involves moving closer to home, which isn't an easy option. I have a house. I am soon to have two.
I dont want two houses.  Not here
It is best for Rob's Grandma I suppose. seeing as she tends to fall on a weekly basis and lives in the middle of no where.
This is where the selfish part comes in. His family makes life difficult. His grandma can't help it but the rest of them can. Honestly i dont understand what is  so hard to understand about stress induced seizures...
There is a good chance I will have Bob arrested next time he shows up on our doorstep. Joy.

I'm very excited about the prospect of a brand new home. I am sure it will make a hell of a difference. Big bathrooms, dishwasher, kitchen with and island, big tubs, etc...
Truthfully the only I really dont like about down here is... the company. Selfish?
Bright side...

Jinx had her babies! woot. Ill be able to handle them soon!