When I was 17, shortly after my niece was born, my mother expressed to me how happy she was to have a grandchild so close to home. We had often talked about how our family was odd because we all enjoyed each others company but this time she had said something that stuck with me. " You know when you get around to having kids they wont know the family like you did. You have 5 uncles and an aunt that all lived right here, in town. Your brother and sister probably will never be all that close to home and your uncles will be too old."
I cried.
Even at 17 the thought of my children having nothing but immediate family hurt. My Family shaped my life. Aunts and uncles dominate my memories and I practically lived with my maternal grandparents during the summers. I had a wonderful and grounded childhood because of these people.My parents were obviously a big part of being grounded as well but nothing compares to a big family.
I always find it difficult to explain how dear my family really is to me. I could never permanently move away from them. Even being an hour away hurts me. I miss so much. It seems like I go to a birthday party twice a month and drive to Delta 3 times a week. My family keeps me grounded.
I've never been able to explain properly why I can't leave.
Yes I hate winter, but I love seeing my aunt decorate every inch of her yard (front and back) for Christmas. I love being cramped in my grandmas living room at Christmas watching the kids ooh and ahh over the hired Santa. The same Santa that has been coming for about 25 years. I love drinking wine with my parents on Christmas eve. All those little things make up for the seemingly intolerable winter for me.
Honestly Ive written this blog many times and deleted it all... Its hard to explain and even harder for some to understand.
I cried.
Even at 17 the thought of my children having nothing but immediate family hurt. My Family shaped my life. Aunts and uncles dominate my memories and I practically lived with my maternal grandparents during the summers. I had a wonderful and grounded childhood because of these people.My parents were obviously a big part of being grounded as well but nothing compares to a big family.
I always find it difficult to explain how dear my family really is to me. I could never permanently move away from them. Even being an hour away hurts me. I miss so much. It seems like I go to a birthday party twice a month and drive to Delta 3 times a week. My family keeps me grounded.
I've never been able to explain properly why I can't leave.
Yes I hate winter, but I love seeing my aunt decorate every inch of her yard (front and back) for Christmas. I love being cramped in my grandmas living room at Christmas watching the kids ooh and ahh over the hired Santa. The same Santa that has been coming for about 25 years. I love drinking wine with my parents on Christmas eve. All those little things make up for the seemingly intolerable winter for me.
Honestly Ive written this blog many times and deleted it all... Its hard to explain and even harder for some to understand.
I assume you figure I'm one of those people?
ReplyDeleteI think you understand but I've been led to believe every one of my friends feels the exact opposite.
ReplyDeleteMy want to stay around this area is something Ive never been able to share. Ive had countless conversations with Nathan about moving. It often ended with me saying "but I just dont want to move away from my family" with a following unsure response of "yeah..."
I had been criticized by others when I found a house in Delta I absolutely fell in love with. Derek treated the idea like it was disgusting. When that option was ripped away from me I cried. I bawled. It hurt.
I miss so much being this far away.
It seems to be the general consensus by my closest friends that being in Northwest Ohio is a nightmare. It breaks my heart to think all of my dearest friends will be gone soon. Then i think "What they think of me because I stayed?".
Being in Northwest Ohio is a nightmare for me. And honestly, the only reason is the weather, (oh and the lacking of an art scene/culture) but my circumstances are different. I'll miss my family immensely, and my friends, but you know my family isn't even here anymore.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you know I understand. I was just wondering because this follows my "Village of Delta" blog. I mean, a lot of what I said was really more positive anyway. I didn't know you actually found a house in Delta that you really liked??
I can't speak for anyone else, but I may be able to propose a theory as to why Nathan and possibly even Derek respond the way they do, may have something to do with the fact that it contradicts your earlier goals/dreams. I mean, it wasn't too long ago you were talking about leaving everything and moving to Georgia. In my opinion, their response may be disappointment/fear for leaving your "dreams." Most of that would be due to a lack of an explanation either way. What they don't know/understand is why you wanted to go to Georgia to begin with and also how much family means to you.
Before I think, "Oh, why is she staying THERE? In ewww Delta..." I want to know the reason before I make my conclusion. You know? If your reason was because, "I'm afraid to step out of my comfort zone..." (which I have a feeling may be one of the things you feel other people may think) then, I would glare an eye at you.
But hell, I wish I still had family. My family is dead... you know? I mourn for what I've lost, but it doesn't give me a reason to stay. It's going to be weird living away from everyone. I can't imagine having children without either of our parents around... that's when it'll bother me real bad... but our lives just won't give us another option, you know? I guess we want our dreams more than we want our families nearby. And you know, you can take that either way. It sounds kind of sad does't it? Simultaneously, it's saying, "our dreams are beyond our own needs." It's just a matter of perspective and we all have to decide which is better for us. One does not outweigh the other in the basic version of it at least.
Or you can look at it this way, that one of your dreams (which I think is what you were saying) is to have family be an integral part of your life. Who can scoff at love? I can't stand it when people do that. Jenn, I will always support you as long as you truly believe what you are doing is right with good reason.
I have actually written this a number of times over the last month or so and just removed it. I couldnt get it right.
ReplyDeleteIf I were by myself I would want to move. It would only affect me if i were to bounce around.
Truthfully the only reason I wanted to run away with Rob was just that, to run away. To not have to deal with his family, his ex-friends, Aimee, etc...
IT seemed like a simple solution to a panicy soon to be mom. I can cut everything out at once and have a nice simple family existence for a while. I could prepare for those issues if the arose because they would have to come to us. Thats no way to live.
I had found a four bedroom 2 bath victorian-ish house less than a block from my mom. It was 6 grand under our budget. It needed some love but was completely livable without any. The day we scheduled to walk through it, the Realtor called us and told us someone put an offer on the house. Then right after that is when Grammie threw us that nursing home curve ball. So i stopped looking. AS much as i want to move home i can't turn away a free house. My common sense wont let me.
I havent given up on anything I want. We talk about breeding and the kennel almost every day.
honestly I dont consider delta my comfort zone. Considering I'd have to deal with Robs mom, teia, the whole church, the possibility of seeing gorrell and his thing places, and old friends who have hit the bottom of their downward spiral... It seems like carefully navigating a mine field for my family.
ReplyDelete