Here we go again....

Here I go again.

My weight loss has reached a staggering plateau. I changed my eating habits, cut out soda and processed food, and I even cut out most animal products, still nothing. The scale did not budge. I increased my activity, still no progress.
So yesterday I pouted. Today I resume The Master Cleanse that I had been forced to stop in month prior.
Last time i sliced my finger open and my husband required me to consume calories because i was turning green.

Today I begin a (hopefully) 7 day fast of a weirdly satiating lemonade drink.

For some strange reason I unconsciously enjoy timing these things so they will be rather difficult .      If you notice my schedule i managed to start my fast so thanksgiving isn't an option. Though a vegetarian Thanksgiving cant really be that bad for you anyways.

    I have plenty of things to keep my mind busy. Aside from being a mom I have a ink series im working on, an acrylic self portrait, illustrations, a few writings and a novel. 

I will try and blog my descent into the Master cleanse daily... So far so good. 

wish me luck,

Weighing In

This point in my weight loss sucks. Ive been here before. Exactly this weight, teetering on the edge of a breakthrough but never quite getting there.

I hate it. This time I was looking for something to break the cycle.So I was going to cleanse and reset  body.

Then I tried to chop my finger off while cutting up fruit for the baby. I got 1 1/2 days of fasting in before I did this. I bled through two paper towels and a band-aid waiting for my husband to come home to inspect my new wound. A little bit lower and I wold have needed stitches. A little bit higher and I would have taken the tip of my finger off. Brilliant.

 By the time he got home (10 minutes later) I was nauseous, shaking and feeling faint. The beginning stages of shock. He quickly forced apple juice down me while he cleaned and glued my wound together.Then after informing me I need real calories (and not weird syrup water) he made dinner. .

There ended my fast.

At this point in my journey I always get stuck and always convince myself to love me as I am physically. Its hard not to. I got married at this weight, conceived a child at this weight. I was all together loved regardless of my weight. I never really had self image issues (until after my c-sec) and I always felt comfortable in my body. Losing weight wasn't really a big deal. I loved me. I still love me.

Now as I'm growing as a person I feel like this shape doesn't fit the aesthetic Im yearning for. I am not striving for skinny I am striving for me, the way I envision myself looking.

Now the fast is out of the question for at least a week, Ill have to find some other way to break the cycle. 

I love my life...

but it can be exhausting.

So next week I fast. I have been doing The Master Cleanse a few times in the past year. Especially after I find myself having to eat more processed foods than I like. I try to buy organic, eat organic, and feed my family healthy whole foods. Every now and then we get busy and eat more fast food  and junk food than normal. It takes quite a toll on me physically and spiritually.

So I cleanse and while I cleanse I meditate. I clear my body of unwanted toxins and free my mind to explore the things I have come to know in the past year. It is so very freeing.

It takes a lot of dedication to complete a 7-10 cleanse. It is rather rewarding in the end. A clear mind, in creased energy and an overall sense of well being and accomplishment. I don't do it for weight-loss purposes even though it does help. I do it to reset my  body and soul when I fall off track. After the reset I resume healthy eating and what exercises I can preform to jump back on my weight-loss track.

I'll be blogging about my cleanse from day one, How I feel. What I've come to realize. My spiritual realizations, and probably how crazy i may feel at certain points of the day. 

Weight loss

I have been a heavy girl for a long time, but I have only struggled with my weight for about a year now.

I know that may sound odd, a big girl who didn't care that she was big. I loved my body. My husband met and married me as a big woman. I rarely thought about it. In fact over the course of my lifetime many people (mostly insecure girls) tried to use my weight to insult me, to no avail. Like being heavy or fat was a surprise to me.

Now after a few years of stress, a pregnancy, and a c-section my body has changed. The  body I was used to is now misshapen and foreign to me. Right after I had the baby I weighed in at 245lbs, which was unreal.

Not only was I big, I felt big. I felt HUGE. Even that may be an understatement. I lived in yoga pants and stretch fabrics. I refused to go clothes shopping. Nothing i owned looked right. I have always wanted to present myself in a certain way. Even though that way may change from day to day it wasn't possible to achieve. Clothes on the rack looked odd and distorted on me. My perception and my reality were way off.
Its time for a change.

 I lost 20lbs on my own. Then got stuck. Its hard losing weight when you can't exercise. I'm 24 and some days my hips hurt so bad I can barely walk. That take a lot of exercise off the table, especially cardio. It seems like such a catch 22. I need to lose weight to take pressure of my hips and alleviate pain, but how am I supposed to lose weight if I can't exercise?

Weight watchers.

I felt a bit stupid joining weight watchers. I mean I know how to eat right and how to portion foods correctly, which is a lot of what weight watchers is, but i needed something. So i fell back on being a bit of a tightwad. I knew if I paid for it, I'd do it. I'd do it and have no excuses not to. It worked. Without exercise, Ive lost 10 pounds in 3 maybe 4 weeks. Thats not to shabby.

Total down: 30lbs

That makes me weigh in at 215.
 I dont have a concise goal.

For my height and build I am supposed to weigh in between 127-140. At my thinnest I weighed 150. My hope was to be healthier, and take as much weight as possible off my hips as I could. Beyond that Im not quite sure.

So I have created a wishlist. My weight loss wishlist. A list full of clothes that would fit my perception of my thinner self. I realize by the time I lose 70 more pounds alot of these clothes wont be for sale, but that doesnt matter. Its all about motivation.

Its all over the place but it works.