Thursday, June 24, 2010

Snippets from grandma....

" I am 70 now, that means i can say whatever the hell I want" So was the statement made by my dear grandmother about 4 years ago. Well she definitely held true to that statement. Though i never thought it would embarrass me publicly...
Directly after her arrival home from the hospital and fresh from knee surgery she began to receive dozens of visitors. Most of which i was related to, but had never met. All whom which told me they loved me dearly. Umm..... ok? the things she said in reference to her body were all together humiliating and hilarious.
"Look at all the yellow bruises! Ha! Look, Im a 'china-men'..." . . . Oh dear lord. This she said to not only family but all her physical therapists. There was that folksy racism i mentioned previously.... This woman still uses the word 'colored', in public. How is it that old people manage to make racism funny?
My uncle decides to use the downstairs bathroom the other day, while he is perfectly capable of going upstairs. Which is normally no big deal (except he leaves the door wide open for number 1), but today he decided to go in and shut the door just as grandma had the same idea... "Danny! Danny! don't you sit down." nothing came from behind the bathroom door. "DANNY! I need to potty!" Im not kidding by the way she did say potty. "DANNY!" She shuffled he walker towards the door and my uncle emerged holding up his pants and laughing.... -now for the best part- "Keep laughing mister, next time i'll just come in and poop on you!" Did she just say that? She did. He was still laughing. "I will do it! Next time I'll sit right down on your lap and poop on you.... we will see how you like it!" The whole rest of the day she threatened to poop on him, whether or not that was the topic of discussion.
She also has some very brilliant solutions....
Like for the oil spill. "Why don't they just stuff the oil CEO's down the hole... right after the president. That'll plug is up." I suppose it would, grandma.
In reference to a recent KIA comercial in where a salesmen is asking for money in order to get down off of a room my grandma says " Push him, He'll get down alot faster and cheaper that way."
This is wear my genes come from... help me.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

A Horrible Miss-'egg'venture...

I am a temporary care giver by day and a semi-closeted freak by night....
Daytime Moody takes care of her grandma and Uncle.
My Grandma, who has had total knee replacement surgery, and my uncle, who is mentally handicapped, need company, a meds distributor, a lunch chef, and a watchdog during the day. Its very mind numbing. A barrage of daytime TV, general generation gap misunderstandings, and folksy racism make up part of my daytime regime.
Being the lunch chef is where todays hilarity began. I can cook elaborate meals from scratch but apparently I can't boil eggs. What is wrong with me?
Egg salad should not be a daunting task, but i guess I got distracted. Probably by something shiny. Never-the-less. I lost track of time. Specifically the amount of time the eggs were boiling. For fear of over boiling eggs (can you over boil eggs?) I took them off the burner.
Peeling eggs that are still gooey is a near-impossible task. Actually it becomes a complete pile of fail and eggs. And if you didn't know fail and eggs looks likes a semi soft chicken embryo suspended between two mildly cooked egg whites. Me being the genius moody I am I needed double the proof...
Afraid to face the grand matriarch of my family with being an egg based failure, I hatched a plan to still use all of the eggs. While boiling the still shelled eggs would be easy, how do you cook open semi-soft eggs still halfly in the shell? Oh goodness, why didn't i just throw them away?
Apparently microwaving eggs so close to freedom is not a good idea. Sure the first minute or so is grand, but then the popping begins. The exploding. The tears. The 30 second countdown became violent, a nail biter. I can't believe this is what I'm reduced to. The microwaved eggs were still usable. And apparently mustard covers up the taste of radiation burnt eggs.
Well no one was ever the wiser ans I was left with a feeling of strange satisfaction of Macgyvering eggs and shame for... well everything else.
Don't judge me.