" I am 70 now, that means i can say whatever the hell I want" So was the statement made by my dear grandmother about 4 years ago. Well she definitely held true to that statement. Though i never thought it would embarrass me publicly...
Directly after her arrival home from the hospital and fresh from knee surgery she began to receive dozens of visitors. Most of which i was related to, but had never met. All whom which told me they loved me dearly. Umm..... ok? the things she said in reference to her body were all together humiliating and hilarious.
"Look at all the yellow bruises! Ha! Look, Im a 'china-men'..." . . . Oh dear lord. This she said to not only family but all her physical therapists. There was that folksy racism i mentioned previously.... This woman still uses the word 'colored', in public. How is it that old people manage to make racism funny?
My uncle decides to use the downstairs bathroom the other day, while he is perfectly capable of going upstairs. Which is normally no big deal (except he leaves the door wide open for number 1), but today he decided to go in and shut the door just as grandma had the same idea... "Danny! Danny! don't you sit down." nothing came from behind the bathroom door. "DANNY! I need to potty!" Im not kidding by the way she did say potty. "DANNY!" She shuffled he walker towards the door and my uncle emerged holding up his pants and laughing.... -now for the best part- "Keep laughing mister, next time i'll just come in and poop on you!" Did she just say that? She did. He was still laughing. "I will do it! Next time I'll sit right down on your lap and poop on you.... we will see how you like it!" The whole rest of the day she threatened to poop on him, whether or not that was the topic of discussion.
She also has some very brilliant solutions....
Like for the oil spill. "Why don't they just stuff the oil CEO's down the hole... right after the president. That'll plug is up." I suppose it would, grandma.
In reference to a recent KIA comercial in where a salesmen is asking for money in order to get down off of a room my grandma says " Push him, He'll get down alot faster and cheaper that way."
This is wear my genes come from... help me.