Thursday, October 27, 2011

Brain... fire... run!

I had one of those most painful crazy moments I have ever had today and I have no idea what brought it on.
I've been on a steroid for a few days now for my wrist pain. It easily makes me feel like a speed freak in a slow motion movie scene. In the right situation I could probably convince myself I was a vampire. But it has yet to make me feel like this...

I woke up like any other day, at 4am to a hungry easily satiated baby and an inability to go back to sleep. I weighed myself (lost another pound), exercised, and knitted.

The husband had the day off and all at once I decided it was no longer time for him to sleep in. I woke him with a special kind of energy, laid Little bit down next to him and began pestering him almost instantly. I was convinced something was wrong. He has allergies, his eyes were red.... he MUST be dying.  It made sense to me. For some reason I repeatedly asked him about his apparent degenerating mystery condition.

 At least until the baby started crying. Which prompted an around the room dance fest to no music. She stopped crying, started smiling. She loved it.... she is SO my child. Poor kid.

WALMART! We needed to go to walmart... right now. I needed ink to print off a pattern for a commission i had no intention of starting today. Still, we needed to go....

I spent the entire ride there forcing rob to listen to hard core punk rock covers of pop songs.

We quickly got the items we needed... and I just spent some time buzzing around completely irrelevant parts of walmart. While in the magazine aisle Husband had noticed a "no so secret" shopper. You know the loss prevention undercover employees who are set out to profile customers with purple hair. He was so obvious my spacey brain would have noticed him eventually. Needless to say it pissed me off. I think it pissed me off more because he was so terrible at it. I literally made eye contact with him 3 times while he was "shopping" for the same pair of levis that would not fit his apple shaped body. So i did what every other normal person would do. I followed him, then let him follow me to the bra section (he looked as if he may have never seen one), then I turned around and followed him until he became uncomfortable.

Once home I felt on fire. all of me on fire. I took a shower in an attempt to remedy this fire. Well, I more just stood under that water and listened to the same song over and over. It hurt. My brain hurt.

The only words that came out of my mouth before I collapsed on the floor in the living room were " My brain feels like a poet on fire and not in the colloquial 'you're an  awesome poet' sense. I feel like there is a Shakespearean poet in tights running around my head engulfed in flames... literally." The collapse was more dramatic than necessary.

I spent the next hour babbling about this or that and yelling at the television with my forehead planted on floor, knees to my chest. Until an ad for a new twilight-esque piece of shit high school vampire drama novel came on. After yelling obscenities at the TV i began another rant.

"Bullshit! Bullshit, this gives me no hope of writing anything worth writing. I might as well grab a blank book and vomit all over it and make copies. Then lonely desperate  idiot women would lap it up like it was a tub of Ben and fuckin' Jerry's. Jesus Christ... i just uncovered the secret to twilight. If i had no integrity, I'd ask  for a bucket and upchuck a best seller."

It all eventually ended. I feel much better. I think my mind needed to snap a bit. It always lets me be creative in very odd ways after.


I often feel disappointed that I am not further along in my endeavors. Why? because I am hyperbolic when it comes to my lack of progress.

I have progressed. I have worked hard. I am happy with where I am at.

I have worked out 6 days a week for about two weeks now. I've lost a little bit less than 10 pounds. I feel great. I've been doing Zumba 20-45 minutes of dance cardio goofy-ness at least 5 of those days. I'm not usually a fan of any "dance your ass off" work-out but I got the game for the PS3. It gives me something other than annoying instructors to focus on. I'm a sucker for earning points and trying to one-up my last effort. i also got the UFC trainer game. I swear I am the only person who would buy both in one transaction and go home and use them both. I'll admit that UFC makes me feel like a failure. Though i spent nearly 2 months practically immobile, I still want to jump right back in the game. Unfortunately that is a bit lofty.  I have been doing other weight training, stability ball, and cardio. I am working!

★ Quiet, I'm plotting....

I just can't appreciate fall this year. Honestly I'm not sure why. I used to view it as this significant representation of mortality and change. Now, I barely notice. I am in, by no means, a bad or rotten mood.  Everything is going well. If i try and figure out why my lust for fall has fallen through I could be lost in thought all morning. I can only be lost in thought two times over and still function as a normal person.

Rob graduates in January. I am so proud. If all goes the way he wants he will graduate with a 3.8 or higher. Then in the summer its off to another school elsewhere to work on his next degree. We haven't decided where to just yet, but it also depends on what job offer he takes. Changes are taking place in so many areas of my existence that fall just doesn't seem quite so deserving of my attention this year.

I've decided to take an animal behavioral course. Its mostly an intense dog trainer certification that I can take with me wherever. It will officially give me the right to behavior test shelter animals, even though I already know how. Funny isn't it? The dog trainer jumping through hoops. Its a very good step in the right direction, but i'm not starting that till after the holidays. After that I need to find another aggression trainer and beg him to let me shadow. "But really I'll work for free!"

In regards to my title I have been plotting... I have been seriously thinking and racking my brain. Where do I want to be in 5 years? On a few acres of land breeding maybe two sets of dogs, chasing my daughter in the yard, celebrating my husbands second degree, and possibly selling the things I've been making for obnoxious prices. I haven't quite decided the proximity to my family yet. Its a yo-yo decision that i have such a hard time with.

Georgia is beautiful, Colorado is beautiful, and Ohio.... has my family.

Thursday, October 20, 2011


He brought me home flowers and gave me the night off. I love my husband...

Monday, October 17, 2011

Things I've learned in my 23 years....

Sometimes the best way to respond when someone asks "Why?" is simply "Why not?"

   I've been asked "why?" so many times.... why dye your hair (insert any color here)? Why dress up with your friends? Why do you have so many animals? Why drive for hours just for fun?       Why not?     
    I don't recommend answering in that fashion if there can be a good reason why not to do said activity. 

Very rarely is one person entirely responsible for anything. 

     It incredibly easy to place blame or praise on one person for just about anything. More often than not someone else has a hand in the mix. When this is considered in some scenarios it can be game changing. 

If you have an open door policy with your family you shouldn't partake in  afternoon sex on the couch. 
    Enough said.

Sometimes drastic changes are the best kind. 

    Some of the most enlightening experiences in my live have resulted from the decision to make a drastic change. Changing gear really fast can be exhilarating but fair warning ive found it can also be bad for the engine.

Joy by comparison is not real joy.  
    Joy and happiness should come from your own life experiences not by comparing your life to others. 

Be anything but normal.


Purple power!

Friday, October 14, 2011


Every weekend I return to my hometown. Its only about an hour away so its easy enough to see my family. In fact I hope to move closer to home and eventually trade the land I have here for a chunk of land there.

I haven't thought much about what moving 'home' would mean. The only things I have considered are the benefits of being close to family, in a familiar environment, and where I would prefer to live.  I haven't considered the factors dealing with reoccurring nostalgia.

Just the thought has me thinking about high school. Everyone told me all trough out high school that someday I would wish to go back there and do it all again. They were wrong. I didn't have a terrible high school experience. I had friends from all walks of life, a boyfriend, a good home life, and I got into plenty of trouble. Mostly high school was boring. I skipped class, never did my homework, aced all of my tests and never put forth any effort. I wasn't particularly popular, self conscious or mean. I was the counselor and the confidant.

I don't remember particularly having problems with anyone in my high school. Everyone has scuffles, but everyone irritated me for the most part so I guess I categorize all adolescent irritation as normal.  I wasn't bullied but I could be a bully. Of course i'm not proud of that, but my mind at the time saw revenge as a necessary survival tool for school.  I had made it a point to not start the fire, but I would certainly keep it burning if someone burned me. Oh how times have changed. I would never do these things now. I would never support it, but I had a bad attitude and high school is a breeding ground for angst and anger. At least I got it out early.

One girl in particular sits in my mind. She transferred to my school my junior year (I believe) and was a year younger than me. I don't remember her name. She thought she was a vampire, before it was cool and sparkly. In fact it became a running joke within my class, people even wore cloves of garlic to school. I'll admit I am weird, I love being weird.... but I know how to present myself where people think i am delightfully quirky not a nut-job. Obviously she lacked social skills and high school is no place to hone such skills unfortunately.

 The things we did were wrong... but there has got to be some level of self realization to it. I wasn't mean to her because she thought she was a vampire, I was mean to her because she knew nothing about vampires and still claimed to be a day walking garlic eating reflection bearing vampire. I don't tolerate stupidity well. On top of all that she attempted to beat up my boyfriend with a wallet on a chain. It didn't work out well for her, she received the wallet back with force. I have always been protective of my loved ones. Truthfully trying to hurt him is probably what landed her on my radar permanently. Her stupidity landed her on my group of friends radar... it wasn't a good year for her.

We were freaks and aggressive at that. My friends were always providing a shelter for other legitimate freaks, geeks, weirdos, and social misfits. Everyone had a chance. How on earth this girl managed to piss off  all of us simultaneously is beyond me.  I have a temper I'll admit it, but my best friend (who was queen of the misfits and proud if it) has infinitely more patience with people than I do. Even she shared our feelings.

its funny how things have changed. Now, I would ignore her. If forced to converse i would be sarcastic at most. Would I stand up for my husband still, of course. I'm sure I would have better ways of doing that now.
In fact i know I would.

would I have to deal with her if I moved home? doubtful.... even if I did  its been forever.


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Four weeks

Four weeks ago I had a baby. A sweet little girl with a soft cry. A little girl who has been so good to us.

I have fully recovered from surgery.

Its still a bit unreal. At some rate I feel I don't deserve to be this blessed, blessed with her. Some strange benevolent being let us be parents.

She sleeps close to me, but not in our bed. I'm a heavy sleeper, Rob has seizures.... not a good bed-sharing combo. I watch her sleep. She sleeps on me.

She is easy to console. She is so responsive. She is strong. I love to be with her.

It comes fairly natural.... which is so odd.

I was never supposed to be a mom. He was never supposed to be a dad. Yet we still have a beautiful baby girl.

Not really...

Oddly enough my gay male cousin posted this to Facebook. I love it.

It fits.

I've been knitting like crazy I have finished two hats and started 3 scarves in the last week.

I've introduced Rob to little big planet. He isn't feeling well. It made him happy.
I love being able to share things with him and know whatever it is will probably make him as goofy as I am .

I currently have fire hair.... one step closer to my goal color...

Set it on fire.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Arrested Development

No this isn't about the show, this has nothing to do with the show.
  (even though I LOVE love love the show and I am so excited for the randomly late new season and movie)

It feels like for awhile my life has been in a state of arrested development. The desire and passion to go forward was there, but the means and the opportunity were not. Don't get me wrong I am all about creating your own luck and taking initiative but at times all of my energy and drive was taken up by caring for others. I cannot go forward and leave my husband behind nor drag him along when he is not physically capable. His illness has always taken priority. Everything else tends to fall by the wayside when your life includes a serious illness. That Illness however,was only piece of the albatross we carried around for years. We have always gone out of our way for others, I could go into detail but it doesn't really help my point....

   For quite awhile we have wanted to move closer to home, closer to family. Having a baby increased that desire exponentially. Whats stopping us? Robs schooling for one. He is so close to being done... I couldn't ask him to pull out now and risk prolonging his graduation. January is not that far away in reality, but it has felt like ages ever since we began preparing for this. What else? Robs Grandma. We own part of her home, and the rest is willed to us including somewhere around 86 acres. Why do we partially own her home? She needs help and at one point she actually accepted it. Now, at 83, she is reaching another peak of stubborn harmful self reliance. She often falls and over works herself before she asks for help. In fact she waits till we leave before she starts potentially dangerous chores. I don't know how many times she has called us back to the house because she has gone to far and ended up hurting herself.

I've torn myself apart over this. She doesn't want help anymore, though she needs it more than ever. I have no problem helping someone who doesn't fight me at every step. It makes life difficult, and  my life is already difficult. So do we stay in a war-torn house or leave and let someone else deal with it? We are really it, unless she hires a nurse. I'm not sure she realizes that if we more there is no one else willing to help her. Apparently she has done this same thing to EVERY ONE else in the family. WE have decided not to cater to anyone else for right now. We need to keep our little family happy and sane .I think if we stayed in this war zone mentality it would be terrible for everyone involved.

We have decided not to buy a house right away. Though I desperately want to solidify our presence closer to my family, Its hard to argue with 86 acres. 86 free acres.  Especially when I want to breed and have a small farm. Not to mention in the spirit of compromise I agreed to be flexible in case something here changes drastically or rob get a wonderful job offer.  Luckily in the spirit of compromise rob has also considered selling those acres if we are settled when that time comes.

I want to breed. Thats all I've ever wanted to do but I wont do it without solid ground to stand on. This is the beginning. Finally. The big steps start now.

This week has been rough. The best friends I have ever had live in Tampa, I have a great friend in LA, and family who desperately wants to be with us an hour away. I am just far enough away from family where it is tough to visit, and so far from my friends where you need to take a vacation to spend any amount of time with them. Skype will be my friend for a while. At the same rate it all has helped us prioritize.

Sometimes it takes something a bit traumatic to get things kick started.

Monday, October 3, 2011


I feel like a normal human again. Pregnancy toyed with my body and mind. I could hardly think rationally...

I love my little girl and I would gladly do it all again for her, but man am I glad to NOT be pregnant anymore.

In the spirit of having my brain back I feel the need to set a few goals.
 I've been a house wife and geriatric caretaker now for nearly a year... It's boring on its own. I found plenty of hobbies and such to keep me busy and productive all while trying to contain my husbands seizure disorder. The latter unfortunately is incredibly complicated and over my head at times. Now we have a new addition, Lyla.

Seeing as I am adding more to my life starting a family I see this is a fitting time to feel like myself while enriching myself a bit. Some of the goals are silly, and may seem trivial but they all have a meaning or a purpose.

Short term goals (within the next two months):

Finish reading my behavioral training books.
Dye hair (blonde and purple)
Create an attack plan for Christmas gifts.
Take more professional pictures of little bit
Create a photography and craft portfolio

Long Term goals:

Teach little bit sign language (when she is old enough)
Vacation in Florida during the winter.
Strengthen my core and pelvic girdle ( lessen hip pain)
Increase overall endurance
Increase my small breeding operation
Obtain an Alienware computer (PC rather than laptop)
Increase and solidify presence in useful communities
       I.E. breeder forums and shows, sugar glider central, ect....

I'm sure Ill streamline these a bit, this is a very "Off the cuff" type of goal setting for me.
More to come... Stay tuned.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Morning Musings

I miss Sex. Its been on my mind, obviously.

   Its been awhile, but for lack of trying. I was in so much pain the last month of my pregnancy that it wasn't about to happen... no matter how much I wanted it to. Now I am in "recovery" though I feel fine. I have 2-4 weeks until I can get an OK for hanky panky. Geez, I never thought I'd need permission to have sex.
Going from an incredibly active sex life to NO sex life is painful.  I feel a bit like an addict. I might get the shakes here fairly soon. ^__^

   My best friends are moving to Tampa tomorrow. I've been crying  a lot but Its entirely hard for me to but all together sad. In fact I am incredibly happy for them. They have both worked very hard to get what they want, and to continue on in their journey. I am so very proud of them, proud to be their friend.
Plus now I have a valid excuse to go to Florida in January or February. ^_^
Little bit had a rough night last night... poor over tired girl. Parenting certainly has a learning curve. I feel like it is coming very naturally so far.