Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Work in progress

Art room chalboard.
This is what happens when I am left alone for too long in a wood paneled room ^__^.
I hated the panels in this room previously but now they are inspiring me to paint. Possibly different textures, colors, monsters, designs or cartoons on the panels.
Its not done yet, I have to add depth to the top teeth. I got excited. Wanted to share.
This is incredibly counter productive.  

Monday, August 22, 2011

I've been busy...

Recently I've made it a point to stray away from my internet life.
 I get really caught up in updating and stalking twitter, Facebook, Pintrest, and  this thing. Why? Well because I can't move. At least it is difficult to move and I'd rather be involved in projects or finding projects than waddling around the house.

I've collected more than enough projects, ideas for projects, and how-tos to last me a while. So I dove in. Made my own diaper bag, got commissions for 3 more fish hats, painted strange things on my bedroom wall, made more diapers, made paper roses, started making an activity mat for Lyla, Organized baby stuff, sketched and more. I feel rather accomplished.  I still have so much more to do. Then again, I perpetually feel like I am not doing enough. Even when I am doing too much.

I've come across an emotion I haven't experienced in a while, recently. Jealously. Ugly green thing snuck up on me. Bob ,Hubs Dad, had recently tried to make amends for being an overall idiot, jackass, selfish prick, etc. Hubs went to visit his father as a sort of tactical recon mission to see if the apologies were well meant.

I expected hubs to come back with stories. He always does. Stories of how bad the dogs are, how disgusting his step mom his, and how pathetic his dad has become. Of course the stories were the same, the house was nearly empty because he had sold almost everything he owned. A situation I would be more sympathetic to if more than one of the four capable adults living there had a job. The dogs were bad scruffy and unkempt.

 Still I was jealous. Why? Because one of his dogs had puppies... again. Four adorable balls of love. He doesn't deserve puppies. He doesn't weigh them, bathe them, make them proper food, know how to bottle feed, worm them, he doesn't do anything. He just lets them run wild around the house. I know its silly. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care that he has lost at least one puppy from each litter because of negligence, but that's not who I am. I care about the babies.

I could have puppies, I could have gotten a bitch any time in the last year. It wasn't the right time, I couldn't have cared for her and her puppies properly. Not with everything else that has happened. We decided to start a family because that window of time for us could close at any time. Could I have tried to have both? Certainly, but how selfish would that be? How impossible would that be?

 I took stock of what I was capable of before we decided to try for a baby. Well after the miscarriage because that was an oops. Could I care for Rob if he got sick again while having a baby? Could I care for his grandma too? Yes. If everything fell apart at once I could still care for everything. Could I do all that and try and run a legitimate breeding business?  I could try. Thats not what I wanted. I didn't want to risk burning out on something I love.

I guess I should call it a sense of responsibility with a twinge of jealousy. I know I made the right choices, I just miss having puppies. I love having gliders and glider babies, but they are a bit more difficult to place due to their demanding nature. Puppies are instant joy.

Its not just the puppies that bother me about Bob. His Step daughter, who lives with him. is having a baby, really soon. Like sooner than I am. Of course she has no job neither does her boy friend. The one adult who works in the home only works part time. What quality of life do any of these people have? What quality of life can these people give a child? I know they cannot care for animals, I know they cannot care for themselves, and I know they absolutely refuse to even try to do any of these things.

It scares me. If I think the animals don't deserve a life like that, How am I going to feel about this child?
Its dirty, filthy even in that house. I know my child wont even visit, and this child of the samne age will live there. Live among the feces, urine, smoke and fleas.

I always try to think that people can surprise me, but these people never do.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Friday, August 12, 2011

A different take on things...

I've learned a few things

Apparently being pregnant opens you up to rediculous and horrifying stories from just about anyone. I've heard everything from hidden twins to a woman actually delivering her uterus after delilvering her child. Why have I heard these things? Hell if I know. Its like an unwritten hazing, because pregnancy isn't miserable enough already. I have other legitimate fears... like having my abdomen ripped apart manually if I need a c-section. I don't need more.
I have a different take on things. So many women cry. Cry at the ultrasound, cry when they feel movement, cry when they hear the heartbeat. Not me. I grin like an idiot but crying just doesn't feel natural. Yes I am creating a human and its amazing, but it is also terrifying. I don't think many women are educated on what actually happens to their body. Hips shift, organs run out of space, blood thickens... even my mom says "people say birth is beautiful, but its not. Its gross, the baby is beautiful."

Monday, August 8, 2011


For the past little while I've been a bit immobile. This pregnancy has given the uneven hips a bit of a run for their money. The sciatic pain is random and  a bit hard to handle at times. So I get to be on a bit of a limited movement regiment. Stairs only if necessary, not lifting... etc.

Needless to say I've been going a bit more crazy than usual.

I've finished multiple knitting projects, taught myself how to crochet, began painting things on walls and pieces of furniture, started all kinds of sewing projects... Anything to keep myself from going insane.

I think I've watched everything interesting on Netflix.

My shower is this weekend. When did that happen? As a matter of fact when did I get to be 34 weeks pregnant?

I did manage to sneak out while Rob was at school today. Played with the dogs, cleared the yard of a few dry sticks and such, and had myself a nice fire.

 Every now and then I love to meditate on positive change around a fire. Fire represents change. I mostly just envision positive energy coming my way in different forms, nothing too specific. Aquarians thrive on change... a little positive change (besides the obvious little girl on her way) is always nice.

I'm looking for a new distraction. Maybe 15 new distractions.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Fish hat!

Hubs asked me to knit him a hat. Found the pattern on knitty.com.

Needless to say he loved it.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Home made ^__^

I had intended on these being in the last post but I forgot. Blame baby brain.

Finished knitted baby blanket.

First attempt cloth diapers... don't judge the stitching. Covers, all-in-ones, pocket diapers, and one sizes. Some free patterns I found and some I made...

Nest away!

Wordless weekend.

All weekend I was thinking about where I was this time last year. Life was drastically different.

This time last year I was living in Bowling Green separated from my husband. This last weekend signified something different.A year ago We were on vacation. We were on vacation with roughly 5 other people. My closest friends, my estranged husband and I had every intention on going to Otakon. A large anime convention that lasted all weekend.

I had no intention of any magical moments, in fact I figured I would be so over stimulated I wouldn't be working on my marriage problems much. My only goal was to see the ocean and he made that happen.

We skipped the convention entirely. Drove 2 and 1/2 hours (each way) to the beach ourselves Friday and Saturday. On  both trips to the beach I cried. I cried happy tears , I cried painful tears. Both days were peppered with incredibly open talks about our relationship, what was there and what wasn't.

  The rest of the weekend was on the beach. I cast my first steps into the ocean, was knocked over by waves, and ran like an idiot from jellyfish. We sat on the beach until nightfall and bought useless souvenirs on the board walk.

   Here I am a year later, nesting. I spent this weekend working on the nursery with Rob, cleaning, and making things for our daughter. One year from Ocean City and I am 33 weeks pregnant. Something we never thought we would be able to say.  We were both told that natural conception was near impossible. As a matter of fact  if it would have been easy for our bodies to reproduce I would have been pregnant a long time ago. Not by intention either, you tend to throw caution to the wind when doctors tell you AND your partner there in no chance of natural conception.

Our marriage is by no means perfect. I had to come along way and so did he. I wouldn't ask for anything more. It's just right for us. We never much liked the idea of perfect. Perfect seems to suggest it doesn't get any better, it doesn't change, it never evolves. How boring, I do not wish perfection on anyone.

   Now we get to be parents. Which still blows my mind a bit. WE are making healthy decisions for our child. Homemade food, breast feeding, cloth diapers, sign language,  and more. Honestly I don't know if we would have made some of these decisions earlier in our marriage.

Everything happens for a reason