Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Click click click click. 
This place seems to make every step sound so very dramatic.
Click. Click.
I am exhausted. My heart hurts and i'd like this part to be over now.
Click. Click. Click.
Can i go home now?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Slimy yet satisfying...

  I'm tired but not downtrodden... which is a nice feeling. Im not sure if the tiredness is due to the pregnancy or because rob and I have been running all over. 
  We are looking for a fixer-upper. Not a terrible mess, but something that can be molded easily into something that fits us. Livable but fixable. Surprisingly there are quite a few in our price range and skill range.  So we have been bouncing around everywhere from wauseon to grand rapids looking at real estate. Wauseon is a bit farther than we really want to go, but if we find one thats perfect then we will make it work. 
  Of course we both decided that if we dont find anything that strikes us then we will wait. Of course we stay  here or rent something much closer to my family. Nothing is set in stone. I have also agreed that if we find a perfect home around here... we will jump on it. Simple as that. 
  I'm getting antsy to remodel. As I walk through these homes i point out things that the Realtor barely realized. I truly love working on houses. Framing, plumbing, etc... Ive learned alot because I've gotten in over my head. Of course at that point i had a seizure ridden husband in the worst point of his condition. No regrets. 
   I'm all for a familiar change of scenery no matter what... I miss my family.
   WE have all the pieces just need a place for it all to fall together. 

Speaking of pieces falling into place... I am 15 weeks pregnant. Hooray! Its nice to not worry about having another miscarriage. Of course I could worry about a plethora of other things but ill pass. 
  5 weeks till we can figure out the gender. Knowing our genes the baby will probably be difficult and i wont be able to know. I am just so painfully excited. Rob is entirely cute about the situation... he would let me do anything i wanted just because I am having a baby. I couldnt imagine having an unsupportive husband. I could do pregnant and single before i could handle an unsupportive partner. 

I should find soemthing productive to do... 

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

More shoes to come...


Hubbys shoes finished. I love textile medium!

He was so happy yesterday to come home and see paint on my hands. 
I'm sure he would work three jobs just so I could stay home and make stuff.

Love him.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Cephalopods and hearts...

Crappy pic... awesome project!!!  

Oh and I chopped off my head... I mean hair...


Oh how i love to change my mind...

lately we have been thinking about to delta. Me moving to delta... wow.
but there are a few really nice houses close to mom.

of course we have considered other places wauseon swanton toledo etc... I think whatever will be will be. Something will show up for us.

I'm very excited to be closer to my family... 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Things to do before I have a baby....

1. Go camping
      I have always loved tent camping. It has been so long since I have gone. In fact the last time I went was around my graduating year. It rained. It was still fun.

2. Go to the keys for my sisters wedding
    Ive actually never been to Florida. When I'm about 6 months pregnant my sister is getting married on isla morada. Praying for no complications so I can go.

3. Go to Jim Henson museum
   He is my hero. It is in Illinois. Enough said.

4.  Get a new Digital SLR
      For tons of baby pictures... duh

5. Go fishing
   I used to go fishing all the time with my family. I dont have a ton of patience for it but it sounds nice and relaxing...

Its funny how life slips in and some of the things you want slip away. I have wanted to do these things for a while now. Most of them. I am young. There is no reason for me to not have some fun.  

Monday, March 14, 2011


Squidy squids

Getting my mind off...

I need to take my mind off of the nursery.....

I am desperately craving something to create, Problem being, my hair pieces aren't satiating that need right now. I want to do something big. I want to do so much. Puppets, dreads, toy chest, window seat, destroy a wall,  murals.... and I want to do it now. 

We need to get all of our tools organized in order for me to do any wood working. Which I actually have some experience doing... odd right? I love making things with my hands and I love to learn so i suppose its not to far of a stretch....

So lately I've been gathering references for my crazy hallway mural thing. I'm painting a a squid (or possibly an octopus) on the triangular piece of wall on my stairwell. A big purplish one. Truthfully i want to put a whole lot of random stuff together in a stylized mural. 

im a weirdo I know. I suppose I never quite think of resale value... I think of how i want it because its mine. 
My house will be wild

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Dads with disabilities. ..

   Like most moms to be I worry about everything. Is my house clean enough? Is my child going to have an allergy to the animals I breed or to the very grassy area we live in? Will I be ok without being closer to my family? Mostly Normal stuff. But besoming a parent has some new found worries that not all couples face.

  My husband has a seizure disorder. About a year after my husband and I married he had his first seizure and on my birthday too. I had been sleeping on the couch because we had bred out first litter of puppies and I wanted to make sure my dog was going to be a good mama. Its funny now that I think about it.  Rob had stumbled through the door early in the morning after returning from a third shift job. Instantly he woke me up and complained of double vision and a killer headache. Shortly there after he laid down and had his first seizure.

  Of course I rushed him to the hospital and spent countless hours arguing with the staff over whether he had an actual seizure. I have an uncle who has had seizures since before I was born and I was often around them. I knew what I was talking about luckily. A CT scan confirmed a seizure focus in his right temple and we were released with prescriptions in hand. A seizure focus is a large group of nerves in the brain that will misfire and send random eletrical pulses through the brain which will cause seizures.

  The seizures were completely out of no where and we spent nearly two years in and out of hospitas and doctors offices trying to figure out what went wrong. His Doctors nearly overdosed him on medication twice and he lost most use of his legs for nearly a month or more. One doctor finally diagnosed my husband correctly, all stress induced seizures. The medication was actually exacerbating his condition. Four years later we have found a good balance and he is finishing his first degree.

   Still this condition worries me as a parent to be. Though we have Robs condition mostly under control he still will have seizures every now and then.

  It is hard to tell a man who is so very excited to be a father to realize his limits. Still it is a major concern for our new family. Most families prepare by nesting and childproofing. We will have to prepare for reaching my husbands limits as well. Though seizures are now a rarity it cannot be set aside.

How do you tell a man he has reached his limit and he needs to step back? You don't. Well not bluntly at least. While he doesn't acknowledge his weaknesses he also pushes past them due to excitement on occasion. As his wife I have learned to be clever about it.  Supervision is unnecessary and it stresses him out, which doesn't much help the situation. I often find myself helping him more than he actually needs. I like to be close to him and that excuse is good enough for him.

Though wee will have some hurdles to overcome it should make parenthood even more worth it. I know how i be a clever wife... Now i need to learn to be a clever mom. 

Saturday, March 5, 2011


I am a woman. Id like to think I am a strong woman, but don't we all?

When I was younger I always wanted to be more, more than a woman. Not in a hermaphrodite like way, but more in the way of status. The things that were (and are) on my mind were always comparable to those of men and were considered odd for a woman or even a girl to have such thoughts. It is said That the male mind thinks of sex every 8 seconds. Well so does mine. Even in the playground I was the one girl who wore boots and was allowed to chase the boys into the snow.
  I know I have always been different but the way I have been different has changed dramatically. I used to be quiet. That is a large leap from my big mouth now but it is true. I was in the group of friends who didn't much care what we were wearing but rather enjoyed grossing each other out and silently making fun of the stupidity of others. I didn't like attention. I have come quite a long way.
  Still through out my changes I didn't like being treated like a girl. I was something else, something better. At least thats what I thought. I made it a point to hang out with mostly boys and To be treated like a boy. I played violent video games and rolled with the punches better than the other girls. I unfortunately ate like my guy friends too. I was physically stronger than most girls around me and had a formidable attitude. In fact I was mostly oblivious. I was so used to being treated like one of the guys I never realized when some guy friends became interested in being more than friends. Most I didn't even find out until  much later in a reminiscent sort of way. I had always had the impression that guys didn't like my type of girl, and I had a boyfriend. What did I care?
   In school I had obnoxiously scoffed at girls whose only goals in life were to be wives. While I have my life established and my future in motion, slow motion, I am now a housewife. I suppose technically I could be considered a breeder, an amateur wig maker, a groomer, a trainer, among other things that bring in money here and there. I am still a housewife.... and Im ok with it for now.
  I have grown into being a woman... but I still don't like being treated as weak or fragile. I still carry my attitude.
 Sometimes I would much rather be a boy. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Stop bitching....

"I know they say its a beautiful thing, but its not. Its really rather disgusting"  God I love my mother. :-)  

Flutters, I am feeling uterus flutters. Which most pregnant women think is the baby moving when in fact it is the uterus growing. Still its pretty cool.

I don't want anyone but Rob in the room with me. I dont want people waiting in the hospital...  Rob and I want to call them after the baby is born. I just want that little bit of time with my new family. Not to mention Robs dad would be in the room yelling at the doctors stressing me out.

I am going to be a mom. What an amazing thing.

Rob is glowing, its funny. He is so excited. He can't wait. He has been more than accommodating... no matter what I want, need, or act like.  I keep reading posts on forums where men are getting mad at their pregnant woman for their cravings or mood swings. I understand that men don't get it, but why be mean to a pregnant woman ever? Its common knowledge that stress is bad for both mom and baby. I am very lucky to be where I am.

I realize I am lucky to have what I have. A roof, a loving family, a good husband, wonderful friends...
I should probably stop bitching.


First of all I'm exhausted. Not the topic, but important none the less.

I feel connected. Grounded. OK I have been feeling this way  for a while now but I really enjoy saying it, or typing it. Either way it feels good. When I am grounded my workings work. When I am connected it becomes much easier for me to feel emanating energy. That odd ancestral muscle memory starts to make sense, but it still doesn't give me a straight forward heads up.

Your body is washed in the energy around you, so what energy do you put out? We create our own reality. I whole heartedly believe what you put out you get back. I also believe it is entirely possible to surround another person with your energy... good or bad.  I think a lot of times it happens unintentionally. When we harbor such love or even contempt for a person that the thoughts engulf our minds, energy is released. Whether it is intended or not. I'm sure we have all felt it in one way or another. Maybe not... maybe I am crazy.

I don't see Auras. I think it would be easier if I did, but I can definitely feel people.  I have always been able to, but I feel I have gotten much better at it. I know with auras there are colors... and from my understanding the color and the intensity of the color is an indicator of personality among other things. I know that reading auras isn't easy and I love hearing from people who can.  For me feeling energy can get clouded by outside factors. I find a lot of people who have energy on the borderline between positive and negative are incredibly charming. I have been fooled in the past. Energy shifts back and forth, I had an issue where i only recognized the positive and couldn't weigh it against the negative. I liked to believe we are are essentially good, I still do.

I have never done anything solely to hurt someone. Have I done stupid things that have hurt people? Of course. I am human after all. It seems our kind learns best from mistakes. Let me tell you I believe in Karma because it is instant when I do something stupid. I wouldn't have it any other way. It keeps me honest. It helps me balance back out as well. I wish it worked that way for everyone.

Yoga has really helped me connect with my body and It is supposed to help connect with your baby later on. Meditating helps me connect with everything else.

Rob is trying to get me to go back to Church with him. Though i know it wont be like the previous hateful place in delta, but I am still wary. I have been there before... It wasn't bad. Very different.

We will see.


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

A lot of talk...

  I have talked a lot about moving. A whole lot. But as it happens that all it ended up being, was talk, for one reason or another. It always happens we start saving and then something pops in the way. Rob and I had intended to go to Savannah between my birthday and valentines day. Then came two blue lines... and let me tell you those two lines popped up pretty fast.
  I am very excited to be pregnant. A new adventure... but now that the initial excitement has worn down I get back into needing a change of scenery. I am the type of person that needs change. I constantly re arrange my furniture, re paint, or just get up and go.  Ok so the get up and go is a bit difficult with the nausea, but you get the idea.
  Of course Robs plan is to get it done as soon as possible. I think he is hoping to see me in a constant summer euphoria. But if we did that we would have to move to Atlanta so rob could finish school. I dont want to live in Atlanta. I want to live in southern Georgia. Not to mention we would have to pull it off before the baby is born. That all sounds terrible. It was a nice thought though.
  My counter offer being to wait. Wait one year. Our 5th anniversary to be specific. WE would have plenty of time to save up and plenty of time to evaluate the idea. Right now having a child without having my mother close sounds terrifying. Not to mention not knowing or trusting anyone to babysit when the need arises.
On our 5th anniversary the baby will be around 5 months old. Old enough for me to know if I feel that it would be a good decision or at least doable. Either way we will put the money away for a move and a house and on our next anniversary we will make the decision, weigh the options etc. If we stay then we will have a sizable  home improvement fund.
 Honestly we would try for a foreclosed home.  Something we could pay off in one shot, so if we decided we just can't stay away from home we can head back here. Simple as that. It wouldn't kill us to have a house on the market down there. Not to mention it wold be easy enough to come back home if we needed to. Well not easy, but not a financial burden.
  A year from tomorrow.