Monday, January 31, 2011

Devious little bean

I am on my 8th week today, by my calculations at least. I go to my first Ob appt on Wednesday, and lets face it I'm nervous.
I'm going alone, unless the snowstorm sticks and Rob gets to come home early to take me. Luckily his job will let him leave to take me to important appointments, his boss is all about family first. Thank god
These hormones are making me grumpy and emotional. Weepy even. Everything, including my doctor, tells me thats absolutely normal.
I read a post today that said "being pregnant is no right to be mean". I would have thought this too before i got pregnant. I have a temper anyways so being pregnant isn't helping the anger towards utter stupidity. There is no specific point of stupidity, honest. Everything is stupid. Only at 8 weeks and I feel like this.
I'm praying that what they say is true and the second trimester is easier. Its the body's way of giving you a break before all of the pain and stretching. Aren't I a ball of sunshine today?
Though in the end It will all be worth it, for a new lifelong adventure.

8 weeks size of a lima bean!

Spacey

I have been a little bit more than spacey lately. My mood is taking drastic turns and twists for no particulars reason. Sometimes i just hide. I'm not quite sure most people understand how crazy i truly am. By no means do i mean crazy in the sense that I should be feared. Sometimes I snap and sometimes I disappear.
Pregnancy is making my crazy surface hardcore.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Alien in me

7 weeks ( even though its only 6 weeks and a few days). Size of a blueberry!

Crazy eyes

He has been a cuddle slut ever since I found out I was pregnant.

Open wide...

Not to long ago I decided to open myself back up to the world. Not that I've been entirely closed off, but I was a hermit for a while. I can't deny that. I needed to get myself in order.

I had made a conscious decision to open myself back up to everything. I needed to remove blockades and walls in order to let everything come crashing in. Truthfully I was expecting to be drowning in a sea of mixed emotions. I had prepared myself for the worst.

Nothing terrible happened.

In fact I connected and re-connected with a few people. Not to mention I opened myself up to more positive energy flow and a generally happy disposition. It is a very calming state to be in. I think this mild euphoria helped me get pregnant.

It was a good reminder that sometimes we put a heavy tag on situations and everyday instances that don't deserve so much negative attention.

Practicing the craft again is probably one of the best decisions that came from this change. I have a lot of energy that needs to be redirected and some of it already has. It is very easy for a person to forget to live their life.

Its nice to see my workings are well... working.


We have the best friends!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

This must be whats wrong with me part 2

For as long as I can remember I have always been around video games. Whether it was watching my parents play countless hours of Dr. Mario or playing the Sega and Super nintendo (with the genie on occasion) at my babysitters.

The first violent game I ever played was Mortal Combat. I have to say, over the years most games loose their violent standings because somethings more gruesome comes out but Mortal Combat stands the test of time. Even bloody pixels can be gruesome.

As my dad got more and more into gaming and PCs the games became more and more violent. I am more like my dad then I will ever admit to myself so I know his choices shaped my gaming style, not to mention may have warped me a bit. I dont tend to remember things chronologically but the first disturbing game I remember playing was Half-life. I'm sure in some child like wonder I wanted to do what daddy was doing and asked him if I could play. Since I was a fairly balanced happy child my parents let me play and watch some odd things in moderation. He even taught me how to play, we were bonding.

Truthfully its been so long I barely remember the premise. I do remember That Dr. Robert Freeman is sent to black mesa, an underground research facility, to work only to find all hell has broken loose. Hats off to the team that program the head eating crabs. Those little parasites made me jump every time the jumped from off screen. I was young, give me a break.

I had played DOOM and Wolfenstein before this, in all their 8 floppy disc glory, but they weren't nearly as disturbing as half life. 

Once we latched onto this bonding point Dad began to bring home other games we could play. One day we sat for hours in a LAN  frag match on the original Unreal tournament. Which is still my favorite game. For some reason I am Bad Ass on the PC and not so much on a console. At least last time I checked, which was sophomore year.

I do have an adept learning curve for these things. I had played Uncharted 2 with a good friend and sucked the first two rounds. I quickly rose to match him in less than 5 rounds total.

Probably the worst game for a child to play in her youth was Duke Nukem and I played it till the cows came home. This was a game with strippers, drunks, aliens, shit, and loud curse words. Of course in those days parental locks didn't have passwords so it was easy enough flip a switch to hear vulgar language and pay strippers to dance.


It was a disgusting game. Thankfully I actually grew out of that one. I still have some nostalgic attachments to most game I played with my father. AS a matter of fact I play them through quite often. Now my 5 year old  niece sits on grandpas lap and plays half life 2, or as she has dubbed it "scary guy game".




Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Found my eraser! I would lose my head if it wasn't attached.

This message has been sent using the picture and Video service from Verizon Wireless!

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What working retail made me feel like...

I hated working retail... I understand this video entirely...

Reproduction

I truly don't mean for every blog to be about this grape sized alien I keep contained in my uterus, but lets face it. I'm excited, dammit.

Rob hopes for a boy because he is the last male in the line of Bairds. Someone to carry on the legacy I suppose, as long as we don't have to carry on the family name "tradition". Jonathan Robert.... Robert John... Jonathan Robert... and so on. I put traditions in quotes because we believe its just something my wonderful father-in-law came up with so we would have to name a boy after him. Fat Chance.  I am not particularly rooting for any gender. I'm rooting for a healthy stress free pregnancy.

Either way I'm painting the baby's room green. A bright lively green. It makes me smile just thinking about it, actually. I haven't thought much about a mural because I tend to get over-excited. I would have it done in a week or less with all the time and energy I have. I'm already a bit nervous so I can't get ahead of myself.  Which is why we decided to remodel the bathroom first. It is something that doesn't rely on the pregnancy.

Since I switched OB's I go next week instead of this week. This Ob is closer, more experienced, and not a tool. My last one left me hanging for a week on blood work and possible emergency surgery. While his office dicked me around about my blood work, he went on vacation after telling me "we may need to get you into surgery tomorrow". Luckily It was nothing, but that was a terrible thing for a doctor to do.

Poor Rob cant go with me. He is breaking his back working 12 hours days then driving nearly an hour to sit through 4 hours of class. He only has class Mon, Tues, and Thursday but that is a lot to do just so we can be comfortable. Not to mention he will be working 6 or 7 days a week until the company is no longer behind. On top of all that he has homework, a pain in the but pregnant wife, and his family to deal with. Because of his hard work, he will be finishing his degree around the time I am supposed to have the baby. Which means he will be here to help no matter what. If had any schooling left at that time it would only be clinical  and it would be a month at best. It means a lot to me, how hard he is working for us.

I'm blaming replacement of my usual sarcastic scrappy mood for gushy mushy-ness on my pregnancy hormones.


Monday, January 24, 2011

Time to loosen the strings...

Ah soon it will be time to loosen the corset strings and don maternity attire.  I will be sad to leave my corsets behind for a bit but I'm confident they will make a come back.

My new attire comes with a hard hat, so to speak.  We have decided to remodel the bathroom before the baby comes. The hubs thinks a remodeled bathroom will be a good place for me to take a quick break and recharge. I think I just want to start remodeling this damn old house.  I know exactly How I want everything to look. I have a plan for every room, every nook, and every cranny. All of which is subject to change when I bounce it off the husband, but he doesn't argue much. After all he wanted this house, he was adamant,  so I get to make it look the way I want it to. It was all in the bargaining.

Our teeny tiny bathroom is going to be blue! Not quite original I know, but I do have this brilliant vision for tiny wall tiles and a jetted tub. A perfect project for me while the hubby is away all day. I am going to plan and construct a built in cabinet that fits the alcove in the wall, partially because I don't think we could find a commercial one that would be flush and I'm a bit picky.

WE are installing and endless flow water heater, which is so cool. They are tank-less and save 70% on heating costs, hooray for being green. Plus we don't have a whole lot of space where the original water heater is so a tiny tank-less one is perfect. Just think, a jetted tub and endless hot water... sounds good to me.

I do realize that I will have little  to no time to enjoy a jetted tub once I have a child and thats OK.  I have no delusions that having babies is easy.

After that a nursery... goodness.


Consistency

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. - Oscar Wilde


This quote makes me feel a bit less... schizo. I have a hard time understanding routine. I tend to do things in a timely manner but with no semblance of routine or structure. In fact getting into a routine is synonymous with getting in a rut in my eyes. 


I don't understand how some people can eat the exact same thing everyday. I understand that some people don't have a choice or control over their food options due to their level of need or dysfunction. I'm speaking of adults making a conscious decision to eat , for example, a can of ravioli  EVERYDAY for lunch.   Where is the fun in that?  


I suppose some people find control and solace in a daily routine. I , however, cannot go more than a few months without re-arranging my furniture. Which, I know, speaks poorly of my attention span and possibly even my reliability. I cannot stand repeating myself or my actions. It is possibly the quickest way to put me into a violent state.  The only way repetition finds a positive place in my life is in art and crafting. 


I can dot for hours, make dozens of dreads, or sew squares together for hours. Which truly doesn't make much sense. Those actions are far more tedious than a structured menu or daily routine. I think it may be be cause there is a technique behind those tedious arts and artisan crafts, a perfection that can be measured by a trained eye. Perfection in life is boring.


Maybe Thats it.  I just get bored, lord knows I am incredibly impatient. 
   
If you want to see an amazing artist, who understand alot of what I am saying. Check her out here http://ckaramol.blogspot.com/2011/01/im-not-hiding.html
Her gallery and musings are here or linked here. 

Saturday, January 22, 2011

This must be whats wrong with me.

Now Kiddies its time to tune your radio (or the player to the right) to song number 3 . Yes, Sweet Transvestite.

I discovered The Rocky Horror Picture Show  when I was twelve. Even then I didn't know how VH1 could air such a sexy movie. I was young, young enough to still care what was on VH1 so my world wasn't to broad at that point.

I remember sitting in the living room while my parents were drinking coffee and reading. I had it in my mind that I would get in trouble if I was caught watching this movie. Of course I didn't come into this at the beginning, no. I came in right about the time a corseted Tim Curry was "Making a Man". I was sure to get grounded but I was raised on musicals, how could I not love a rock opera? I soon became entranced by the movie and didn't even realize my Dad causally walking in and out of the living room. I even heard him chuckle as if he remembered watching the movie himself.
My parents didn't care. They let me watch Total Recall when I was even younger. My favorite part was where Arnold's eyes popped out of his head. Anyway...



Dr. Scott!

Later I became infatuated with a movie with such blatant confusing sexuality. I supposed I never quite understood the societal barricades and lines on sexuality. Why does it matter how someone gets off? Most people treat sex as such a taboo subject but have no problem publicly chastising the person with different preferences.

Everything in the movie is Phallic. While a man wearing pearls and a corset runs around creating and killing human male sex toys, an up tight couple is horrified by the apparent debauchery. I seriously think finding this movie at a young age helped develop my views on others sexuality. Here was this grossly inappropriate movie, by society's standards, grandstanding on a huge public forum.  Of course Frankfurter plans a grand exit performance and essentially get betrayed by his own help, but my mind didnt take any of that into account. I suppose I have always been selective about what i take into my memory.

How can you not love this movie?                   Don't dream it, Believe it.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Miss Luna! This is right before she face-hugged my camera.... lol

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Hair..

I am in for it. I haven't been able to go 8 weeks without dying my hair in the past, its like my odd little past time. My hair has been every color but green, I have reservations about green. Now, I am pregnant and few studies have been done on whether or not it is OK to let chemicals seep into your scalp during pregnancy. Id rather do everything in my power to reduce the risk of a three legged baby, so I'm quiting cold turkey.
I can use temporary dyes, the one that are essential hair stains but I might let my natural color grow. That is until I realize how much I hate it.

These are in do discernible order.... and it is not even close to all of the colors...









Happy!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Damaged

When big brother was home, so Christmas eve, our entire family was sitting around the dining room table. That doesn't happen often seeing as my brother lives in Colorado and Carey and I live an hour away from home. Still it was nice. a night filled with wine and laughter.

As of late my dad has become a bit more open and frankly its surprising. A man who does not know how to properly express his emotions is telling me he loves me and asking for hugs. I think my niece had a big positive effect on him. Christmas eve he said to us " You know we may have never really gotten along, but you guys really were, I mean are, great kids" then he looked at me " You weren't nearly as bad as I made you feel, you were a great kid, I'm proud to have you". Best Christmas present ever.

I wasn't a good child from the ages of 13-16. I had good reason, I was trying to keep a secret too big for a young girl to bear. I was assaulted by a stranger and a few months later by a boyfriend. I was fragile. Physically I was stronger than anyone else my size and even when I wasn't I put up quite a good front. I creeped around quite often and drank, because thats what tough kids did. It made me feel tough at least.

 I slowed to a halt around 16, it was enough. I was done being stupid. At that point I realized that I felt much older than many of my peers and quickly found a similar social group. We all were, and still are, quite superior to most of our peer group I found it was easier to fix someone else's problem than admit some of my own. I'm sure everyone does that at one point in their life. Though I have always been painfully aware of my issues, and that superior peer group is what helped me out with all of them.

Lots of girls have experienced the same thing I have. Everything we experience shapes us in one way or another, that is something we have no choice of. We do control whether it affects us positively or negatively. I have been bitten by many dogs as a child but I still love dogs. I have been hurt, physically and emotionally, by men but I am not sworn off them. It took me awhile to find the good in those instances until I began to help my classmates. I realized that I had experience that they couldn't deny and I could steer adolescent girls in the right direction. Though I still made a few mistakes of my own.  I was often the back up, the brave one. The one who said " Relax, I'll ask him for you". Even though most times I couldn't stand their utter stupidity, it felt right to help them. From then on I always had this deep need to tell people when someone else was doing them wrong. I hate seeing people hurt.

I used to think I was damaged from the weight put on top on me by various issues and heartbreaks. I am very sensitive to all of my relationships, romantic, family and friendships included. That doesn't mean I am damaged, It means I am alive. I feel what I am supposed to feel and I connect with human beings on a much deeper level than I realize. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love deeply and it seems that everyone I have loved, friend or romance, still has a bit of my heart and I don't want any of those pieces back.

Everything I ever have been has made me who I am today.


P.S.
Glad you came out of the closet.... there isn't enough room for you to create and be a freak in there!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Zen

I am standing on the ideal that I should be as positive as possible during my pregnancy. I have barely begun and that seems like it could be a daunting task already.

A great conversation last night (that was actually not on this subject whatsoever) reminded me that I am an old soul. I know what I'm doing even if I have never done it before. I should trust myself. All of us need to be reminded to trust our instincts.  Don't get me wrong, I am still going to read every baby book on the planet and call my mom constantly.

I am going to channel my inner hippie, focus my chi, find my peaceful Buddhist, and focus on karma. OK so thats a bit excessive, but you get my point. Since I discovered my pregnancy I have been a little witchy, in good ways and bad.  Poor Hubby has dealt with the already apparent grumpiness and has helped me curb it so far and the pretty much covers the bad witchy. On the positive side, I have put a knot in rope. That doesnt sound like much does it, knotted rope?            Green rope = Fertility and growth  Knot = Represents baby

Make more sense? It should. I have it wrapped up in a baby blanket and use them both for positive meditation and visualization. I recommend anyone who is having any worries to visualize themselves encircled by angels. Its amazing.

I am nervous, for multiple reasons. Some of which I cannot discuss here for it would most likely become cannon fodder. Its still surreal, this thought, I am pregnant. I say it nearly everyday. Like I'm trying to believe it, trying make make sure its real. I am excited, maybe too excited. I want to start doing everything now. Which is a bit ridiculous but I can't help it.

The hubs is back to work so I have all the time in the world to read, write draw, and learn to paint. OK I know how to paint just not as well as I'd like. The point is I have time. Time to do everything just right...

On the not so bright side....  I'm nauseous, exhausted and breaking out.  Glowing my ass. Its all  worth it I know.
244 days to go (approximate)

Monday, January 17, 2011

Tough Cookie

   I often fell that stinging twinge that i just might not be good enough. Good enough for what? Meaningful existence. I often rack my brain about going back to college and then see my peers and feel so far behind. I give myself quite a hard time. In fact that is where nearly all of my anxiety had come from in the past.

  On the other hand, I have trained in two trades and done very well in both. I was building a client-el before I left petco, for both grooming and dog training. I have viable well paid trades under my belt. Why do I still give myself a hard time? Thats a great start to what the hubs and I want to do with our farm. I'm pet first aid certified, I have birthed 18 puppies (and not lost a single one), I am an adept groom and trainer, and i have this strangely deep knowledge of dog anatomy and history.

  It would seem, to anyone else, that I'm on the right path to starting my own pet based business but I want more. I want to train under a better dog trainer than me, because honestly this student surpassed her teacher long ago. I want to learn multiple aspects of training... not just for a pet but for protection. I want to learn how to show and groom to show expectations.

  It isn't like I have been working at McDonald's since I graduated high school. I have been working since I was thirteen for Christs sake! I also spent nearly a year and a half caring for my ill husband, his idiot family, and working 40 hours a week. It was like having three full time jobs.

So why the self induced pressure? Because I'm smart. I am by no means a genius, but I am smart.

My parents always instilled  goals for me that I didn't necessarily want for myself, but that kind of influence sticks with you. I have always wanted to own my own business and be my own boss. that is not a goal to sneeze at, but i am stuck on very traditional college graduate standards. Something around the realm of  "you wont amount to anything if you don't have a degree" . Unfortunately I don't want to go to school for 7 years just to be qualified to learn  animal psychology.

What else is there?    Vet tech? Not enough jobs. Vet? I can't cut open animals.  Zoology? would be cool but still off track...... I have traced these steps over and over again, and it pisses me off every time someone  says "You should really go back to school". For what? Tell me please so I can get on with it or leave me  alone.

I am stronger than I give mysefl credit for. At 19 I took care of a household of 6+ people and numerous animals. All when my husband could barely walk and was in the ER 3 times a week and I worked a 40 hour week. I took on two trades. I have worked since I was 13. I have been stabbed in the back and front by a best friend. I have supported myself. I have done quite a bit.

So it leaves me to say...          If you don't like the way I live my life, Fuck off.

I am done worrying about traditional and social success standards.
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in the moment of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

child exploitation.

Using a 5 year old to deliver crucial information is a tricky process. First you have to bribe them.  Then hope they can keep a secret. I got lucky.

My 5 year old niece squealed when I told her my secret and I had to shush her down. "Shh its a secret go tell Grandma" Luckily she was in a cooperative mood. Why yes I used a mild form of child exploitation to tell my family  was pregnant, but she is family so it doesn't count as exploitation. Right?

I'm am very excited and very nervous. I am due September 19th as of right now, but they will do some measuring to make the time frame more exact. I am beside myself to say the least.

Time to rip up carpet, move the gliders, and paint a mural. Which i am sure I will be enlisting Kaiser to help. I am stuck on elephants right now, but I tend to change my mind quite a bit.

Rob is beyond excited, and becoming the food Nazi. Nausea is not my friend.

It will be worth it.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Continuation...

Last night I spent a great deal of time meditating on my previous blog. Meditating on forgiving old foes and friends alike and realizing that others have changed and grown in a different direction. Thankfully I have people in my life that understand my forgiving heart.  In fact my dearest friends often find themselves in similar situations.

After meditating I played with my tarot cards a bit. I love to shuffle, but I suppose everyone does. A few simple three card spreads gave me a brilliant uplifting outlook. Past and present seemed to be dead on, well as dead on a a deck of cards can be. Everything takes a bit of interpreting. The future was  a wonderful read. "A combination of myriad energies" Popped up quite a bit. What a nice read, I truly needed that.

Then I proceeded to have a series of dreams about forgiveness, and about finally getting everything off of my chest with those who hurt me deeply in the past. Of course my subconscious was on a positive upswing and everything went wonderfully. One dream took an unexpected turn, let just say it didn't end how i thought it would. but it was a good ending. Trust me it is really only interesting to me.

Anyways that made me break out my tarot cards again. A spread a bit more complex about one specific problem. One I could plausibly gain closure on but it is ultimately unlikely.  I believe in this instance it is called the animal journey spread.

Seven cards representing multiple aspects of the journey.

The first car I pulled made me laugh out loud literally. The first card it down is to represent the problem itself.



The Card was the fool. An inexperienced and juvenile coyote.


It was all in all quite appropriate. The rest of the cards I'd like to keep to myself, after all it tends to reveal a deep insight on previous actions and insights related to that old problem. Not to mention anyone could interpret the cards as they see fit and I would rather not spoil my good mood.


The last card represent me and my overall outcome in the entire situation.






The tiger stands proudly and demands respect. It overcomes adversity and represents using creativity for personal and financial gain among a well known dominance.

I love my cards.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Shameless....

 I just spent some time head banging in my computer chair. Head banging is always more fun when you have a pony tail. My mind is a bit.... elsewhere. I shamelessly copied Kaiser, and added a playlist to my blog. Click on it, if you like to know how my mind works. It feels like an accurate representation. If you don't listen at least scroll through the songs and then you'll understand.

I often find my mind is going too fast, but not in any inconveniencing manner. I usually feel the urge to do three things at once. Yesterday I was watching a movie, knitting and riding my exercise bike surprisingly with ease. I have better balance than I thought.

Multitasking tends to slow my reaction time to jarring events. You know, like instinctively throwing a shielding arm bar across your passenger when confronted which an immediate stop or jumping backwards when you drop a knife. It doesn't slow them enough to cause damage (usually), but it is always enough. These situations always get my mind whirling.

I dropped a knife today and instantly launched backwards in an attempt to save my toes. We as sentient beings seem to practice self preservation well, at least in the physical sense if we follow our instincts. However,  I don't think that we are evolved enough to have the same knee-jerk reaction when it comes to other aspects of our lives.  After all I would rather lose a toe then get my heart broken like I have in the past.

 Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. We don't learn.  If I were an outsider looking at the entirety of my past situation, I would most likely think the worst and advise to "high-tail it out of there". The problem with human interaction is there is always an exception to the rule. People can change, if they really want to.

My husband is an example of being that exception. For years I thought I was insane, and nearly drove myself there trying to force things to change. Finally I made a change, I left. Nine very educational months later we decided to try one last time. We had a rocky start, but he has been amazing. Trust me I'm a pain in the ass to deal with, and he has done it flawlessly. Im still crazy, that energy is just focused now.

Unfortunately that exception to the rule tends to be few and far between, but everyone expects it to happen in that situation. We all have done it at one time or another, given someone one to many chances.  I know I still do in other areas of my life, I cling to people because of what was a very long time ago. Which tends to conflict directly with the things that truly matter.

 I am constantly around loving forgiving souls. We, as caring beings, want everything to be ok and for everyone to reach their potential.  Sadly I think we set that goal a bit to high based on what these people are capable of not necessarily what they want to put out effort for. Why don't we have the same knee-jerk reaction when it comes to emotional pain? At least when we know it is going to be inevitable. I will always give human kind a second chance and occasionally a third which , I know, says a lot about my personality. Needless to say there is a point where something would need to change and some of us still do nothing. That I don't understand.

Still I would forgive nearly everyone who wronged me in the past. That does not mean I would have to enjoy their company in any way. Sometimes forgiveness is the only closure you can get or give for an emotional wound. I still have a few issues that lay unresolved and without closure. Somedays I wish I could figure out how to contact the perpetrators and just make them understand how I felt. Some of them I'd like to hit with my car.

I think all in all we fear being alone. No lover, no friends, and no family would be a miserable existence. Forgiveness lays in our heart and we say 'just one more time'. Truthfully I hope the human race will stay forgiving. There is no path to love if you can't forgive those in your past.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Birthday Girl

January 22cnd I will be 23. My birthday has signified something different every year. 

Two years ago I had a large dinner with my husband and friends at the elephant bar. 

Last year I was separated from my husband and spent the beginning of my birthday with my boyfriend and the rest of my birthday weekend with my very best friends and some adopted family. 

This year I have fixed things with the hubs and he is planning me a snowball fight. I hope we can pick a day where everyone can come. I know that is hard seeing as everyone is so busy now and sadly Derek is already gone. 

This birthday is going to be difficult. This will be the last year my best friends will all be in the same state. These people are truly the best most loving  people I have ever met in my life, and im going to have to learn how to use a phone. Which doesn't seem like its going to be enough. It will definitely be a new adventure. 

This birthday is going to be very different to say the least. No i am not having any unrealistic quarter-life crisis or planning to up and run away. I do however have a lot on my mind and a brand new road ahead of me. 

I apologize for being so vague. Maybe I'm trying to be mysterious or, more likely, maybe  I am a bit unsure about how I am going to run that road. I obviously wouldn't want to explain a plan that has no substance.

I put a knot in a green piece of rope today. 

 

Monday, January 10, 2011

Psychosis



I have always held a high regard for psychology. While it is considered a soft science I often find that the facts presented within the subject to be absolute or  at least somewhere near it. 


I have been told that creative minds are statistically more likely to develop schizophrenia, sometimes I feel like I'm halfway there. 
My interest has always been on the psychosis side of  psychology. It is nothing new to me to be attracted to the darker side of things...



Introduction to Psychosis
Psychosis is chaotic thinking that is the result of a severely impaired reality test ( the patient cannot tell inner fantasy from outside reality). Some psychotic states are short-lived and transient (microepisodes). These last from a few hours to a few days and are sometimes reactions to stress. Psychotic microepisodes are common in certain personality disorders, most notably the Borderline and Schizotypal. Persistent psychoses are a fixture of the patient's mental life and manifest for months or years.
Psychotics are fully aware of events and people "out there". They cannot, however separate data and experiences originating in the outside world from information generated by internal mental processes. They confuse the external universe with their inner emotions, cognitions, preconceptions, fears, expectations, and representations.

I'm sure everyone has come into contact with people like this, some of us more than others. Sometimes it is hard to realize that this is truly a sickness that calls for medication.  A spiteful or vengeful psychotic can be a lot to deal with, especially when they are seeking revenge from their own delusions. 

I have toyed with the idea of being a professional psychologist. Honestly, as I get older I realize that I don't have much tolerance for people. that is most definitely a problem. I imagine it would be different, sitting in an office, but it is hard to put myself in those shoes.  I cannot deny that my tolerance for mankind is shrinking with every illiterate idiot that enters my life. I also have an unfailingly forgiving heart, that tends to get me into trouble. The combination of intolerant yet forgiving does not make for a good therapist. After all I couldn't ethically tell a patient to "get over it" or "stop being an idiot", as much as I know i would want to. I would probably end up driving myself crazy by forcing my opinions out the door. 


I deal with these people in my everyday life unfortunately, I would love to have the power to commit a few of them, but to deal with that in both my personal and professional life would be a bit much. Frankly Ive learned how to ignore it anymore it is just a nuisance or a pitiful form of entertainment.



Fun fact:
delusion is "a false belief based on incorrect inference about external reality that is firmly sustained despite what almost everyone else believes and despite what constitutes incontrovertible and obvious proof or evidence to the contrary".










Sunday, January 9, 2011

Favorite music...

http://bear-stitches.deviantart.com/
The lives of the wicked should be made brief

For the rest of us death will be a relief
We all deserve to die.
You can have the kingdom, you can have the crown, 

but you won't have the people. 

no, we'll see you down.
I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane





I am influenced by music on a day-to-day basis. In fact I find it is often necessary to stimulate my creative state. Music has provided a synthetic state of euphoria for me all of my life. You might compare it to a mild high. Exploring my memories I have found it funny how I attach myself to certain music for different reason. 


    Perhaps one of my favorite Musicals is Sweeney Todd. Shocking right? I quite enjoy singly this song loudly and off key in public

Sweeny todd -Epiphany
"The lives of the wicked should be made brief
For the rest of us death will be a relief
We all deserve to die."



My favorite band has always been matchbook romance even though they are no longer together. At first they were sophomoric at best and i was almost embarrassed to introduce it to my friends. they progressed into something beautiful, Still I love every bit of them...

Matchbook Romance - My mannequin can dance
"you can have the kingdom, you can have the crown,
but you won't have the people.
no, we'll see you down."



I became very attached to this song  due to an emotive dance. A contemporary piece on So you think you can dance... 

Dancing- Elisa  
"So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong"


Pink Floyd moves nearly everybody, there is nothing new for me to say about them.....
Pink floyd -Brain damage
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane





Thats was fun. 

I am awake... with random musings.

Actually I have been awake since around 5 am. I got a solid 4 maybe 4 1/2 hours of sleep. Some nights, thats really all I need. Most people my age enjoy staying up late. I do too for the most part, but I really love waking up obnoxiously early. 4 am seems to be my favorite time of the night (or morning if you prefer). Around that time is when night mixes in with morning and it feels like I am alive in the energy around me. I suppose I truly am a gypsy.  Damn crazy stick lady.


I can't express how much I really love Deviantart. I have recently tried to do some mixed media emotive pieces. It is quite refreshing to not care so much about proper proportion. Though putting art on deviant art is like dropping a message bottle in the ocean.  It can be seen by many at one moment and disappear into the depths the next.  Though for that moment my fellow deviants find it and favorite, scrutinize, or disregard it. It makes me happy to be part of such a community, even if I am an amateur artist with professional tools.
Check me out: http://bear-stitches.deviantart.com/


I have been keeping myself busy. Just this morning I finished another chapter of my novel. It is taking shape quite nicely. In fact i find mysefl talking out loud as the characters to ensure the validity of the dialogue. Its helps tremendously and it add to my crazy factor. Which is always a plus. I have to be cautious. I cant get burnt out on writing. Two blogs and a novel could be a lot to keep a float but I do have plenty of time. Two of the three projects require research. Surprisingly I rather enjoy research.


I spent an hour meditating this morning. It didn't feel like an hour, meditating tends to time-warp me forward without my consent. Visiting my own ethereal plane is intoxicating. It is where my creative soul resides and retreats when necessary. I hope to live in the altered state of consciousness someday, continually bathed in white light. Again I feel balanced.












Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.








Oscar Wilde

Friday, January 7, 2011

Journey...

I have recently chosen to take charge of my spiritual path. I started another blog called Gypsy Magic that will be a Journal or digital book of shadows. Though no one will see my actual book of shadows, unless they are close to me. That is probably the only traditional element i add to my life's path. There is some comfort in tradition.

Doing this has told me a few things:
1. I  feel the need to be enlightened further in my life.
2. I hope that people will seek me out and we can all be in the same boat together. Somewhere in between new and adept.
3 I have far to much time on my hands.

A chunk of my religious library that I am forever adding to.



Any which way you slice it I am doing this to better myself. It has fit well into my transformational regime. I plan to study everything in my religious library. This includes my confirmation bible, which i haven't picked up since the eighth grade, and bhagavad-gita as it is. Which, if memory suits me, deals with the Hindu religion. I could be wrong but frankly i don't want to go  pick it up.







I have spent nearly and hour on my bike today and about 30 minutes on my exercise ball. I have been spending around an hour on my bike everyday. Its actually quite relaxing to read and ride until I work up a good sweat. I have also started eating 6 small meals a day. 3 400 calorie meals 2 100 calorie meals and a 50 cal snack. This is much more than I normally eat in a day but it has definitely kept my energy up. I just need to remember to eat lunch because shoving a bigger meal in before bed just doesn't work out well. I don't restrict myself, just portion. Surprisingly it hasn't been too difficult due to my lack of appetite issues.

I have just finished my About me page in my Gypsy magic blog and now i intend to go read another chapter of Nocturnal Magic.

Society attacks early, when the individual is helpless.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Upstairs....

I love walking up my stairs. Ascending to my bedroom, art room, glider room etc...the upstairs is almost entirely mine. We are painting the art room this summer and hopefully replacing the windows. Its a bit too cold for me to work in right now. I'm a wuss and i like to wear tank tops which doesn't work so well in a chilly art room. The room is going to art out as a stark white with one lime green wall and one alcove will be all chalkboard or dry erase board.
I would like to put wood (or wood substitute) down in the glider room. It would be so much easier to clean. Not to mention that room will turn into a nursery when we are ready. Ive always wanted a nursery with a hand painted mural and wood floors.
The reason i truly love climbing the stairs is my animals. Three dogs wait patiently behind me. An old dog escorts me to the steps but goes no further because of his hips. Two small dogs wait for the signal that they can come bounding up after mom. The kitten waits between the rungs of the banister and reaches out to touch noses with me. Two ferrets in the hall way alcove stick noses out of the cage to touch my hand as I walk by. And at night gliders bark happy barks and rush to the front of the cage.
Its a great feeling.
I cant wait to have puppies but Ive resigned to setting up shop so my out building looks professional before I breed. The building is already a great size. Independently  heated, well insulated, and it looks like a little shop. Im not a fan of the garage door but if i connect it to a dog run then it wont look bad, It will have a function. I almost have all the means to have a small grooming shop out there. I have the storage, space, ventilation,  and tables all ready to go. i would really just need a tub and a forced air dryer. I still have and  maintain all of my professional tools.  I could always groom farm dogs and pets on the cheap in between breedings.
Hopefully I can apprentice an aggressive dog trainer... or rather a trainer who specializes in bite train, guarding and protection.
 I am tired.... Off i got to ride and read...

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl 

Rave party photo dump...

 I hate the way i look in most of these pictures... when I drink I tend to bring my chin towards my chest and create the illusion that I have 4 chins.... Ive lost 10 pounds all together... I cant really let these get me down... here we go...









Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Rave night...


Random Works in progress....

I have been working on a little bit of everything.... and here is some of it...



I knit a scarf for my Mom for Christmas and my sister put in an order for hers. Her birthday is two weeks before mine so that wont be an issue

Knit, Purl, Knit....

The patterns are from my new knitting book.






I keep working on my pen and ink and getting disinterested. I really enjoy this picture but for some reason I want to do a portrait in charcoal.

It is turning out quite well despite the fact I am moving so slowly..


Hooray for cross hatching and pointalism... and stupidly expensive pens....




Front of my wig. Its super fun yet entirely tedious to make.
Thousands of larks head knots...

There is hair in the back but not much....

 I don't have the resources to finish my wig the way I want to at the moment, I need to get to the hair store.

I think i might wear it tonight under that hat...


Then there is me... I felt like a work in progress put on hiatus for quite a while. The hiatus has been lifted and my wanderlust restored.  Ive lost around 8 pounds mostly from being sick. Ive kept it off because Ive changing my eating habits bit by bit. I will not starve myself, been there. I also plan to call my enrollment advisor about my psych degree today... Here i go.