Friday, July 20, 2012

Moving on...

Moving on with life as it is.

I've written various statements on this blog as to who or what I am in life. Most of these statements filled with idealized descriptors and self realized faults.

Lately I feel different

I know who I am. I've obviously stated that here an obnoxious amount.

Even through my life changes I am who I am.

I am very ready to move. I feel very alone here. Even surrounded by people I feel alone.

I explored a bit of a thought experiment with my previous attachments to people in life.

Would I feel this alone if I retained all of my 'old friends'? Stipulating problems would have been resolved and everyone on be good terms. I have had a lot of people in my life. Postulating scenarios in which our lives have changed and grown would, from an outside perspective, seem more favorable than my current friendships. A lot of my previously discarded friends have similar life styles to mine.

But I imagine sitting in a room full of people who barely scratch the surface of life; of me.
Perhaps the surface of my being and those I hold dear is comparable to the discarded friends deepest depths.

I can't really lay blame on them for not exploring the depths of life. How can they fathom depth if they themselves have none.

I do hold them, or my lasting image of them, dear to me. If it wasn't for these discarded people my life would not have been the same.

I do hope the universe makes life simple for them, for their lack of depth.

I also hope that the universe realizes the depth of my loved ones and grants us some leeway.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Forks over knives.

A few of my friends have been asking me and the hubs to watch this documentary called Forks Over Knives. It took me a while to get around to it not because I didn't care but because I have little free time to devote my full attention to it. Yesterday I caught a break. My niece ( whom I babysit) left just as the baby went down for a nap.
I love documentaries but I usually don't like food documentaries. Most of them seem to make you feel guilty for being born into this awful, obese, consumerist, ignorant world as if we had a choice. Most of them attack you for being one thing or another.
Forks Over Knives does not. It provides very sound science for its reasoning. The reasoning? That people thrive much better on a whole goods plant based diet. Reverting to being a vegetarian with little dairy protein has shown to stop cancer growth, reverse diabetes, cure heart disease and so much more.
The pure honesty of the movie scared me. All of the diseases mention run in hubs family. ALL OF THEM.
All of my friends are vegetarian. I had struggled with the idea for some time now. I don't like hurting animals but at the same time I am on medication that is undoubtedly tested on animals and so is hubs. Being a vegetarian didn't seem like enough. I felt as if I'd be a hypocrite. I can argue it back and forth so many ways but all in all I could not look a cow in face today and have it for dinner tomorrow.

This documentary put me over the edge. Especially if our health could improve enough to not need those animal abusive drugs.

Even hubs was sold. Which is a feat let me tell you.

We are officially a vegetarian family. Now and forever.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Because sad.

Up at 4:30 this morning for no other reason besides, well, sad.

My vacation was amazing. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace in the presence of my dearest friends. I only wish Hubs could have shared it with me.

We had wonderfully existential conversation. Danced wildly. Vowed to never drink tequila again. Fell asleep as the sun came up. Laughed uncontrollably. Enhanced our perception. Compared each other to the characters in an anime.

Beautifully transcendent.

Now I sit and think about what I'm going to do today. We are going to attend yet another cookout hosted by my large polish family. I will listen to my Grandma complain about my blue hair. I will hear one uncle get louder as he drinks more and listen to another uncle tell the same joke I've heard a dozen times now. I will watch my nieces play in the pool.

It's a lovely dynamic. My husband calls us the Brady bunch though we are far from it. Still, I find myself yearning for the family that found me and nurtured me not because they had to but because they wanted to. My blood is wonderful, folksy, and fun. My transcendent family is so much more

. I love my parents, siblings, aunts uncles ect. But let's face it I am a blue haired, intelligent, tattooed, bi-sexual, unapologetic witch in the midst of a repressed catholic Midwestern tribe.

I want my daughters life to be enriched by the genuine hearts of my friends. I want our oddity, difference and reverence for life to be normal for her. If she is as different as the rest of us then I don't want her to face to confusion an frustration of naturally struggling against social norms.

I miss my family deeply.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Today I am heavy. Heavy of heart to leave behind (albeit temporary) my dearest family. My body is weak and my soul feels so very fragile, Something like porcelain.
Something so wonderful cannot be ignored.