Sunday, January 22, 2012

New year

I've been drinking vintage whiskey from an antique king kong... not even kidding. Its a mild celebration of the renewal of my existence. 24 doesn't feel that significant but it is a new year after all... oh the places we can go.

My birthday always renew my love/hate relationship with Facebook. 30-50 odd people whom you've barely ever spoken to, or have never spoken to at all, are suddenly casting warm birthday wishes your way.  Bite me.

I may be drunk, but lets not let that get in the way.

I cried today. I cried because I couldn't fix my friends problems... I cried because I can't move in the blink of an eye, because I cant lift the heaviness. I want to so badly. I fantasize about winning money, and how I would buy my friends houses, cars, and pay off their tuition. Sometimes I search my heart, my existence for something to say. I want some zen-like piece of knowledge to make sense out of  everything. Not for me, but for you. When i can't find it, I hide either behind a set of words that express true love but utter confusion... or just in totality.

I am that person who just desperately wants to make everything better.

I hate the fact that I need a mood altering substance to create a viable pathway between my emotions and my brain. My circuit board is a little screwy.

Often I stop myself from truly venting here, my blog, my space to say what I want. Why? because of some prying little weasels that I truly do not want privy to my insights my thoughts my passions and my troubles. Why do they deserve to hear whats really rattling around in my brain? I dont care anymore... have at it.

Knowing what I know just enhances my willingness to become blunt. Fuck off
Grind salt into the wound for all I care.

Do not mistake any of this nonsense for a off handed warning sign. I have not contracted a morbid sense of self, rather I have been rewarded with the knowledge of mortality. A sense of urgent participation in life's games that I may not have added my mark to.

After all, I may be drunk.

Thursday, January 19, 2012


I always wanted to promote my writings, my blogs, my arts and what not. I know how, I do have some time to do it, but all in all I never really get to it.

Why? Because I can't force myself to commit. I am a mom, a new mom. And yet this sure as hell isn't a mommy blog even if I do blog about L every now and again. I am an artist, but I can't post tons of pictures of my works because they are so random. A bit hard to follow... like everything I do.
Life isn't all about one thing. My life includes being a mom, an artist, a wife, a gamer, a friend, a crafter, a raving lunatic and so much more.

I want to create an Esty store, but again I can't commit. I jump around so frequently. My store would be filled with weird and classic knits, funky art prints, handmade baby toys, and other curiosities. All in all there would be no cohesion. The style and theme would range from obnoxiously cute to disturbingly morbid. Maybe I could create my own brand of random.

I have so many goo ideas. Especially now that I am experiencing this existential transformation. Out of nowhere these images and ideas (good and bad) pop into my head and I go rushing to my sketchbook like a madwoman to scribble out a rough interpretation with notes and suggestions. I scour random references which spark more Ideas and more incomprehensible scribbling.

I've sold things I've made in the past. Half a dozen dead fish hats... bags... dreads and a few other things. I made a decent profit.

I should just do it.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


... thats exactly how I feel, uninhibited. Dear god what a beautiful feeling.

I've been up and down and up and down.... Now is seems there is no such thing as up, no such thing as down. Not for me at least. I am beginning to understand myself, my journey and my world.

I've been trying things... all kinds of things. Penny auctions, sweepstakes, painting, writing, ... Ive been reading things Id never read, watching shows Id never give a chance just because I can.

I hung a brightly colored noose on my wall, and I think its hilarious. I may make more... I wish I could explain it... I have the words buts its not the time.

I have been fasting. Another new venture.  Just one day a week... with this special drink designed to keep your body in tact... not starving it. Its a practice in will power as much as it is a physical detox. I fast the day after we get groceries. I meditate while L sleeps. Fasting forces me to concentrate elsewhere, and keep myself so bust as to forget about food.

I am very lost yest very in love.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Find me

If you find me here, covered in paint, twisted in yarn and wrapped in a lie,
Leave me be.
Leave me feel the depth of the shallow soul,
Leave me wonder why.
Leave me to forever match colors with an unknowable feeling,
Leave me revel in beautiful nothing.
Leave me create a tragic ending to a story with no end,
Leave me be.

Eyelash noose... :)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Introverted Introspection

This test this stupid typology test,  in its own right, is brilliant.

Most of the people I know have walked around feeling different, and typically proud to be so. Though I have to admit explaining your difference can be exhausting. Now by a simple test we are labeled. Four letters that represent things we are prone to doing or feeling.

I think at first its insulting. Labeling those who have never been labeled. I cried and cried at my diagnosis. INFJ, the rarest, roughly 1% of the population. Thats very lonely on its own, but I've found people. People just as rare but different in each way. Instinctively we found each other. Freaks band together. I've always had people to relate to, to prove to me that we are always more than what we seem.

I forgot how different we were for a time being. We banded together. Hell we even lived together. I fought it most of the way, which is entirely indicative of my type. (at this point its become more funny than frustrating)

I found out really how different I was when I had a "normal" boyfriend. I didn't understand why he didn't get me after months... why he couldn't realize when I was hurt, or what little things may hurt me. I held almost all of myself from him, every time I let that slip I got a look. A look that suggested I was batshit crazy. I look i didn't deal with well. Its a very cold way to deal with people, letting them only deal with the surface. I now understand completely why I do it and how often it occurs.

Its become amusing how much we all fit our types. Its also helping me communicate on a more successful level, slowly but surely. A dear extrovert friend suggested that the typing helped her communicate more effectively, and shes communicate extremely well on her own already. Imagine what it could do for me.

Its certainly helped my husband to think a bit about what he says to me, for I may think way to much about its "deeper meaning". On the other hand I'm learning not to look to far into EVERYTHING.

It has also solidified my odd ability to know people. To know when someone is lying without being able to explain why. To pick up a bad vibe or even a good one and instinctively know what to do with people.

Its a wonderful tool for my recent journey in introspection.
Yes, I do realize the hilarity in that.


Monday, January 9, 2012


Ive been meaning to take this test.     -a personality typology test.

 In all honesty I did take it when I was feeling really really down. I answer honestly both times.
In my down state I scored INFJ

In my day to day mode I scored ENFJ

Introveted versus Extroverted. All in all I want to think my "day to day" score is what I want to be and not what I really would be typed as.In this state of being that I have been in its hard to trust my own judgement. In trying to find myself it makes it very difficult to associate myself with one and not the other.

ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types

INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them

INFJ-They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. 

I genuinely want feedback from those who know me.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Small weekly inspirations...

I know its Cher but bear with me... really you can get the point from  30seconds.

Derek Hess... Mix media mostly pen and ink dark and imaginative (to a point) 

Ive always wanted to make a monster. :) 

And here is a little something from me