Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Beachy Keen

Today is grey, but not a wholly dark depressing grey. It has quite a light lovely chill behind a veiled dim blue.

Its really my favorite sort. The air is crisp and the earth seems devoid of human existence. If I had the day to myself I'd find myself on the beach. Feet dug in the sand and body wrapped in some sort of fabric. I could stare at the choppy waters for hours lost in thought, alone and at peace.

I'd smell the clean air, freeze my toes in the rushing water and most likely cry a little bit. I can't say for sure if it would be for sadness, realization, or a certain calmness. Perhaps all three.

My head would run from one subject to the next with a seamless glide. My creature heart would beam and I would be utterly transparent. As transparent as I get.

I already know all of the things that would cross my mind but I do not know what conclusions such a day could facilitate. There is so much on my mind.

Friday, October 4, 2013


I follow a few Witchy woman empowering sites on Facebook. While I tend to enjoy the things they post one came across my feed today stating "you should never touch anything with half of your heart" While I understand the metaphor wholly as a way of living ones life to the fullest, surrounding yourself with light, love, and avoiding negative people and situations.

  I appreciate these womanly empowering energy style posts. I am definitely a feminine creature though I tend to err on the side of masculine side of femininity. I understand the heart that women want to give out love freely, and in my youth I do so as well. I gave it away. WE are taught to do both. Give your love away and guard your heart. Which, like everything else on this planet, is utterly confusing.

  Yet some of us cannot touch everything with our whole heart. I cannot. If I  were to do so I would be a complete mess. Honestly half of my heart, is generous.

 I do give my whole heart to my family, my daughter and my joys in life. In giving my whole heart over I also give out power over me. While I still maintain control of my being and my emotions giving out my heart is giving a person or thing absolute power to hurt and devastate me. In loving someone so much, you hurt when they hurt. It seems simple, yet its so entirely complicated.
In realizing that how could you touch everything with your whole heart? I love so much. the people I live around love so much and so deeply. I don't know that I would wish that on them.

I can imagine how this could all seem very depressing, sad or empty. Yet the point is entirely opposite. The point is one of love and learning and realization. My heart is given fully out to those I love, Those I would do anything for.

I have so much love sometimes its overwhelming and sometimes I don't even understand.

So many things in this world are not deserving of your whole heart, and its up to each being to learn and decide what those truly are because in contrast so many things really are deserving. It can destroy people.  These posts tend to ask people to stray away from all negative aspects of life in order to shape the person you "are meant to be", almost to run from them. Yet I find the negative situations in life are the most shaping and if you do navigate the waters properly they can be the best shaping experiences.

Are people really that afraid to get dirty? 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

and knowledge is power

On this day in history (1749) Émilie du Châtelet died from childbirth. she was a skilled scientist, art lover, theorist and author. The more you know...

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Character development...

Harper Anne Marlowe

  Ms. Marlowe comes from a world with no magic. A dark cold industrious world that has long since depleted its resources for magic by various means. 

The most detrimental shock to the worlds magic was founded in genetic manipulation. The gene that allowed energy movement was found by accident in an elf's blood  by a young Dr. Grey.  With noble intentions he attempted curing disease, deformity, and mental illness lovingly calling it the soul gene. He believed it was what allowed the ethereal soul to attach its self to the human form.

All of his medicines worked, for a time, creating a healthy intelligent euphoric human existence. So much so that it even delighted the other creatures to tolerate humans more often. The city laid great honor on the good doctor and even began adding the soul treatment to the water supply. It had seemed like denying human rights to keep it for a select few.

Like all drugs the effects wore off as the populous gained a tolerance. Slowly at first, then all at once causing humans to riot and demand more of the treatment.

The elves were disgusted by the mistreatment of their gift and refused to donate any of their energy to fuel the human addiction. Dr. grey tried molding a synthetic model of the treatment with terrible results. All subjects suffered an irreversible psychological break within 24 hours of injection that is if they didn't have an annuerism first.

Dr. Grey had one willing elf, his wife. She was not enough to fill the demand of the ravaged humans pounding on his door. He nearly brought her to her demise more than once trying to draw just one more vial. Desperate he moved to other creatures and soon discovered the same gene in varying strengths. Witches, druids, wolves, and reapers all had the gene.

He was able to produce treatments in lower doses to at least satiate the worst cases.

He locked himself away determined to find a solution and driving himself insane with his work. Being a human himself, he feared testing on his own body and losing his strength so he began searching for other subjects. As the riots grew wilder the unaffected were harder to find and even more difficult to convince.

(apparently in creating my character i needed a menagerie of others....)

Dr. Grey began kidnapping creatures and humans alike desperate to find a solution. He found Harper  as a child, no older than 2, among a colony of witches. She had no apparent ability to manipulate energy but she did have a weak form of the gene.

Within six months of finding Harper he was able to develop a stable synthetic compound from her blood. The mutated gene from the little girl provided a  symptom satiating serum for the withdrawal, but provided no high and no healing properties. It simply allowed the humans the return to normal by deactivating the soul gene.

Experimenting on Harper provided much different results than the normal humans. Dr. Grey kept her close and raised her as his daughter even after the solution was found. Partly because he wanted to study her closely and partly because he had grown a fondness for her tenacity.

Soon he discovered he could not deactivate the soul gene in Harper, she possessed great power when given a treatment concocted  from witch and reaper genes. The doctor had rarely captured druids or wolves and when he did he could not subdue them long enough to take full samples.

Harper could not survive without treatment. If the gene was not satiated by treatment it would send her body into shock And she violently rejected any synthetics.

She grew up as magic depleted in the world. The doctor kept captive creatures. He continued to develop serums to aid her and in turn continued to develop the soul gene as an intoxicant. Harper was taught all Dr. grey knew with little emotion and a firm hand. She was charged to care for the captives as if they were pets and thought nothing of it. She was unaware that their suffering kept her "illness" as her father called it  at bay until her 21st birthday.

There is more... but not right now.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013


     the path to truth and light is an upward ebb and flow.
 A slow tumultuous journey that tests the beings that aren't quite.

 A journey that pricks and pokes, sloughing off excess without permission. 
Taking what it will. Thrusting through tightly knit coils of pain.

Lean into it. 
Feel the sharp biting edge. Creeping on teetering heights
. Closer. Closer.
 View the undefinable veil below.

The same which is, is not.
Stand at the edge, pursue wisdom, trust the soul. 


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

My pants > Yours

                                                                              That is all.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

At the corner...

At the corner of exhausted and totally fucking worth it.

I love my life.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Thought bubble.

Ive always greatly appreciated art and creativity. Its obvious as it is so intregal to my being. Though ive always struggled with understanding and appreciating abstract art. I never understood how a series of shapes and marks and color that seemingly have no correlation to one another could be glorified to the same status as other art forms. In all honesty I found it unfair at first. I struggled deeply with the reality an artist lives and breathes and finally accepted it as my own. I would think "these people can just get away with throwing crap together and people ooh and awe becausw they dont want to look as they've missed some deep message" First off the people 'ooh-ing' and 'awing' probably dont get it and thats why they stare... so sad Secondly, I totally get abstract art now ..... I get the emotion, the passion, the hurt.... I get it as much as anyone else can grasp anothers fleeting emotions

This is how my brain works...


Self portrait.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Redefining the standard.

Everyone has standards right? A group of (hopefully) self imposed guidelines on how one should present themselves, how they do their work, or just for overall decorum should be applicable and different from case to case.
Lets at least pretend that people have standards, for humanities sake.

How does one define their standards? I imagine a certain amount of nurture, breeding and surrounding environments has something to do with the bulk of it, for most people at least, and it seems to stop there.

I find myself seriously contemplating the finite and infinite definition of my standards daily, well maybe not daily but certainly close to it.  In thought over the past few weeks I have redefined the way I want to be perceived and all of my thought processes have been affected, for the better I might add.

It was not simple. I spent a lot of time introspectively examining how my being has changed and how the old self imposed standards I lived by were no longer acceptable. Viola! a wonderful sign of growth and progress in my being. A thing i wish more people experienced.

I feel as if i am constantly redefining my standards.

I redefine my standard for appearance so much so that people who typically have an adverse reaction to alternative styles instead find it charming and alluring. In those instances I've always helped someone redefine beauty for  themselves and the way they perceive the world. To help someone unintentionally find a greater sense of something in the world is amazing.

I will spend a great deal of my life being part of a great redefining of life. It is long overdue.

Monday, January 14, 2013


Ive been covered with a blanket of madness. A beautiful lush blanket of madness.

This blanket is lined with the only truth i trust to be honestly truthful. All of us seem to learn that most truths in reality are only truths for a short amount of time.
Carefully stitched in are my companions, giants among men. Relationships that transcend normal bonds.

   Some find it difficult to walk among giants, getting lost in the shadows. It is Difficult enough to walk with one giant  and we keep company with many. Together we form a shadow that can seem inescapable, suffocating or even intoxicating. We pound the earth and move at break neck speeds. It a dangerous buisness keeping company with giants.

While the darkness is broad and sweeping it is not eternal.. The giants will always let light show and give the chance for growth. The opportunity to find ones niche and flourish. The opportunities are given from care, from deep within and are limited.
 One must either transcend  barriers or wither

Take advantage.

This blanket is madness only because the world has since fallen from the truth i know deep within my being. The only justification is madness.

There is not genius without some madness.