A small rant

Dear Nuvaring,
   Go fuck yourself and die.
        Sincerly,
         A mildly homicidal consumer

   At my 6 week post partum OB visit, my doctor recommended Nuvaring. "I always recommend it to new moms. You have enough to deal with having a newborn without remembering to take a pill everyday. Its wonderful and it wont make you gain weight." He is a wonderful man so i took his advice even thought it felt a bit degrading. At the same time I never quite understood how a man could give me advice about an organ he doesn't posses.  I mean, come on.
  Either way the first week I was nearly suicidal. Manic was an understatement.  I was up and down and back again so fast I scared myself. Of course the nurse assures me" your hormones are still evening out from pregnancy, give it some time" I did. Nearly 3 months. Today I couldn't take it anymore. Within hours of removing the ring i began to feel normal. Well as normal as I usually feel.

Nuva ring can suck it. 

Im in trouble...

Because this child is just like me.

Multidimensional

8th. I miss this hair. 

I took this with my first digital camera. After probably the second time I dyed my hair. 

I don't miss this person. This person was confused about what she wanted. This person had an eating disorder and was smart enough to hide it. This person held way to much stock in her slutty best friend. This person had no self confidence. 

Graduation. I don't really miss this person either. 

This person thought she knew everything. She certain wasn't afraid to say anything that came to her mind. Her friends were her life, though she still had the wrong kind of friends. She was however learning that being friends with a lot of people was not good for her, it clouded her judgement on any one account. She only saw things as a  whole. Black and white so to speak. 

This person was rude defiant and angry. This person had no idea how to escape the hole she had dug. This person had no faith in anything. 

I love this person. 

annnd she loved herself,  a lot.  She did exactly what she wanted to do.  She loved life and made it so damn confusing. She didn't care about anyone outside her circle. 

This is one of my favorites. 

She is free. She is in love. Head over heels and butterflies. 

This person is also in love. 

A very different kind of love. This person is wonder-struck.

In awe. 

I am this person,

I am learning. I am re-evaluating. I am growing.

 I am a Mother. I am a wife and lover. I am a small part of a big family. I am loved.  

I am an artisan. I am intelligent. I am creative. 

I am confusing. I am illogical.  I am transparent. 

I am this person and all of these other people. 

I am multidimensional. 

I used to get insanely competitive, and think other people were being me with more success than I was.

Thats simply not true, but i have no problem admitting to this temporary insecurity.  Its frustrating when your self image is unintentionally shared. At one point it was a good thing. It allowed for some reflection. 

Is that what I look like? Is that what I sound like? I don't want to be like that. 

Time for a change. 

It is the curse of the caring and creative souls to see a need for a rebirth. 

I feel much better, but I am still not there yet.

"do you know why a soup can is shaped the way it is? Why a soup can is a cylinder?" My dad would say.

I had never given it much thought, a soup can is a soup can is a soup can... it is what it is. I never thought of why it is what it is.

"Because they figured out, using calculus, that a cylindrical shape would hold the largest volume of liquid using the smallest amount of tin. Math is important." Then he would smile and walk away. I never checked his facts. As a child i found my parents to be the authority on everything after P found the fault in my logic I merely ceased to care about tin cans and calculus. I still don't much care about tin cans and calculus.

My dad never gave me advice, not real life advice. He is not that kind of person and that's perfectly ok.

One day my dad asked me what the fastest land mammal was. I responded with the cheetah, It was my favorite animal. A dog-like cat with a bone structure similar to a great dane. He told me I was wrong, that the correct answer was an ostrich. Not only is an ostrich considerably slower than a cheetah, its not a mammal. He was wrong. I was 8 and I corrected him.


My being right was wrong. Its frustrating.

Boss fight

Somewhere in the house is a broken snowman figurine. In its ideal state it spews fake snow in all of its encapsulated glory from an arbitrarily placed hole in his head. Now it just screeches randomly in failed attempts to do what it was originally intended to do.

Initially I wanted to throw it out. However anything that gets put in the trash bin gets sifted through by a vigorously annoying old woman. She thinks NOTHING is trash. So trashing anything without being incredibly sneaky (which is tiresome and tedious at best) is out of the question. It would just make its way back into the house. (she seriously breaks open trash bags and sifts through cat litter and dirty diapers.)

I desire nothing more than to kill this snowman. I have fantasies of crushing it, running it over with my car, and shooting it with a 9mm. I have shot Christmas decor in the past. My step-mother-in-law got me a plastic trio of singing cardinals and i took them outside with a .38...  so maybe I am a touch violent.

I don't like any of my in-laws... can you tell?

Anyways, I am always very adamant about the way I deal with my emotions. I get very frustrated when sad people surround themselves with sadness and wonder why life is no longer sunshine and rainbows. I tend to let myself be sad for a short amount of time until I begin to actively surround myself with happy things. There is no use in continually mourning a life that has yet to end, and to me that's what sadness is.This doesn't apply to all people I know, in fact it may not quite apply to me anymore.... but we will see.

I have begun my usual routine. Good music, new movies, new goals, and actively pursuing happiness. Because of this routine I have quickly and effectively pulled mysefl up in the past. Now that I think about it, The way I go about it is kind of systematic and cold. Forcing cheer in my face until I accept it as reality.I always think "I need to be a big girl and just get over it" . In fact if it goes on for too long I become a bit abusive towards myself.... Like some sort of inner demon, that is in fact just me attempting to motivate me.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html  <-- this describes how I feel , except the end. I haven't reached that part in my battle yet. And its not likely ill touch a spider anytime soon.

In some sense I feel like my life has become a boss fight in a cheesy video game where at the end your find out the villain was your "inner demon" or "dark side"  all along.

Dont you get pissed when the whole thing was a damned dream? I do.

All of my usual tricks aren't working. Honestly it is just as refreshing as it is frustrating. I should not be able to pacify myself in all the same ways as when I was16. Some things will never change like randomly changing my hair... but needing new things to turn myself around is a nice change. A building block, a growing pain.... now to figure out what in the hell they are.

Im a bit stuck right now, arrested development in a stasis chamber type of stuck until after January. Rob will be done with school and will not be gone 18 hours a day 3 days a week and 11 hours 2-3 of the other days.  I have him for a bit less than a year until he starts his next degree and we have yet to decide where exactly that will be.  

Lfie moves forward, I move forward. The direction has yet to be specified.  

Reformatting.

I have my Christmas shopping done. Its been done for more than a week now. Well, most of it. All but two people. I think this is a testament to just how blah I have been feeling.

I am a space cadet on a normal day. It fits me. Lately I have been right on track with the normal trappings of life and thats not me. *sigh* Usually I am a last minute, oops I forgot type of gal. Though things come together in the end usually with a good story or two.

I am in the process of rebuilding. Its a slow process and i was on the wrong path for a while. I began comparing myself to people who I thought were similar to me. I thought "how could these people be better at being me, than me?" Joy by comparison is not real joy.

I have grown as a person, I am at a different stage in my life and growth then the people I was comparing myself to. Not better or worse, just different.

This blankness can best be described as a growing pain. Reformatting myself. 

Distant.

I recently updated my Facebook with: Distant. I wanted people to know I'm not lazy or mean, just distant. Which honestly doesn't even describe the true depth of how far away I really am.

I've been fighting it for a very long time. Pushing back this unknowable feeling with all of my strength. It had worked for the longest time. I never let mysefl stay this way.

At this point all of my efforts to thwart this unknowable feeling have failed or fallen short.

I've dealt with a wide range of emotions at varying intensities, but I don't feel like blank falls under the category of emotion.

Thats how I feel. Blank. Broken.

Not broken down, more like an un-completed circuit. All of the components are there but yet there is no electricity. Maybe I have my wires crossed. Bad puns don't fix the situation.

I find myself staring at nothing for long periods of time. Today I stared at the save screen of Skyrim for about 10 minutes. Trust me there is nothing interesting there.

This unknowable feeling consumes me. I dont think about ANYTHING else... if I think of anything at all.
My mind is blank most times and swayed easily by negative emotions. If something irritates me the entirety of my being is angry, vicious and unrelenting. If something makes me sad I am unreachable and uncontrollable.
My range of emotions has become a grey-scale.

Maybe its the upcoming season. I hate the bitter grey nothingness of winter. Nw ohio is no winter wonderland. Its miles of blinding flat snow covered ground. Maybe if there was a bit of a landscape I would enjoy winter.

Thats a lie. I hate being cold.  

Is this postpartum depression, is it nothing, or is it something i have been bearing down on for a while?

I dont know. I wish I did.

Never the less, I will get better. I always do. I am just not sure what to do with mysefl at this point.

Holiday hat creations

Emotional pornography...

I read an article today titled "You can't marry a hot vampire". I am willing read anything that bashes twilight but this one article had a bit more substance than poking fun at sparkly douche-canoes. It wasn't a whole lot of substance but the sentiment got me thinking.

Most men watch porn. It creates an unrealistic fantasy. This is obvious. There aren't many uninhibited promiscuous sex loving women that are completely willing to have a random unattached wild romp in the sheets (or kitchen, garage, and party van) with the random man or men that happen to knock on their door. Granted I think a lot of men are just content to find a women willing to have sex with them on a regular basis. The fantasy still lingers. Some a bit more ridiculous than others.

Romance novels and romantic movies create the same type of fantasy. The wonderful prince charming who comes to your rescue. It seems like a lot of women expect the toad they are with will someday turn into that prince charming.... magically. Fairy tales and fiction tell us women that a handsome sparkling man will emerge and be absolutely perfect for us, give us everything we want in life, and create an intense obsession with our soul.  Though what no one takes into account is that this may require being kidnapped, tied up or in some rare cases a time traveling mail box.  When that man comes around who looks at someone with such intensity, it usually ends in a restraining order.

Porn fulfills an erotic fantasy of sex without effort, and romantic fantasy fulfills an emotional fantasy of love without effort.

Love is not perfect. If it was there would be no need for porn OR cheesy romance fiction. Fantasies of that magnitude would not need to exist.

This article seemed to warn men of what fantasy they are expected to fulfill but will never live up to. Men expect the same out of women, an un-attainable archetype.

We don't really do this with other fantasy. I mean who really expects there to be monsters under the bed or a secret magical school. As a child I wanted dragons to be real. I wanted one so bad. AS a teenager I wanted to be an Anne Rice style vampire. Hell, as an adult part of me secretly wished I looked like Angelina Jolie.

These are harmless but the fantasies we create about love, emotion, and adult relationships are terribly harmful.

Why do we do this to ourselves? It is possible to love like crazy, but it is so easy to overlook love because it doesn't look like Taylor Lautner or pursue us after being infinitely rejected. Love is a human concept, therefore it is subject to human flaws.

Driving off into the sunset is an impossible task... the sun is always setting somewhere.

 As adults we should know better, I learned the hard way. Having unrealistic fantasies about Love ruined the beginning of my marriage. I should have known better. I will make every effort to teach my daughter the difference.

Though I will always hold some hope that someday i'll be telepathic,  able to walk through walls, be invisible, and magic.

Fuschia is the answer...

Hi mom!

Master of none....

I have been super productive lately... as seen in my last post. When L naps I explode, and apparently that explosion consists of creativity and yarn as of late.

 3 1/2 hats, an eyeglasses case, a kindle cover, and a stuffed owl rattle. Holy shit bat man.

I have always felt as if I was a Jack of all trades type of gal. I can pick up anything and be at least mildly successful after a bit, and yes that was cocky. I have always felt I am, however, not a master in any particular art. Unless you consider sarcasm an art. Most of this stems from being around creativity ALL of my life.  I can sew, yes... but my Mom is a master seamstress, quilt-maker, fabric hoarder, and all around bad-ass with fabric. I can draw, yes... but my best friend has a Masterful and educational knowledge and talent of all things to do with creating an image from scratch. etc.  When I dabble in arts it is often for a gift, in fact I own only one piece of artwork that I have done out of maybe 30.   People say "You made that? Thats beautiful, thats awesome" and so on... I have always thought. "You like this? You should see what my friends can do."

About a year ago I took up knitting. Mostly out of boredom. I have worked everyday since I was thirteen, and I supported my husband and part of his family through some really serious illness. My husband was giving me a break... I was burnt out and  I didn't have to work. At this time we didn't have a child.... and was I painfully bored. I quickly found out that there was nothing on daytime television and there is only so many times you can play the same video game. Bored, bored, bored. Reading became boring, I couldn't find anything inspiring to draw, and I made a few really random things that I have hidden in the back of a closet now. Who doesn't want a light fixture made out of chicken wire, Christmas lights and an old bedsheet? Me that's who.

I perused through the craft aisle at walmart... I didnt want to waste my time or money getting excited at Micheals or Hobby Lobby considered my attention span at that time. Two options knitting or crochet, I had exhausted everything else. . My grandma crochets and all I could think of was all of the awful blankets she has given me over the years plus knitting was supposed to be more challenging than crochet. I didn't hold much hope.

I made a few practice scarves that curled up at the sides because I was knitting to tightly... I attempted to made a blanket with yarns of two different densities, that didn't work out well... and i successfully made my mom a scarf for Christmas that was far too wide. She still wears it. Of course it had to click with something weird for me. I had tons of unfinished projects. I have no patience and I get frustrated easily . I started a hat, this hat....

With my husband underneath it. 

It was my first success really. And it all clicked from there with a fish hat. 

I am adept at knitting and crochet. I can learn the techniques of both easily. I am mastering this art and what I am making doesn't look like my grandma made it!

I have found my craft.... have you found yours? 

A pile of productivty!

It's OK

BLOG HOP!

                             It's OK thursdays
           



ITS OK...

   .... to let the husband stay up all night with the baby because you feel like crap

..... to incorporate "shipping"  into your monthly budget because your friends moved to Florida

  .... to completely forget you were doing laundry (oops!)

    .... to do all of your shopping online so you dont have to deal with holiday shoppers

  .... to feel lame for no particular reason

   .... to make weird things for dinner because you have yet to go grocery shopping

  .... to want to up and move right next to my mom, to make my life simpler

   .... to spend all of your free time working on everything you could possibly think of instead of doing housework

  .... to spend half the day cuddling with the baby

  ..... to feel like your crazy for no reason at all

   

Rockstar...

Sometimes you just feel awesome about yourself.... this week has made me feel pretty awesome,

Examples of my awesomeness:

I created a crochet pattern for a hat. I made said hat AND IT FIT! Not to mention was too painfully cute!

Not the greatest pic of the hat, but a great pic of L

I tackled and mastered Entrelac knitting the first time around.

I got my husband a beautiful hand carved chess set for his birthday and beat him the first time we played.

I officially kick ass at chess. 

I incorporated Lyla into some of my exercise routines so I don't have to forfeit baby time.

I started several graphic projects to put in an online store just for kicks. Why not?

I've lost 12 pounds all together ( though 10 of that was baby weight)

I finished ANOTHER fish hat commission.

Cracked Photoshop all by myself like a big girl. (Nathan would be proud)

Usually when I start to feel like this I get a false sense of invincibility. Its so incredibly unrealistic. Sometimes my thoughts end up like this

"I AM AWESOME. I can do ANYTHING. Maybe I'll go on safari and punch a lion!"
Though It usually ends with my inflated ego being popped by something silly, like being beaten in a video game.

Its OK to feel like a rock star sometimes. I can certainly tell my mind is much more active lately, mostly because I have had weird dreams. Anyone else win a hand of poker with trip 11's? Not jacks, 11's. Yeah I didnt get it either, but i had won  $40,000 in the dream .  Maybe its a sign. Maybe I'll be buying a lottery ticket on 11-11-11 in addition to Skyrim. Realistically I will probably be to busy having a nerd-gasm over Skyrim to even think about a lottery ticket. I mean come on.... DRAGONS!

Excuse me while I clean up my drool.

When you feel like super woman...

In the past week I have....
-finished another fish hat commisson.
-created and crocheted an infant earflap hat pattern for lyla...
-started several graphic designs
-conquered entrelac knitting
-started several christmas projects.
-and more!

Will update more later, tired.

Somedays...

Somedays my morbid sense of humor seeps through...

A special connection

I've learned recently that there is something special about me. Not in the 'wears a helmet all the time' fashion but more on a person to person scale.

Growing up my father always told me that strangers would target him out of a crowd for no reason. " There could be 6 people sitting at a bar and the damn wino will come up to ME and only me and ask me to buy him a drink"
 It is surprising considering he has social appeal of an angry bear.

The last time I went to a Drag show the one straight guy (twice my age mind you) waded through all the queens to hit on me.  WHY?!? Trust me I don't look friendly. I had chalked that one up to my Double D's... I dont want this 'gift'

I had moved in with my in laws and on the first day my Mother in law asked me if I smoked pot.... I thought it was a trap. It had to be a trap. It wasn't, she was serious. How do you even respond to that?

Today some lady came up behind me in a check out line, politely said "excuse me" and proceeded to tie MY SHOE! How do these people find me?

Make it stop.... 

yes...

Brain... fire... run!

I had one of those most painful crazy moments I have ever had today and I have no idea what brought it on.
I've been on a steroid for a few days now for my wrist pain. It easily makes me feel like a speed freak in a slow motion movie scene. In the right situation I could probably convince myself I was a vampire. But it has yet to make me feel like this...

I woke up like any other day, at 4am to a hungry easily satiated baby and an inability to go back to sleep. I weighed myself (lost another pound), exercised, and knitted.

The husband had the day off and all at once I decided it was no longer time for him to sleep in. I woke him with a special kind of energy, laid Little bit down next to him and began pestering him almost instantly. I was convinced something was wrong. He has allergies, his eyes were red.... he MUST be dying.  It made sense to me. For some reason I repeatedly asked him about his apparent degenerating mystery condition.

 At least until the baby started crying. Which prompted an around the room dance fest to no music. She stopped crying, started smiling. She loved it.... she is SO my child. Poor kid.

WALMART! We needed to go to walmart... right now. I needed ink to print off a pattern for a commission i had no intention of starting today. Still, we needed to go....

I spent the entire ride there forcing rob to listen to hard core punk rock covers of pop songs.

We quickly got the items we needed... and I just spent some time buzzing around completely irrelevant parts of walmart. While in the magazine aisle Husband had noticed a "no so secret" shopper. You know the loss prevention undercover employees who are set out to profile customers with purple hair. He was so obvious my spacey brain would have noticed him eventually. Needless to say it pissed me off. I think it pissed me off more because he was so terrible at it. I literally made eye contact with him 3 times while he was "shopping" for the same pair of levis that would not fit his apple shaped body. So i did what every other normal person would do. I followed him, then let him follow me to the bra section (he looked as if he may have never seen one), then I turned around and followed him until he became uncomfortable.

Once home I felt on fire. all of me on fire. I took a shower in an attempt to remedy this fire. Well, I more just stood under that water and listened to the same song over and over. It hurt. My brain hurt.

The only words that came out of my mouth before I collapsed on the floor in the living room were " My brain feels like a poet on fire and not in the colloquial 'you're an  awesome poet' sense. I feel like there is a Shakespearean poet in tights running around my head engulfed in flames... literally." The collapse was more dramatic than necessary.

I spent the next hour babbling about this or that and yelling at the television with my forehead planted on floor, knees to my chest. Until an ad for a new twilight-esque piece of shit high school vampire drama novel came on. After yelling obscenities at the TV i began another rant.

"Bullshit! Bullshit, this gives me no hope of writing anything worth writing. I might as well grab a blank book and vomit all over it and make copies. Then lonely desperate  idiot women would lap it up like it was a tub of Ben and fuckin' Jerry's. Jesus Christ... i just uncovered the secret to twilight. If i had no integrity, I'd ask  for a bucket and upchuck a best seller."

It all eventually ended. I feel much better. I think my mind needed to snap a bit. It always lets me be creative in very odd ways after.

Progress...

I often feel disappointed that I am not further along in my endeavors. Why? because I am hyperbolic when it comes to my lack of progress.

I have progressed. I have worked hard. I am happy with where I am at.

I have worked out 6 days a week for about two weeks now. I've lost a little bit less than 10 pounds. I feel great. I've been doing Zumba 20-45 minutes of dance cardio goofy-ness at least 5 of those days. I'm not usually a fan of any "dance your ass off" work-out but I got the game for the PS3. It gives me something other than annoying instructors to focus on. I'm a sucker for earning points and trying to one-up my last effort. i also got the UFC trainer game. I swear I am the only person who would buy both in one transaction and go home and use them both. I'll admit that UFC makes me feel like a failure. Though i spent nearly 2 months practically immobile, I still want to jump right back in the game. Unfortunately that is a bit lofty.  I have been doing other weight training, stability ball, and cardio. I am working!

★ Quiet, I'm plotting....

I just can't appreciate fall this year. Honestly I'm not sure why. I used to view it as this significant representation of mortality and change. Now, I barely notice. I am in, by no means, a bad or rotten mood.  Everything is going well. If i try and figure out why my lust for fall has fallen through I could be lost in thought all morning. I can only be lost in thought two times over and still function as a normal person.

Rob graduates in January. I am so proud. If all goes the way he wants he will graduate with a 3.8 or higher. Then in the summer its off to another school elsewhere to work on his next degree. We haven't decided where to just yet, but it also depends on what job offer he takes. Changes are taking place in so many areas of my existence that fall just doesn't seem quite so deserving of my attention this year.

I've decided to take an animal behavioral course. Its mostly an intense dog trainer certification that I can take with me wherever. It will officially give me the right to behavior test shelter animals, even though I already know how. Funny isn't it? The dog trainer jumping through hoops. Its a very good step in the right direction, but i'm not starting that till after the holidays. After that I need to find another aggression trainer and beg him to let me shadow. "But really I'll work for free!"

In regards to my title I have been plotting... I have been seriously thinking and racking my brain. Where do I want to be in 5 years? On a few acres of land breeding maybe two sets of dogs, chasing my daughter in the yard, celebrating my husbands second degree, and possibly selling the things I've been making for obnoxious prices. I haven't quite decided the proximity to my family yet. Its a yo-yo decision that i have such a hard time with.

Georgia is beautiful, Colorado is beautiful, and Ohio.... has my family.

<3

He brought me home flowers and gave me the night off. I love my husband...

Damn, I love my friends....

Things I've learned in my 23 years....

Sometimes the best way to respond when someone asks "Why?" is simply "Why not?"

   I've been asked "why?" so many times.... why dye your hair (insert any color here)? Why dress up with your friends? Why do you have so many animals? Why drive for hours just for fun?       Why not?     

    I don't recommend answering in that fashion if there can be a good reason why not to do said activity. 

Very rarely is one person entirely responsible for anything. 

     It incredibly easy to place blame or praise on one person for just about anything. More often than not someone else has a hand in the mix. When this is considered in some scenarios it can be game changing. 

If you have an open door policy with your family you shouldn't partake in  afternoon sex on the couch. 

 

    Enough said.

Sometimes drastic changes are the best kind. 

    Some of the most enlightening experiences in my live have resulted from the decision to make a drastic change. Changing gear really fast can be exhilarating but fair warning ive found it can also be bad for the engine.

Joy by comparison is not real joy.  

     

    Joy and happiness should come from your own life experiences not by comparing your life to others. 

Be anything but normal.

    

Purple power!

Nostalgia

Every weekend I return to my hometown. Its only about an hour away so its easy enough to see my family. In fact I hope to move closer to home and eventually trade the land I have here for a chunk of land there.

I haven't thought much about what moving 'home' would mean. The only things I have considered are the benefits of being close to family, in a familiar environment, and where I would prefer to live.  I haven't considered the factors dealing with reoccurring nostalgia.

Just the thought has me thinking about high school. Everyone told me all trough out high school that someday I would wish to go back there and do it all again. They were wrong. I didn't have a terrible high school experience. I had friends from all walks of life, a boyfriend, a good home life, and I got into plenty of trouble. Mostly high school was boring. I skipped class, never did my homework, aced all of my tests and never put forth any effort. I wasn't particularly popular, self conscious or mean. I was the counselor and the confidant.

I don't remember particularly having problems with anyone in my high school. Everyone has scuffles, but everyone irritated me for the most part so I guess I categorize all adolescent irritation as normal.  I wasn't bullied but I could be a bully. Of course i'm not proud of that, but my mind at the time saw revenge as a necessary survival tool for school.  I had made it a point to not start the fire, but I would certainly keep it burning if someone burned me. Oh how times have changed. I would never do these things now. I would never support it, but I had a bad attitude and high school is a breeding ground for angst and anger. At least I got it out early.

One girl in particular sits in my mind. She transferred to my school my junior year (I believe) and was a year younger than me. I don't remember her name. She thought she was a vampire, before it was cool and sparkly. In fact it became a running joke within my class, people even wore cloves of garlic to school. I'll admit I am weird, I love being weird.... but I know how to present myself where people think i am delightfully quirky not a nut-job. Obviously she lacked social skills and high school is no place to hone such skills unfortunately.

 The things we did were wrong... but there has got to be some level of self realization to it. I wasn't mean to her because she thought she was a vampire, I was mean to her because she knew nothing about vampires and still claimed to be a day walking garlic eating reflection bearing vampire. I don't tolerate stupidity well. On top of all that she attempted to beat up my boyfriend with a wallet on a chain. It didn't work out well for her, she received the wallet back with force. I have always been protective of my loved ones. Truthfully trying to hurt him is probably what landed her on my radar permanently. Her stupidity landed her on my group of friends radar... it wasn't a good year for her.

We were freaks and aggressive at that. My friends were always providing a shelter for other legitimate freaks, geeks, weirdos, and social misfits. Everyone had a chance. How on earth this girl managed to piss off  all of us simultaneously is beyond me.  I have a temper I'll admit it, but my best friend (who was queen of the misfits and proud if it) has infinitely more patience with people than I do. Even she shared our feelings.

its funny how things have changed. Now, I would ignore her. If forced to converse i would be sarcastic at most. Would I stand up for my husband still, of course. I'm sure I would have better ways of doing that now.
In fact i know I would.

would I have to deal with her if I moved home? doubtful.... even if I did  its been forever.


  

Four weeks

Four weeks ago I had a baby. A sweet little girl with a soft cry. A little girl who has been so good to us.

I have fully recovered from surgery.

Its still a bit unreal. At some rate I feel I don't deserve to be this blessed, blessed with her. Some strange benevolent being let us be parents.

She sleeps close to me, but not in our bed. I'm a heavy sleeper, Rob has seizures.... not a good bed-sharing combo. I watch her sleep. She sleeps on me.

She is easy to console. She is so responsive. She is strong. I love to be with her.

It comes fairly natural.... which is so odd.

I was never supposed to be a mom. He was never supposed to be a dad. Yet we still have a beautiful baby girl.

Not really...

Oddly enough my gay male cousin posted this to Facebook. I love it.

It fits.

I've been knitting like crazy I have finished two hats and started 3 scarves in the last week.

I've introduced Rob to little big planet. He isn't feeling well. It made him happy.
I love being able to share things with him and know whatever it is will probably make him as goofy as I am .

I currently have fire hair.... one step closer to my goal color...

Set it on fire.

Arrested Development

No this isn't about the show, this has nothing to do with the show.
  (even though I LOVE love love the show and I am so excited for the randomly late new season and movie)

It feels like for awhile my life has been in a state of arrested development. The desire and passion to go forward was there, but the means and the opportunity were not. Don't get me wrong I am all about creating your own luck and taking initiative but at times all of my energy and drive was taken up by caring for others. I cannot go forward and leave my husband behind nor drag him along when he is not physically capable. His illness has always taken priority. Everything else tends to fall by the wayside when your life includes a serious illness. That Illness however,was only piece of the albatross we carried around for years. We have always gone out of our way for others, I could go into detail but it doesn't really help my point....

   For quite awhile we have wanted to move closer to home, closer to family. Having a baby increased that desire exponentially. Whats stopping us? Robs schooling for one. He is so close to being done... I couldn't ask him to pull out now and risk prolonging his graduation. January is not that far away in reality, but it has felt like ages ever since we began preparing for this. What else? Robs Grandma. We own part of her home, and the rest is willed to us including somewhere around 86 acres. Why do we partially own her home? She needs help and at one point she actually accepted it. Now, at 83, she is reaching another peak of stubborn harmful self reliance. She often falls and over works herself before she asks for help. In fact she waits till we leave before she starts potentially dangerous chores. I don't know how many times she has called us back to the house because she has gone to far and ended up hurting herself.

I've torn myself apart over this. She doesn't want help anymore, though she needs it more than ever. I have no problem helping someone who doesn't fight me at every step. It makes life difficult, and  my life is already difficult. So do we stay in a war-torn house or leave and let someone else deal with it? We are really it, unless she hires a nurse. I'm not sure she realizes that if we more there is no one else willing to help her. Apparently she has done this same thing to EVERY ONE else in the family. WE have decided not to cater to anyone else for right now. We need to keep our little family happy and sane .I think if we stayed in this war zone mentality it would be terrible for everyone involved.

We have decided not to buy a house right away. Though I desperately want to solidify our presence closer to my family, Its hard to argue with 86 acres. 86 free acres.  Especially when I want to breed and have a small farm. Not to mention in the spirit of compromise I agreed to be flexible in case something here changes drastically or rob get a wonderful job offer.  Luckily in the spirit of compromise rob has also considered selling those acres if we are settled when that time comes.

I want to breed. Thats all I've ever wanted to do but I wont do it without solid ground to stand on. This is the beginning. Finally. The big steps start now.

This week has been rough. The best friends I have ever had live in Tampa, I have a great friend in LA, and family who desperately wants to be with us an hour away. I am just far enough away from family where it is tough to visit, and so far from my friends where you need to take a vacation to spend any amount of time with them. Skype will be my friend for a while. At the same rate it all has helped us prioritize.

Sometimes it takes something a bit traumatic to get things kick started.

Little girl big bed

Goals

I feel like a normal human again. Pregnancy toyed with my body and mind. I could hardly think rationally...

I love my little girl and I would gladly do it all again for her, but man am I glad to NOT be pregnant anymore.

In the spirit of having my brain back I feel the need to set a few goals.
 I've been a house wife and geriatric caretaker now for nearly a year... It's boring on its own. I found plenty of hobbies and such to keep me busy and productive all while trying to contain my husbands seizure disorder. The latter unfortunately is incredibly complicated and over my head at times. Now we have a new addition, Lyla.

Seeing as I am adding more to my life starting a family I see this is a fitting time to feel like myself while enriching myself a bit. Some of the goals are silly, and may seem trivial but they all have a meaning or a purpose.

Short term goals (within the next two months):

Finish reading my behavioral training books.
Dye hair (blonde and purple)
Create an attack plan for Christmas gifts.
Take more professional pictures of little bit
Create a photography and craft portfolio

Long Term goals:

Teach little bit sign language (when she is old enough)
Vacation in Florida during the winter.
Strengthen my core and pelvic girdle ( lessen hip pain)
Increase overall endurance
Increase my small breeding operation
Obtain an Alienware computer (PC rather than laptop)
Increase and solidify presence in useful communities
       I.E. breeder forums and shows, sugar glider central, ect....

I'm sure Ill streamline these a bit, this is a very "Off the cuff" type of goal setting for me.
More to come... Stay tuned.

Morning Musings

I miss Sex. Its been on my mind, obviously.

   Its been awhile, but for lack of trying. I was in so much pain the last month of my pregnancy that it wasn't about to happen... no matter how much I wanted it to. Now I am in "recovery" though I feel fine. I have 2-4 weeks until I can get an OK for hanky panky. Geez, I never thought I'd need permission to have sex.
Going from an incredibly active sex life to NO sex life is painful.  I feel a bit like an addict. I might get the shakes here fairly soon. ^__^

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   My best friends are moving to Tampa tomorrow. I've been crying  a lot but Its entirely hard for me to but all together sad. In fact I am incredibly happy for them. They have both worked very hard to get what they want, and to continue on in their journey. I am so very proud of them, proud to be their friend.
Plus now I have a valid excuse to go to Florida in January or February. ^_^
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Little bit had a rough night last night... poor over tired girl. Parenting certainly has a learning curve. I feel like it is coming very naturally so far.
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Labor and Delivery: continued.

I woke up on Day two feeling no different than day one. I was still confined to my bed... only allowed to get up to change my dressing, and only with excessive assistance.

I asked the nurse at every visit when i could get "unhooked" from everything, when I could get up on my own. Luckily since I was moving exceptionally well and voluntarily switched off my morphine to percocet I was able to do so fairly quickly. 

I took a shower, I got to put on my own clothes, and I got to walk around with my baby girl. 

Things were instantly better, though I felt a bit cheated out of full involvement in her first day with us.
I quickly got over the guilty feeling being so unaware that first day. 

It was hard to get in and out of bed. I still depended on Rob for most things.The nurses had to keep reminding me that I just had major surgery, that I needed to stay ahead of the pain. I fought off taking pain meds till the last minute. They made me tired, sometimes too tired. 

I got up in the middle of the night just to watch her, to carry her, to touch her. It was amazing. 

Over the next few days I struggled to nurse with the help of an over-zealous lactation consultant.She was no help. 

She was so good in the hospital, she had such a quiet cry. It seemed like we couldn't go more than an hour without one of us remarking about how lucky we were. I felt like it wasn't real, I couldn't have something this good. I felt like someone was going to take her back. "Just kidding". Like every minute past the raising of the curtain in the OR was a sick slight of hand. 

It's real. We were told that we may never have children but here she is. She is perfect. 

She has been easy on us thus far. She is a good sleeper, a good eater, and so very alert. She has since found her lungs but doesnt use them to the full extent all too often. Sweet little girl. 

I am feeling better, but I am still on meds. I wont be 100% for a while. They say I wont be completely put back together for about another 4 weeks, but each day is better than the last. Today is especially better seeing as I got my god awefull staples out. I've lost nearly 20 pounds since delivery. Not intentionally, in fact I lost 9 pounds in three days and it freaked me out a bit. The meds kill my appetite.

Miss Lyla is up 5oz from her last visit. Happy, healthy baby. Life is pretty great.

How much of a life is wasted in waiting? 

Early morning edits....

I had some quiet time this morning so I did some quick edits of little bit. 

They need some work but I still love em. 

Labor and Delivery day 1

Throughout my pregnancy I read lots of birth stories. I honestly did not read ANY about cesarean births, I'm not sure if it is because there isn't a whole lot of c-section birth stories out there or if I just wasn't looking. Either way I decided to post a detailed description of my 4 days in the maternity ward.

 Labor and Delivery Day 1:

I barely slept that night, the night before my scheduled c-section. I'm not sure if it was anticipation or  from my chronic pelvic pain. Either way I woke up nearly every hour before i actually intended to. 4 AM came around eventually and It took me no time to pull everything i needed together seeing as i had spent the last 3 months packing and re-pacing my hospital bags.

My husband and I were supposed to be at the hospital at 5am but we ended up being nearly half an hour early. I stood in the parking lot in the cold air , staring at the third floor. Staring at Labor and delivery. I was terrified.

Eventually we made it up to the third floor and began the process.

Thankful

I find we, as greedy filthy humans, often get caught up in the things we don't have or can't do. We are reminded daily of what we do have, will you acknowledge the positive?
  I have an amazing support system. My family supports me in everything I do. I am really very lucky to have such a functional family, It truly affected my development in a positive way. My friends are amazing. Not only would my friends still defend me if I was wrong, they would most likely logic their way into making you wrong instead of me... and they'd make you belive it too. I am blessed to have these things so readily available to me, so much so I forget to sccess them sometimes.
  I have an amazingly compassionate husband. He thinks I am super woman. He really believes I am amazing at everything. I am not, but its definately an encouragement to live up to those thoughts. He does everything for me, and his little girl. His drive is so inspiring.
  I have done and expierenced some things that most people will never expierence.
  I am truly grateful for the things I have and the things I have coming.
My family has had its fair share of hurdles, bad and worse, but I wouldn't trade this for the world right now.
We have come so far. Through the seizures and the sickness, the recovery and the seperation to the beach and the tears of joy, the little girl and the old country house.
 
Life is still a challenge, and that's ok. Nothing worth having comes easy.

  

Ganesh/Ganesha

Hindu elephant god. The god invoked at the beginning of every hindu ritual.
He represents conquering obstacles and change.

I hope to perfect my drawing into a tattoo worthy color depiction with pink lotus blossoms and maybe a circlular design.  

I'm getting ahead of myself but drawing is about the only thing that doesn't make me tired.

7 days and counting until I meet my little girl.

Expiration date

Early last week I spent around 6 hours in the maternity ward.
I had gone in for a routine ultrasound and was immediately sent to the hospital. Low amniotic fluid levels.

The nusre kindly asked me, as she was hooking me up to all the monitors, "your not panicing are you?" I was. I didn't say that I was, but who wouldn't be? I'm being told something coud be desperately wrong. Panicing.

Hours went by and the nuses kept telling me that my baby was the most active on the floor, perfect on the monitors. So, why am I here?

Waiting, waiting to hear from the doctor. That's why.

Close to hour 5 I had yet another ultrasound. The little one kept kicking the monitor and wand. That's my girl.

Soon after, with little knowledge, I was released. After 6 hours of hearing I may have to have my possible 5lb 14oz baby by emergency c section I was released with no restrictions.

Both scans were wrong. Her womb wading pool has enough fluid. She is just fine.

Of course she is still breech.  So they have put an expiration date on my pregnancy.

Work in progress

Art room chalboard.
This is what happens when I am left alone for too long in a wood paneled room ^__^.
I hated the panels in this room previously but now they are inspiring me to paint. Possibly different textures, colors, monsters, designs or cartoons on the panels.
Its not done yet, I have to add depth to the top teeth. I got excited. Wanted to share.
This is incredibly counter productive.