Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. - Carrie Fisher

Friday, June 24, 2011

Desire...

I have always known  that I will do something with animals.

Truthfully I could never quite pinpoint exactly what was my calling in the animal world. I didn't want to be a vet, and trust me I did some heavy research. While being a vet seemed like the best cover-all application of my desire it didn't fit.

Biology was a bit too broad, Zoology was a bit too exotic (but still cool), and cynology is a bit ridiculous if you ask me. That didn't leave a whole lot.

Four, almost five years ago my Schnauzer had puppies. I had done everything in my power to keep her away from the male dogs in the house but we lived with my in-laws who were less than considerate. After a check up and an X-ray the vet confirmed pregnancy with no more than 4 puppies.

Diamond gave birth to 6 healthy puppies between 10 pm and 4 am. I helped with them all, not that she particularly need my help. Still she was young.  I believe they were born on the 10th or the 11th of January, depending on how you look at it.

About 11 days later, on my birthday, my husband had his first seizure.

Over the next 7 weeks the only thing that put a smile on my husbands face was these puppies. We named them all. Moose, Squeak, Dink, Roddy, Popeye,  and I cant remember the last one at the moment. I think they kept him sane. One day, at about 5 weeks old,  while we had the puppies out of their pen Rob had a bad seizure. Though we were sitting on the floor I grabbed him to keep him stable. He was less than coherent when he finally came too. He was ignoring me, but for the best reason. Squeak, who happened to be the least friendly puppy, had climbed onto his lap in the midst of the seizure and began to lick him. Rob forgot all about the seizure, focused on the puppy and regained his composure.

From then on I always gave him a puppy post-seizure because it increased his recovery exponentially 

It clicked from there and then it got better. Our very first puppy was Moose. Moose went to my very best friends. I still get to see him all the time. Giving someone a buddy is the best feeling. so i started grooming and training and learning... I'm still learning.

Robs health has made it difficult to get anything going... but I have the gliders. This little girl glider, loves me to death. I am still looking for the right home for her.

I want a farm. I want the space to rehabilitate animals. I will have it someday, maybe sooner maybe later. I want to train companion animals for people like Rob. Not quite a pet but not quite and assistance dog. Therapy dog is the right term, I suppose. I want to train protection dogs and just breed dogs.

Luckily Rob shares my passion.

3 things I will breed at one point or another in my life....

1. Dogs- wolfhounds. malamutes, corgis, schnauzers, great danes, and one obnoxiously small dog.

2. Luecisitc Sugar Gliders

3.

I'm sure I will find more... but you gotta start somewhere.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Headache hospitalization...

I spent most of today in pain. I'm not asking for sympathy, it is just a fact.

All in all it was completely worth it... 

I spent a few hours in Labor and delivery today. I couldn't see straight and bits of my body were either tingling or just plain numb. All of my test came back perfect... healthy... right where I should be. Wonderful words to hear. I spent a good 6 hours listening to miss lyla's heart beat beat beat away. The look on Robs face was pure amazement. she was showing no stress, perfect vital signs. My pain wasn't causing her any distress. I was relieved right there.  That was all I needed, my pain didn't matter 

That is such a powerful feeling. I have felt such relief seeing Rob come out of pain, but this isn't that same. I would certainly take his pain away if I could. He wouldn't let me, but still. If I was responsible for her being in pain, I would be devastated. Of course at this point I would be the only reason she would be in pain, whether I had control over it or not.  Odd new feeling. Powerful. 

Its amazing how you can love something that you have never met. Even if it just is a chemical reaction.

I was worried from the beginning that I wouldn't have a healthy pregnancy.

 Lets face facts, I'm a big girl and I like candy... gummy candy... the worst frickin kind. I was terrified I would become a slave to my cravings. I expected to balloon up like it was nobody's business. The bigger you are the less you have to gain during the pregnancy but the more chance you have to gain it. More often than not big girls have some eating issues... at least moderation issues.  I don't always eat healthy but I do more often than not. I crave (pregnant or not) vegetables, oddly enough. I love broccoli, asparagus, sugar snap peas, hell I even like lima beans. Problem is I like fast food just as much. I have only gained what I've needed so far. No extra weight... perfect. Doc says I'm easy.

Doc keeps using that word, perfect. I love hearing it. I worried about her, with my horrible hips and Robs patchy health history., how could she be healthy? She is so far *knock on wood*. I'm not asking for an easy baby, just a healthy one. Frankly I think we deserve it.
 Who would have thought a hospital visit would have turned out so... perfect.

I have a recording of the heartbeat... when my head stops hurting and I figure out how to post it w/o being magic I will.



Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Self-destructive.

I haven't been myself lately. Its from an assortment of mixed emotions and odd predicaments... both self inflicted and/or just random.

Not a new frontier for me but it always leads to some reflection.   A few things I've learned.

1. I have a sensitive and volaltile emotional state. I am very lucky to have a understanding husband who deals with my crazy.

2. Its ok to be selfish from time to time. We have spent a good chunk of our time helping my in-laws to no avail. Till now most of our decisions have been dictated by geriatric restrictions. Its time for our family to stabilize as a singular growing unit.

3. No matter how long I abstain, I always find solace in the craft. I don't practice traditionally, but there-in lies the beauty of the craft. It is flexible to an extent. Its personal.

4. Vanity in small doses is almost nesscary.

5. You cannot control other peoples action, at least not completly. People are stupid. People will go to great lengths solely to be a pain... and its not worth getting worked up over.

In the next few days I will be setting up a ritual... it has been such a long time since I have performed a rite or ritual. I need it.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

27 weeks Lyla Mae Baird

Detailed child info:
Weight: approx. 2.4 Lbs
Length: 13.4-14.9 in
At this stage: The child can see the light and hear sounds coming from the external world. The child is still growing. In addition to being longer and longer, he also starts to accumulate typical baby fat. Air sacs begin to develop a network of blood vessels. Thus at the first breath the oxygen will be immediately transported to the brain. And by the way the unconditional reflexes are amazing. You cut off the umbilical cord and a child knows that it's time to take a breath. No wonder that he knows. For over half of the gestation he was training intensely, inhaling and exhaling amniotic fluid. This is a hard job. Your child knows you from the side, where we least expect it. He knows the sounds of your heartbeat, rumbling stomach, hiccups, digestive noises, yawns, laughter, speech, crying. Everything is heard from the inside. After delivery he will immediately recognize your voice.

^___^


 I made it myself!
Sculpy fun...

Playing around gave me some very nice results...



This was with what I had lying around...

Imagine what I can do when I have a plan.


Its very simply Oven baked clay and super cheap acrylic pain on knitting lace.


Monday, June 20, 2011

Birdy buddy

Bird needs a name. As of late I have been calling it ugly and bird. I'm thinking it needs a real name...

My cat has no real name, we intended on calling it bootstrap. But its just a cat, cats don't count. My cat is an empolyee, I got it solely to kill spiders. We call it.... Cat. Not a cat person. Obviously.

Bird, bird, bird... 


How my weekend went...

A friend of mine had a cosplay podcast slumber party.... Thats the only context im going to give here. Make your own assumptions.
video video

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Clay pieces

Clay pieces for big bulky fun jewelry.
I ran out of glue for my alien...
I <3 clay


Friday, June 17, 2011

Pregnancy dreams...

  I have always had supremely weird and vivid dreams, that much I'm used to. My dreams in the past have included being next door neighbors to a werewolf, high speed hover-board chases, and giant a octopus.  This, oddly enough, is typical for me. I wasn't surprised to have a super vivid alien dream towards the beginning of this pregnancy.
  What does surprise me is the reality of the dreams I'm having. While the mystical, macabre, and mythological typically frequent my dreams the real-life does not. Until now. Now every dream I have includes old friends. It is all very different scenarios with different friends. For some reason my subconscious is idealizing any of the situations either. It seems that the characters in my dreams act as if they would normally (or at least my last knowledge of their normal actions and reactions).
  My logical side tried to figure out what odd psychological sign this is for me. At first I thought It may be my mind dredging up un-resolved issues I have with a few people. After all I haven't actively thought of any of these people in years. -- I'm leaving this vague because its somewhere around 5 people frequenting my dreams so far. All of which have nothing in common but being my friend at some time. --  These dreams aren't exciting by any means, they mostly include chance meetings and catching up. the chance meetings always end up in some odd unrealistic place, like outside my grandmas house.
  I really only have un-resolved issues with two of these guests... and its been so long.
  Do I miss these people? Maybe. I was close at one point or another with every single one of them. I don't develop close connections easily and I have been taught first hand why that is a good defense. It could be I am preparing myself for the inevitable. My dearest friends are moving far away. Though the prospect of visiting is exciting, it is still quite a big change. Really everything has or will be drastically changing. Is this my brain longing for some odd sense of nostalgia. Reaching out to old friends so I am not forced to create new bonds? Maybe.
  Still I am not sad. We are all going to be where we need to be. I do mean NEED. Its exciting, I love change.  Its the Aquarius in me I guess.  So why in the world is my brain taking me on a confusing futuristic nostalgia ride? Ugh I have no clue. 

Slowly moving

Ok so i've been a bit distracted being in wonderland and all. Still i have him painted! Now i need to attach some hair, well a lot of hair. Which im sure will require some trial and error with adhesives. Wish me luck.


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wen

I was having a chat with my little bird rescue the other day. Quite literally, I spent a few minutes mimicking the "wen" sound it makes. It was cute the little thing got all excited and followed me around. I love birds.
 The entire time Rob was watching me, with a giant goofy smile on his face. :"This is why I love you"
    He gets the same smile on his face when we buy baby stuff. Sometimes its just nice to hear him say it out loud.

I am difficult. I know it. I've apologized before for not being easier to deal with, but its deeply ingrained. My likes and interests change drastically and I really can't control it. I dive into things as quickly as I dive out of them. I guess nothing keeps me entertained for long. The things that do stick, stick forever it seems. I integrate them into part of my being. Don't get me wrong, I love me. I didn't realize that I could be too much until I was on my own for a while.
 
I guess I limited my social interaction to weirdos, geeks, and nerds. Like attracts like. I have to admit I loved going to convention, a lot of those people were innocently uninhibited or ridiculously egotistical. Makes for fun one way or another. Still I never had to explain myself, or defend my interests rather, until I spent time alone. I attempted to expand my social interactions. I felt like an animal at the zoo. I was OK behind the glass, in pictures, but out in the open I was a threat. A threat to what? I don't know. I really don't. At that rate I'm really glad I don't understand.

You have to be a special kind of crazy to deal with me. I like it that way. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

BRB

Ill be a bit pre-occupied today... doing something absolutely frivolous...

Gotta love macabre nostalgia  >_<

If you need me I'll be collecting teeth

Friday, June 10, 2011

Funny isn't it...

I look absolutely terrible in this photo. Pale skin, black hair and salt water does not make for a good photo op. Still, it is my favorite photo of Rob and I. It captured a moment of trancendent happiness. One of many from that trip...

Ocean City changed everything. We changed everything.  It was the rebirth of my marriage... and it was beautiful. I can't begin to explain what happened. I was supposed to be going to a convention. I apologize for not spending the time with my closest friends, but I know they understand the effect the ocean had on my life and my marrriage. I have my priorities in order.

I love Ocean City. <3.

If there is love in your heart, you emit loving energy out into the world. It is the circular nature of things.
 


Nap time buddy


Thursday, June 9, 2011

Geeked ^___^

Rx

Sitting in a doctors office. Ugh, story of my life. At least this time it isn't for me or Rob.   Grammies routine eye stabbing. I don't care for the medical procedure to be explained. She has glaucoma, enough said.

I feel like a good chunk of my adult life has been spent in hospitals. We should have a frequent flyer card at this rate. Even  after all the reality has been shoved down our throats, i forget ny husband is disabled. Technically.   Its hard to keep that in mind when he is functional for so long.
After all this its hard for me to focus on most things that would be "extra" in our lives. You need a sense of normalcy before you can pursue the extraordinary. This is hard for so many to understand because its easy for them to get out of bed. The simple routine of life is not so simple for someone with seizures.  I get so frustrated when people give rob a hard time about anything. He is almost done with his first degree and works full time.
Same with me, rob started having seizures in '07. It wasn't until recently that we got it under control. I wish that people would stop taking that for granted. It was and is very hard.
Frankly i would love to see other people deal with all of it and still feel like its no big deal.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

This must be whats wrong with me (take 3)

I honestly don't remember , or care to research, how old I was when I first played this game. American McGee's Alice was probably one of my favorite self discoveries. I remember being attracted to this game all on my own. I liked the cover, the dark colors contrasted with blood red. Nothing else on the shelf existed.
  Of course the game is an adaptation of Lewis Carroll's  Alice in Wonderland. Its not too illogical of a leap really. Wonderland is in Alice's mind. What happens if Alice goes completely off the deep end? I suppose wonderland would go off the deep end as well.
    Maybe it is a bit of a stretch... wonderland is a bit crazy after all.
I had to be at least 13 when I got into this game. I actually recognized the occult symbols on her dress. I don't really know how I should feel about having that knowledge at thirteen. Maybe thats what else is wrong with me.

Anyways I am about to replay the game and its sequel. I didn't realize until recently there even was a sequel.

   >geeked<

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Babies, babies, babies...




Bird!  Rob found a baby bird abandoned in our yard. Maybe more violently orphaned by a barn cat, than abandoned, but you get the point. Its young, still lacking all of its flight feathers and feathers covering its neck and head. Its nice to hear bird noises again, even if it is only temporary.









My suggies have about 4 weeks till they can go home.  I have some people interested, but I'm not sure they fully understand that this is more than an expensive hamster. I may go through a more established breeder this time, to find experienced owners. Or at least someone who knows what they are talking about.



OK this is just fun and mildly disturbing. I love pictures where i look like an alien. I have more cutesy flattering ones with the babies, but I felt like this was more appropriate.



Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Magic water...

I've been asked a lot about whether or not I'm going to have my baby baptized.

First things first. I was raised catholic therefore I am no longer a catholic. Trust me If you were raised catholic you would understand. I have been baptized, held first communion, and was confirmed in the catholic faith. Why? Because I didn't have a choice. I'm sure If i had competent Sunday school teachers I might have kept that faith a little closer to my heart but the close minded harshness of most catholics never ceases to amaze me.

As a first attempt to ingrain good catholic morals we were held by a strange man, whom we have never met before, and dunked into magic water. As if some ceremonial bath forced upon us would remove original sin from the most innocent stage we will ever be part of. I get it I do. Every religion has ceremony and dedication, but most of them are a coherent admission of faith by the follower. Where-in catholic ideals make us force faith onto an unsuspecting child. Still that isn't enough.

Later on in life, when we are just beginning to establish our own identity away from our parents, we have an other right of passage. For a few years we had waited in line at church being repeatedly denied snack time in the middle of mass. I remember following my mother faithfully (while my father sat in the pew) mimicking everyone else's hand gestures in the way a child does. As I sat through the classes, I remember thinking I would receive some magical feeling of holiness once I took first communion. I couldn't wait.

The result was disappointing. After all what first grader really comprehends an omnipresent god or wants to ingest him? 

Then after more years of torture-some catechism, our faith is tested. Literally. Before being confirmed in the catholic faith I was forced to spend 8 hours locked up with a large group of peers I didn't get along with. Not because of faith, because of school district. In our incarceration we were forced to play faith games that made no sense, create plays, and take a test. Quite seriously a pen and paper test about catholicism . I have no idea how I passed.

After a long ceremony, my family threw me a party. Where my dad played appropriate music such as "you'll never make a saint of me". I get my cynicism from him.

Not only did I affirm my faith, I did it three times. Does it count? No. I was forced to, as most of the children in my class. It really is a vicious cycle. I was forced to because my mother was forced to. If Mom didn't send her children through the process she would never hear the end of it from my grandma. Catholicism seems like a very long line of forced tradition. Stand, sit, kneel, shut up, repeat.

Now will I have my daughter baptized? Probably, but not because anyone is forcing me to and she certainly wont be baptized in a catholic church. Despite all of my religious cynicism I still strive to have a relationship with God. I want my daughter to have an educated start in her religious pursuits.Maybe baptism will be a start in religious education. Do i think the water is magic? No, but I do think it will help her to be accepted into most religious communities. Sometimes acceptance makes everything that much easier.

Maybe its more for us then her.  Maybe thats the way it has always been.