Monday, February 28, 2011

Watchin netflix

Hanging out w mama today

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Thursday, February 24, 2011

Please don't tap the glass....

I just walked through walmart with that "dont fuck with the crazy lady" look on my face.... That happens to me after Ive been crying.
I honestly don't even remember why I was crying. I think it was mostly frustration. The old dog tried to bite me today after I caught him peeing in the house. I think thats enough to make any pregnant woman cry.  Easy enough solution though. All dogs are now forever quarantined. Gated in the kitchen, mudroom and garage. No big deal, but I cried. For an hour. In the bathroom.
  Rob and I sat in the bathroom for nearly two hours talking. Its a good thing he loves me.

I found a Muppets version of bohemian rhapsody. It was amazing. I laughed and it hurt, so i watched it again
I just walked through walmart with that "dont fuck with the crazy lady" look on my face.... That happens to me after Ive been crying.
I honestly don't even remember why I was crying. I think it was mostly frustration. The old dog tried to bite me today after I caught him peeing in the house. I think thats enough to make any pregnant woman cry.  Easy enough solution though. All dogs are now forever quarantined. Gated in the kitchen, mudroom and garage. No big deal, but I cried. For an hour. In the bathroom.
  Rob and I sat in the bathroom for nearly two hours talking. Its a good thing he loves me.

I found a Muppets version of bohemian rhapsody. It was amazing. I laughed and it hurt, so i watched it again. 
It hurts..
It hurts.

Please don't tap the glass... the animals don't like it. 

Original Intentions....

My original intention for my blog was to document the more ridiculous aspects of my life under the pen name Moody. It seemed doable. Apparently I am strange and even if I'm not strange enough for the internet the combination of people I  tend to be around is strange enough. Truthfully it seems that the genre of oddish blogger is over-run by people who are odd for the sake of being odd.

 Now it seems that it has turned into a pregnancy blog. Im ok with it for now... It is a big part of my life and it affects me everyday. Now I dont feel like a pioneer on a new frontier called pregnancy. In fact I take solace in meeting ladies who have been where I am. Even more than that I love meeting women who are pregnant. Surprisingly twitter has been very helpful in finding these women. I even found a women who conceived on the same day as me (hooray for Christmas time fun!).   Fact: there is no taboo subject when you are pregnant.

  One of my goals has been to share the things I've gone through with people. I always have used my experiences to help people, or at least I've tried. You can lead a horse to water... etc.  I do believe there is not such thing as coincidence. I have been avoiding a topic for a while now. I have my reasons why but they are mostly unimportant. The important thing is that I was never afraid to tell my story.  I am not the only person who has had this experience, but you sure do feel like it hen it is happening to you.

About 6 months ago I handed my husband a book and asked him to open it and see if he liked my new bookmark. The "bookmark" was a positive pregnancy test. We both cried happy tears and instantly became overly excited about our growing family. I had to get proof of pregnancy from my Family doctor, for insurance purposes, before I could do anything else. Of course he could get me in for nearly two weeks.
  So, for two weeks Rob and I day dreamed about cribs and names. We even stopped into Babies-r-us just to browse. The smallest things excited us. We even told our closest friends first. Rob bought cigars and I spent the whole time talking about murals and paint. To each his own.
  When two weeks was up A nurse peeked her head into our waiting room and said "you're pregnant!" with a slight insecurity. After we expressed out excited she seemed relieved. " I never know if its good news until I see the faces, congratulations".  The ride home was spent fawning over the baby's current size which was about the size of a poppy seed. I dont believe I had ever smiled so much in my entire life.
  Shortly after the appointment Rob dropped me off at home and returned to work. Like any 22 year old nerd I started playing a video game. If your a gamer you know that when you have no other plans a good game can take up hours of your time. If your not a gamer well now you know.
   After a few hours of shooting supernatural Nazis, I got up to stretch. The most terrifyingly familiar sensation came over me. I was bleeding. I was bleeding a lot. I could hardly breath. My chest instantly tightened and I fought off a panic attack. I did the only thing I could think of. I called my husband at work. At the time he worked minutes from home and he made it there even faster than usual.  After a quick call to the Doc, we rushed to the hospital. Having to explain what was happening to me to 4 or 5 different strangers was one of the hardest things I had to do. Not because I didn't want to tell them but because the same look came across all of their faces. Its the same look you get when you just told someone your grandma died, but worse.
  I spent 8 hours in the ER. I swear they were trying to scare me. I knew what as going on. How could I not know? I was having a miscarriage. I wasn't in any pain, yet they continued to tell me that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. They found nothing outside of the uterus, but the ER doc still told me I would probably have to have emergency surgery.
  The nurse came in and asked a few questions. Then she cried with us. Though she couldn't officially tell me I wasn't going to have a baby anymore, she sat and explained what was really happening with my body. We went home and I sat outside for a very long time and did nothing but cry.
  Rob couldn't come to my Ob appointment the next day so Kaiser went with me. I needed someone to be there with me. The office, which i had called earlier that morning, had scolded me for not getting blood drawn that day. Even though they instructed me not to, not until I saw my doctor. As If i wasn't going through enough already. Again, in the room the doctor scolded me and even he threatened Emergency surgery.
  Somewhere between getting berated by an Irish Obgyn and getting blood drawn I started to  feel some intense pain. Something like your worst period cramps times 5. "Call tomorrow, we will have checked your HCG levels and if they dont go down we will get you into the OR that afternoon"
  Then it hit me. I hadnt told my mom yet. I had to force the whole story out over the phone through blubbering sobs. Of course, like a mom, she took the next day off of work and proceeded to call every few hours because the doctor had instructed me not to be alone at any time.
  I called and called and called the next morning. No response. My doctor had gone on vacation and his nurse couldnt read my results. For a week I didn't know if something in my body was going to ruin any future chances of  having a child. I was in severe physical pain and its nearly impossible to describe the emotional pain. Finally after an excruciatingly long week , no surgery. Just a miscarriage.  Like it was that simple.
  I am not a share my emotions kind of girl. So being around friends was tough because I dont cry in front of people. I spent days with my eyes to the ground explaining the physical pain and how tired i was. Then i spent nights with my husband thinking about the helpless poppyseed. He took it alot harder than I did. It wasn't until very recently that he stopped thinking it was his fault.

All of that makes this pregnancy terrifying. Everything about it is terrifying. I have started to not worry so much. The heartbeat helped me feel better. Rob however treats me like I am a fragile crystal vase containing a  flawless diamond. I can't blame him. He has wanted to be a dad ever since he was 17.

We survived. It still hurts from time to time and we will never forget our first baby who got to see heaven before he saw the world.

It does get better, I promise. Everything happens for a reason. Stressing out is not good for your or your body.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Rekindling an innocent obsession with Jim Henson has been keeping all of my attention.

As a matter of fact I spent most of last night watching old Jim Henson and Frank Oz interviews and even a Iowa public television show hosted by Henson.  Then I watched Jims memorial and cried and cried. I never thought Big bird singing it isnt easy being green would make me cry like a baby.

Jim Henson's creature shop is amazing... It its truly unfair that the world lost him when he was only 53. His very very early stuff is hilarious, which is what i posted above here.

He went from entirely simple, yet odd, hand puppets to full blown animatronics. The creature shop has made nearly everything puppet or body suit in movies, TV, and commercials . A lot of things I never thought about. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles body's suits were made by the creature shop along with Projects in the Never Ending story.

Truly Its more than the puppet that makes the character. No one can replace the original puppeteers. Jim Henson and his creators made a lot of innocent multi-leveled characters but his personal projects always tended to be a bit darker. Labyrinth and The dark Crystal were some of  his side projects. Side projects!

My thoughts are a bit scattered because I have taken in quite a bit of information in a short amount of time.

I am going to make a puppet. A kermit style puppet. Which is rather simple but I really enjoy how easy it is to express emotion by crinkling your hand. Henson and Oz describe the beauty in his simplicity is simply made by subtle folds in fabric.

I need to do this. Honestly Im not sure Why Ive waited so long.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I figure sooner than later I am going to loose a bit of control in my life. Everyone tells me babies tend to do that. Overall I am ok with it.
 Trying to prepare for the loss of control seems a bit contradictory but I have a lot of time on my hands.

I cannot fight nesting... I just can't. Believe me Ive been trying. So we have been cleaning out the nursery to be. Luckily Rob has noticed my overactive need to be in control and is letting me decide whats what. Dont get me wrong, I run everything by him before I make a final decision.  Either we think alike or he is just nice and agrees with me. I'm OK with it either way.

The color I picked is called tedious green... Of course i pick a color that is called tedious.
 This color over here is close. ----->

Although we are finding out the sex of the baby I am trying to keep the Nursery fairly gender neutral. Well At least the walls and furniture.

Green is fairly neutral. Unfortunately Rob is not going to let me paint. There is only one window in the nursery and he seems to think that isn't enough ventilation.

I will adore my doting husband when I can't see my feet over my belly but right now at 10 weeks its a bit much. He is sweet.

I'm having a hard time deciding what to paint on the walls. I really want to paint a mural. I want to take advantage of my skills and the skills of my friends (muah ha ha )

 Lately Im into abstract trees... That could be cute and gender neutral.

Of course the example I found is incredibly feminine. IT is still a cute tree but I'd rather draw my own.

Im not looking for perfect. Perfect is boring. If life were perfect there would be nothing to talk about. I'm looking for something that will fit Rob and I as a family. So I suppose that leaves things like different, quirky, and goofy. After all Rob and I seriously have plans to construct a floor to ceiling tree in the dining room. A tree growing out from between two books shelves and wired with large floating light bulbs.   So ordinary seems out of the question.

I wasn't entirely a fan of character based rooms until I saw these Yoshi room pics and a few other of a Dr. suess themed Nursery.

Thought I'm sure between Christine and I we could make a far better Nintendo themed nursery. Less pastel more 8-bit.

I'm still at a cross roads with a theme or even a mural idea. Pregnancy has made me fickle and everything seems so boring... Elephants, Frogs, Safari, Blegh....


Relax, I'm a doctor..

I have found in life as in poker it is best to breast your cards.
Im sure there are a few people in my life who think I tend to fly by the seat of my pants. I know what I am doing.   Just because I dont explain my actions does not mean I have not considered the consequences. Surprisingly everything has gone just as I have thought they would.

I truly wish people wouldn't needlessly worry about me. I am incredibly resourceful. Give me some credit.

I am incredibly good at poker. My ability to completely detach myself from the situation makes for an impenetrable poker face. P-p-p-poker face.  

This added progesterone is making my odd nature float to the surface. I dont think Ill push it back down.

All I want to do is paint. I am not a painter, but honestly thats all I really want to do today. I think maybe the abstract nature of my paintings is freeing. Paint is sexy, its hard to deny it.

Music - Loud
Brain - In high gear
Suggestion - get out of the way

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Packing up...

I spent half of today packing up someone else's life. I would probably put that in a cheery-er statement if it wasnt such a inevitably terrible move. My father in law finally lost his house... Which, sadly, will make life for us a bit easier.
I have no idea why I volunteered to help. I used to clean that house. I dont think its been cleaned since I left two maybe three years ago. 3 untrained dogs and a household of lazy unhygienic delinquents does not make for an easy move. Still Bob is rather fragile and its tough to be mean to a man with cancer...
 Bob is not my favorite person in the family but he has been genuinely trying to be a positive part of our lives since we took over our house. 
This man has promised Rob money ever since I can remember. He always has a scheme or a plan to become a millionaire and always failed. All hair brained schemes fail. He has a new one again, but this one makes sense. Dont get me wrong I am not holding my breath. I will always be a "show me the money" kind of girl. As a matter of fact I kept telling Rob "yeah right" and rolling my eyes with every scheme update.
I feel like i should starting cooking up my crow now.
 He is getting a decent chunk of money next week. His group is getting something like 50,000 from a company just so they can use a trial period of his patent. That is split between four people... but still thats a decent chunk of money for a trial period.
Still not holding my breath. It is exciting, and lord know Bob needs something good to happen in his life. Now since bob is planning on getting millions of dollars he is promising us all sorts of things. None of which is really based in reality. Of course he is going to give us at least 2.5 million dollars and he is going to live right next door to us.

Oh to live in a dream.....

"Those who delve deeper do so at their own expense" Dorian Grey

Monday, February 14, 2011

Jealous boy

Mr. Percy is making yoga difficult...

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My kind of Valentine!

My kind of valentines weekend... Video games cheesy movies pregnancy books and Tv shows... A wonderful Ultrasound. 
Rob has taken me out almost every day this weekend to make up for time we don't get to spend together.

Heart beat was 171 bpm. The Baby is measuring exact to what the Ob has me dated at. 
Alien inside of me!

Strange love....

Isn't just great to wake up in a good mood? For no other reason than you are just in a good mood.

It is rare to have nothing on my mind. I often have to work fairly hard to clear my head. Yet on a good day it seems I have control over my over-processed brain. Its a groggy state of euphoria. No doubt this unexplained raise in mood is a result of my body producing seratonin in order to connect with the pregnancy. I'm ok with it any which way it comes seeing as the lack of sunlight seems to affect my body's natural production anyway.

I am, to say the least, a difficult person. Confusing may be the more appropriate word choice. I can hold a grudge for ages, then out of no where offer forgiveness or an apology. If I had a vast amount of wealth I would most likely give it all away. I rarely give my trust away for when I do it usually get stomped on and I dont rebound from being hurt as fast as I'd like. A lot of the things I do make no sense and I like it that way.

With me (and most of my friends) the best thing to understand is that you don't have to understand. I have found in my time on my own that most people cannot wrap their heads around that statement let alone that ideal. I come from a fairly charming bunch of friends and family. That being said, people thinking we were strange often turned into a term of endearment. I suppose being creative allows for a certain level of eccentricity.
I guess it is weird to love to knit and to make dreads. My collection of hobbies is rather odd and  eclectic.

Every love in my life is a bit strange. Then again love comes in all shapes and sizes. It isn't for me to judge the way others love. My strange collection of love has changed vastly, especially over the last few years. The nice thing about love between friends family and lovers.... is no one else can truly understand.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

One of the best things about the sims!

One of the most amusing things to do on the sims is to create utterly disturbing people. The sims 3 has created a wonderful artists create a style tool which allows you to make everything clash in the most hideous fashion... If you want. 
Of course I actually put 'Mildred' in one of the worlds I was playing and she found a poor sap to Woo-Hoo and had two normal looking chubby children. And she even gained a level of celebrity! 

 Yes she has a post it on her chest

Ive been a bit busy. The hubs and I have been out and about most of this weekend. Its a shame we dont get to spend a lot of time together.  Unfortunately my hips have been taking a beating.... Most likely from the hormones released from the pregnancy. The hubs however did get me some very useful valentines gifts... Im so glad he got the hint not to get me any stupid valentines stuffed singing inflamed bear. Id much rather have video games and books!

Thursday, February 10, 2011


the hubs surprised me and took me out to outback steak house! <3<3<3

Ohayocon... I think?

I kinda miss this hair....

Check out the last song on my player.... its really fun. 

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Im not going to explain it.

I stumbled across these in my back up  files... I thought I had lost them. Truthfully im not going to explain it... Im going to let your mind wander. 


The total history of almost anyone would shock almost everyone. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Interesting thought huh? I ran across this will doing some neurotic tendencies research for my novel. 

It rings very true. Very seldom do we have people in our lives who know everything there is to know about us. For one reason or another there are certain things we don't share with the mass population. Some things are meant to be private or kept between a few people. I suppose to that knowing the entirety of ones life could prove very boring too, at least for the most part. Besides a life it is almost impossible to know a situation front and back unless you can be in both parties heads at one point or another. 

I, for instance, used to get very caught up on people who lie and manipulate other people unfairly. I'm not sure why exactly, its not like I've never done such things but it just irritated me to no end. I thought that there was no need for it, but maybe that was not entirely true. I couldn't possibly  know the entire truth or untruth that was being told unless I was that person.  I couldn't possibly know what was truly going on in these situations that drove me crazy and its unfair to think so.If my high horse had a catch phrase is would be "hi ho hypocrite." I still think there are  more appropriate options to lying and manipulating, but thats not something one outsider can change. Especially when a big chunk of these people were decades older and I believed "they should know better". Then again I held my age group at the same standard and I rarely found someone outside my peer group who prided themselves in honesty. 

My husband is the only person who knows close to all of my history. I say close to all because it is nearly impossible to know the overall picture of ones life unless you are followed around by a video camera at all times. I  do tell him everything. I love my friends but I wouldn't want to know everything about them. Why? Because then I might as well be married to them too. Some things are private, somethings are shared and somethings are unspoken. Thats the way it should be. 

I know the entirety of my life would shock people. It is my life however, which means I dont have to shock people unless I truly want to. 

I will throw out one shocking fact... Next month I will have been married for four years. In November this year I will have been with my husband for a decade and I am only 23. 

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


animal intuition

. We've all experienced animal intuition at one point or another I'm sure. You know like when your dog comes up and nuzzles under your arm when your sad or your cat follows you around endlessly. All of my animals definitely know that I am pregnant  If you are not an animal person or you dislike animals then you are an alien to me and this blog probably isn't for you.
A just shaved percy!

  I didn't quite expect such a reaction from ALL of the animals. My little poodle-bichon who does not like being held is now constantly on my lap. If he isn't on my lap he is begging for attention. He has even gone so far as to act up a bit. Granted he is still relatively young but that is no excuse for a dog trainers dog. He is still a good boy.

 My husbands dog, a formidable corgi, now has dubbed herself my guardian. The only reason I call her my husbands dog is because she bonded with him much more than anyone else. If it weren't for that shed be my dog, after all I trained her too. Since Rob has started treating my a bit more like fragile glassware (which is simultaneously cute and frustrating this early on) she has not left my side.

That cat follows me around all day, sleeps on my head, and talks to me every chance she gets. At first i thought she was meowing because something was wrong, now I know its because she is trying to take care of me. She tries to groom me every time i turn my head. I hate cat tongue.

A sickly little bootstrap. Right when we first got her.
I must smell a bit different because all of the sudden the suggies began to rush the cage when i approach it. All of them try and lick my through the bars then bark at me when i walk away. Its amazing.

On the other hand I begin to miss my other animals that have passed like I miss people. My little buddy diamond, a beautiful mini schnauzer, was the first dog that was truly mine. She was the happiest little dog ever and even the formidable corgi mourned her passing. That is saying alot because usually Cheyenne doesn't care about anything else but my husband. She passed away when i was gone and that made it even harder. I miss my puppy.

Probably the best representation of Diamonds personality. 
In the same few weeks i lost my first ferret. i know that may sound weird because a lot of people equate ferrets to hamsters and not real family pets. Mo was part of the family just like everyone else. She got very sick very fast. Too sick to do test but not sick enough to put down. At least thats what the vet had told me. She was in a lot of pain and they wouldn't put her down.  I had her on my person for nearly two days straight and she finally passed away cuddling with the other ferrets. They were trying to keep her warm.
Ms. Mo not even a year old here.

My animals are important me. Sometimes its hard for people to understand how important animals are to me. Sometimes i can't talk about the ones who have passed for a while like my bird, Love.  I just can't. Don't get me wrong my human family comes first. Maybe my animals are above my in-laws, but thats not saying much.

Love. RIP 

Sometime I wish more people would understand my love of animals. Then i remember that I don't really like most people anyway. I have lost the need to explain myself when I tell people how many animals I have. I don't care anymore. They are a big part of me... My husband, my family, and my friends all understand and thats all that matters.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Excellent combination

I squealed and scared the shit out of my friends when I first saw this on a commercial! Two of my favorite things.Getting  New expansion on friday!


Like many people of my similar outlook and lifestyle I had always thought that I would be an unconventional parent. I  have always enjoyed such a wide variety of activities and styles how could I not be unconventional?

My parents, who are wonderful, did alot of very conventional things with me. My dad put me in softball, which I would have liked if my coach wasn't a tool. My mom taught me very maternal housewifey things like sewing and alteration. Of course excelling at these things gave me a bit of an ego. AS a child I was really good at everything creative. I have always been a bit different and the creativity didn't really help me in the normal department.  I suppose I was a bit different form the beginning seeing as my favorite board game was a Halloween graveyard style game and I loved scary  and violent video games. Now parents that do that sort of thing are rare.

What is really considered unconventional any more? It seems like parents get younger and younger and families became more blended. Today it seems unconventional to be married when you have your first child. I see nothing wrong with be an un-married mother, however. A piece of paper that gives you tax breaks doesn't exactly scream proof of a loving relationship to me.  Its entirely common for parent to play video games with their children, for both parents to work, and  for a child to have more than one mommy and/or daddy.

 At this rate we will be unconventional more because of our family values. I have a large family which will be involved in my child's life. It will know its great grandma and great aunts and uncles just as well as its regular aunts and uncles. We get together for everything and I seem to be carrying on the trend of having a September baby. This child will add another birthday to September making the grand total 5. Got to love Christmas time ;)

I think that it probably wont be uncommon for my child to see me making strange things like hair pieces and costumes then go on to do normal things like clean the house. I can't imagine sheltering my child from the thigns that make its mom and dad weird. Lets face it normal is vastly over-rated.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Worthless Human Existence....

I have been trying really hard not to sink so low as to post a hate blog. AS a matter of fact one reason I deleted my Myspace was because I had so many and it was unnecessary. I have been good. As I peruse my blog postings I feel I have been fairly passive in dealing with annoyances here.  Ive complained a bit, mostly about in-laws,  but not been aggressively nasty.
 If I let off steam it ill save me from hurting innocent people later on, like my husband. Now that I've needlessly justified myself, on with the rage....

My husband left this morning to clear snow at his fathers and didn't come back for some time. When he finally returned he gave me some of the worst news I have ever heard. His waste of life step sister is most likely pregnant. I say most likely because the fucking moron refuses to take a pregnancy test or see a doctor. Why, you ask? Because that means the fat fuck would have to stop doing drugs and drinking everyday. She refuses to stop.

This fuck-tard , dana, is horrid and I thank god everyday that those genes don't touch our gene pool.
Neither her nor her tool bag of a husband have any desire to get a job. They are funded by her seriously fucked up mother. She drinks and partys with them while knowing her daughter  is pregnant. I suppose dana never had a chance seeing as nothing good could ever come from her mother. Together they are both like a whirling abyss of hot molten shit.

  Of course as they leech of my cancer ridden father in laws nearly non existent social security they steal from us as well. Now, how wonderful, she would be due about the same time as I would. So now are we going to steal diapers and formula or finally grow the fuck up? Im guessing grow the fuck up isn't an option.  Luckily we have changed the locks.

Times like this I wish I was a bad person. If I was a bad person I could just not care about this poor child, if even it survives. I would be pissed if someone was stealing my baby stuff from me but could I really be pissed for long? It isn't the child's fault its parents are pieces of shit. It isn't this child's fault that its parents refuse to get a job to pay for basic essentials. I mean really how mad could I be that the child has food and diapers... and I have a little less money.

I know they are gonna stay close too, so I wont have a chance to forget about it either. Some people should be sterilized.

I can hope that a baby would be the life jarring event that causes them to change their ways. After all I've known some complete idiots who have children now and they make great parents, some aren't wonderful, but none are really terrible. Food, shelter, clothing, love, and patience when you break it down its not that bad. Money can be hard I know We've all been there but you figure it out especially for a child's sake.

Rob thinks this child is going to end up on our doorstep... I dont even know how to respond to that. 

Friday, February 4, 2011

Furry Babies

At the beginning of December the husband and I were busy scouting worthy dog breeders. We were scrutinizing blood lines, price, breed, and color of potential breeding dogs. I had begun construction designs on whelping boxes and pricing the whole operation out. It was exciting.

Then we happily discovered I was pregnant about mid January. That is an entirely different type of exciting.
Initially I was a bit disappointed I wouldn't be getting my big dogs or puppies. It felt like I was taking great leaps and bounds in one area of my life but stalling out in my professional dreams.

That thought has since been remedied. Just before we discovered the good news we bought an breeding colony of 5 sugar gliders. Beautiful gliders, all old enough to breed. Two of them even have rare genetics. Gorgeous lue het brother and sister... if paired properly could produce all white babies. On there Own they are gorgeous and worth more than what we paid for the whole lot. I believe one of my cinnamon gliders is pregnant.

 Why would I have to put my dreams of breeding on hold? I'll just scale 'em down a bit. I love spending time with my gliders, who are currently crabbing at me for moving too much. I will probably separate them for a while once we have the baby. I dont want to lose a joey because I am distracted by a much more important facet to my life.

   I'm not on hiatus.... just smaller scale. Mommy style and wonderfully happy about it.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


I did not expect such an overwhelming response yesterday! Almost everyone I told asked if I had a picture of the baby. Even after we explained to my father in-law that it looked more like a baby ferret in a egg yolk he was upset that we didn't bring home a picture. I don't think we could if we had wanted one because the ultrasound was so impromptu. So I stole a simliar one off the internet.

It doesn't look like much seeing as at this stage the baby is about the size of a lima bean. This is pretty much what we saw. It is so surreal.
I know im by no means first on the frontier of childbirth or pregnancy. I am however the first of my close friends to get pregnant. I of course had 4 friends from high school who had children at 17 or around there. I can't imagine having a baby that young.
My Mom had her first at 19 but she was married and  wanted badly  to be a mom. That is what she wanted since was a little girl. We have had the conversation so many times about how I cannot understand her wanting to have a child at 19. That was a different time and it was common to do such things. The fact that I cannot comprehend being a mom at 19 is a big indicator that I wouldn't have been ready. Truthfully I would have probably felt a bit cheated out of my youth. I don't like saying that but I see people my age or younger with 3 kids and still acting like kids themselves. Not everyone, mind you, some young mothers are perfectly wonderful. Not to mention other factors such as the father or family can contribute to the positive or negative.  Some women are programmed to be mothers early, and love it.

I however feel like this is an appropriate time.  Its time for a different type of fun a new path.
I am so excited. 

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


I say my baby today, well a small alien form in a yolk sac, but still I saw it.
Th Ob continued to use the words perfect and healthy through out the whole appointment. I feel so much better. I know I'm not quite out of the woods yet but the doc gave me some stats and figures that made me feel a lot better.
This ultrasound was impromptu after I told the doc how much trouble I had with my last OB. I get a more detailed and invasive ultrasound on valentines day. Which is really cute. Rob was more excited than me I think. He is making is a point to try and come to every appointment if possible.
what a glorious day!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I love oblivion


February can get fucked. I just want it to be over already. I have a feeling I'm going to be fighting off stress all month. The chance of a miscarriage drops by nearly 80% after the first trimester. This is the last month of the first trimester for me. I am trying to stay positive, honestly I know there isn't much I can do to prevent such a thing but the thought still remains.

Outside stress factors are truly what I am bracing my self for. As much as we try we cannot control people or make them stay in another state. Maybe I can will them away.   -closes eyes real tight-  ... damn. Granted I haven't experienced anything in the last few months that should worry me. No contact or stress in close to 5 months.  Better to be prepared, I guess. I'd rather not be jumped  by stress but pleasantly surprised if there is a lack of it.

Unfortunately I am facing the fact that I will soon have to deal with my in-laws, which I can't stand. Truthfully most of them are terrible manipulative people whom I'd rather my child not be around. Separately three of them are teetering on the idea of moving farther away, not quite far enough for my taste but then again I'm not sure how far that would take. I pray everyday that they move... far away.

I really don't have much to complain about presently. I am just preparing myself I guess. I mean we have a house, a big house. Limited bills, room for animals, a big yard, and projects to do around the house. My only wish is that I was closer to my family. Still I'm kind of spoiled if you look at it from any perspective. Pregnancy has made me a princess, I don't like it.
I shouldn't complain.... Im getting a new digital SLR camera this month.

As long as I vent it doesn't weight heavy on my mind, expect lots of venting.
The more I write the less tress I have.