Monday, August 22, 2011

I've been busy...

Recently I've made it a point to stray away from my internet life.
 I get really caught up in updating and stalking twitter, Facebook, Pintrest, and  this thing. Why? Well because I can't move. At least it is difficult to move and I'd rather be involved in projects or finding projects than waddling around the house.

I've collected more than enough projects, ideas for projects, and how-tos to last me a while. So I dove in. Made my own diaper bag, got commissions for 3 more fish hats, painted strange things on my bedroom wall, made more diapers, made paper roses, started making an activity mat for Lyla, Organized baby stuff, sketched and more. I feel rather accomplished.  I still have so much more to do. Then again, I perpetually feel like I am not doing enough. Even when I am doing too much.

I've come across an emotion I haven't experienced in a while, recently. Jealously. Ugly green thing snuck up on me. Bob ,Hubs Dad, had recently tried to make amends for being an overall idiot, jackass, selfish prick, etc. Hubs went to visit his father as a sort of tactical recon mission to see if the apologies were well meant.

I expected hubs to come back with stories. He always does. Stories of how bad the dogs are, how disgusting his step mom his, and how pathetic his dad has become. Of course the stories were the same, the house was nearly empty because he had sold almost everything he owned. A situation I would be more sympathetic to if more than one of the four capable adults living there had a job. The dogs were bad scruffy and unkempt.

 Still I was jealous. Why? Because one of his dogs had puppies... again. Four adorable balls of love. He doesn't deserve puppies. He doesn't weigh them, bathe them, make them proper food, know how to bottle feed, worm them, he doesn't do anything. He just lets them run wild around the house. I know its silly. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care that he has lost at least one puppy from each litter because of negligence, but that's not who I am. I care about the babies.

I could have puppies, I could have gotten a bitch any time in the last year. It wasn't the right time, I couldn't have cared for her and her puppies properly. Not with everything else that has happened. We decided to start a family because that window of time for us could close at any time. Could I have tried to have both? Certainly, but how selfish would that be? How impossible would that be?

 I took stock of what I was capable of before we decided to try for a baby. Well after the miscarriage because that was an oops. Could I care for Rob if he got sick again while having a baby? Could I care for his grandma too? Yes. If everything fell apart at once I could still care for everything. Could I do all that and try and run a legitimate breeding business?  I could try. Thats not what I wanted. I didn't want to risk burning out on something I love.

I guess I should call it a sense of responsibility with a twinge of jealousy. I know I made the right choices, I just miss having puppies. I love having gliders and glider babies, but they are a bit more difficult to place due to their demanding nature. Puppies are instant joy.

Its not just the puppies that bother me about Bob. His Step daughter, who lives with him. is having a baby, really soon. Like sooner than I am. Of course she has no job neither does her boy friend. The one adult who works in the home only works part time. What quality of life do any of these people have? What quality of life can these people give a child? I know they cannot care for animals, I know they cannot care for themselves, and I know they absolutely refuse to even try to do any of these things.

It scares me. If I think the animals don't deserve a life like that, How am I going to feel about this child?
Its dirty, filthy even in that house. I know my child wont even visit, and this child of the samne age will live there. Live among the feces, urine, smoke and fleas.

I always try to think that people can surprise me, but these people never do.

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