Thursday, December 8, 2011

Boss fight

Somewhere in the house is a broken snowman figurine. In its ideal state it spews fake snow in all of its encapsulated glory from an arbitrarily placed hole in his head. Now it just screeches randomly in failed attempts to do what it was originally intended to do.

Initially I wanted to throw it out. However anything that gets put in the trash bin gets sifted through by a vigorously annoying old woman. She thinks NOTHING is trash. So trashing anything without being incredibly sneaky (which is tiresome and tedious at best) is out of the question. It would just make its way back into the house. (she seriously breaks open trash bags and sifts through cat litter and dirty diapers.)

I desire nothing more than to kill this snowman. I have fantasies of crushing it, running it over with my car, and shooting it with a 9mm. I have shot Christmas decor in the past. My step-mother-in-law got me a plastic trio of singing cardinals and i took them outside with a .38...  so maybe I am a touch violent.

I don't like any of my in-laws... can you tell?

Anyways, I am always very adamant about the way I deal with my emotions. I get very frustrated when sad people surround themselves with sadness and wonder why life is no longer sunshine and rainbows. I tend to let myself be sad for a short amount of time until I begin to actively surround myself with happy things. There is no use in continually mourning a life that has yet to end, and to me that's what sadness is.This doesn't apply to all people I know, in fact it may not quite apply to me anymore.... but we will see.

I have begun my usual routine. Good music, new movies, new goals, and actively pursuing happiness. Because of this routine I have quickly and effectively pulled mysefl up in the past. Now that I think about it, The way I go about it is kind of systematic and cold. Forcing cheer in my face until I accept it as reality.I always think "I need to be a big girl and just get over it" . In fact if it goes on for too long I become a bit abusive towards myself.... Like some sort of inner demon, that is in fact just me attempting to motivate me.  <-- this describes how I feel , except the end. I haven't reached that part in my battle yet. And its not likely ill touch a spider anytime soon.

In some sense I feel like my life has become a boss fight in a cheesy video game where at the end your find out the villain was your "inner demon" or "dark side"  all along.

Dont you get pissed when the whole thing was a damned dream? I do.

All of my usual tricks aren't working. Honestly it is just as refreshing as it is frustrating. I should not be able to pacify myself in all the same ways as when I was16. Some things will never change like randomly changing my hair... but needing new things to turn myself around is a nice change. A building block, a growing pain.... now to figure out what in the hell they are.

Im a bit stuck right now, arrested development in a stasis chamber type of stuck until after January. Rob will be done with school and will not be gone 18 hours a day 3 days a week and 11 hours 2-3 of the other days.  I have him for a bit less than a year until he starts his next degree and we have yet to decide where exactly that will be.  

Lfie moves forward, I move forward. The direction has yet to be specified.  


  1. Wow, this sounds so much like what it was like for me about a year ago. In most ways, I'll argue yours is worse. How does this make you feel with having L?

    At least where I was at last year, I had school, people and way too much clutter in my life to distract me from that very same feeling. Now I'm in a similar position as far as the aloneness (I don't know how you do it, it's maddening).

    The only difference is I finally just figured out where I'm going. It's a shitty road and when you get there you realize you have to wait a whole bunch more which almost sucks just as bad, but it'll all be worth it in the end. Nothing is working for me either.

    I think a phone conversation would help us both though.

  2. I do everything I possibly can for L. Honestly she is an incredibly independent little girl. Half the time she doesn't want to be held. She wants to be propped up and talked to or just left alone with her toys. She always smiles and only cries/fusses when she is hungry. She sleeps through the night 11pm-7am and still takes short naps through the day.

    Of course being the person I am I always feel like i could be doing so much more for her. All though there is never anything that comes to mind. We read, exercise, listen to music, and do all of the other things that a 3 month old needs to do.