Saturday, December 3, 2011


I recently updated my Facebook with: Distant. I wanted people to know I'm not lazy or mean, just distant. Which honestly doesn't even describe the true depth of how far away I really am.

I've been fighting it for a very long time. Pushing back this unknowable feeling with all of my strength. It had worked for the longest time. I never let mysefl stay this way.

At this point all of my efforts to thwart this unknowable feeling have failed or fallen short.

I've dealt with a wide range of emotions at varying intensities, but I don't feel like blank falls under the category of emotion.

Thats how I feel. Blank. Broken.

Not broken down, more like an un-completed circuit. All of the components are there but yet there is no electricity. Maybe I have my wires crossed. Bad puns don't fix the situation.

I find myself staring at nothing for long periods of time. Today I stared at the save screen of Skyrim for about 10 minutes. Trust me there is nothing interesting there.

This unknowable feeling consumes me. I dont think about ANYTHING else... if I think of anything at all.
My mind is blank most times and swayed easily by negative emotions. If something irritates me the entirety of my being is angry, vicious and unrelenting. If something makes me sad I am unreachable and uncontrollable.
My range of emotions has become a grey-scale.

Maybe its the upcoming season. I hate the bitter grey nothingness of winter. Nw ohio is no winter wonderland. Its miles of blinding flat snow covered ground. Maybe if there was a bit of a landscape I would enjoy winter.

Thats a lie. I hate being cold.  

Is this postpartum depression, is it nothing, or is it something i have been bearing down on for a while?

I dont know. I wish I did.

Never the less, I will get better. I always do. I am just not sure what to do with mysefl at this point.

1 comment:

  1. I hate hearing this completely relatable feeling. It's absolutely awful and why I needed to get out of there when I did. I sincerely hope you don't have post-part-em. At the very least, as you know this is cyclical, you're riding the low after the high it seems (I can only infer from a distance) and you know once you essentially reach the bottom, you only have one option... that is to break. Then build yourself all up all over again... in the end, I'm confident you won't regret it, as long as you finish the job.