Monday, May 16, 2011

Plan out

   I have always loved the rain. I know, I know... just about every time it rains here I state that.

A few days ago the weather was absolutely perfect. Warm rain, light fog, and a wavering breeze. It was the first time I had meditated in the rain. It was simply beautiful. I've had a hard time feeling human lately. My brain just doesn't want to catch up to reality or at least a pleasant version of reality. So meditating in midst of my favorite conditions was a well needed break. Being wholly embraced by something tangible is bracing.

Its easy to take for granted whats around me. The smell, the trees, the garden, and the idea of whats real here can leave me rather disconnected. I need to be disconnected and stay disconnected. Trying to force unnecessary connection leaves me a bit strained.

I didn't go back to work so I could regain some purpose and some perspective. I felt if i didn't regain something of myself before returning to people, I would never be able to regain whatever it is that makes me... me. Now I've come to the hard part. Adding everything up while taking care of my family and without losing myself again. Everyone gets lost no and then... I just refuse to ask for directions.

Soon enough I will be adding mother to my list of attributes... and I couldn't be happier and more scared. Which I imagine is normal. contrary to belief I am not rewriting my life, I am simply changing the order of events. I need to learn not to plan out life...

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