Thursday, October 6, 2011

Arrested Development

No this isn't about the show, this has nothing to do with the show.
  (even though I LOVE love love the show and I am so excited for the randomly late new season and movie)

It feels like for awhile my life has been in a state of arrested development. The desire and passion to go forward was there, but the means and the opportunity were not. Don't get me wrong I am all about creating your own luck and taking initiative but at times all of my energy and drive was taken up by caring for others. I cannot go forward and leave my husband behind nor drag him along when he is not physically capable. His illness has always taken priority. Everything else tends to fall by the wayside when your life includes a serious illness. That Illness however,was only piece of the albatross we carried around for years. We have always gone out of our way for others, I could go into detail but it doesn't really help my point....

   For quite awhile we have wanted to move closer to home, closer to family. Having a baby increased that desire exponentially. Whats stopping us? Robs schooling for one. He is so close to being done... I couldn't ask him to pull out now and risk prolonging his graduation. January is not that far away in reality, but it has felt like ages ever since we began preparing for this. What else? Robs Grandma. We own part of her home, and the rest is willed to us including somewhere around 86 acres. Why do we partially own her home? She needs help and at one point she actually accepted it. Now, at 83, she is reaching another peak of stubborn harmful self reliance. She often falls and over works herself before she asks for help. In fact she waits till we leave before she starts potentially dangerous chores. I don't know how many times she has called us back to the house because she has gone to far and ended up hurting herself.

I've torn myself apart over this. She doesn't want help anymore, though she needs it more than ever. I have no problem helping someone who doesn't fight me at every step. It makes life difficult, and  my life is already difficult. So do we stay in a war-torn house or leave and let someone else deal with it? We are really it, unless she hires a nurse. I'm not sure she realizes that if we more there is no one else willing to help her. Apparently she has done this same thing to EVERY ONE else in the family. WE have decided not to cater to anyone else for right now. We need to keep our little family happy and sane .I think if we stayed in this war zone mentality it would be terrible for everyone involved.

We have decided not to buy a house right away. Though I desperately want to solidify our presence closer to my family, Its hard to argue with 86 acres. 86 free acres.  Especially when I want to breed and have a small farm. Not to mention in the spirit of compromise I agreed to be flexible in case something here changes drastically or rob get a wonderful job offer.  Luckily in the spirit of compromise rob has also considered selling those acres if we are settled when that time comes.

I want to breed. Thats all I've ever wanted to do but I wont do it without solid ground to stand on. This is the beginning. Finally. The big steps start now.

This week has been rough. The best friends I have ever had live in Tampa, I have a great friend in LA, and family who desperately wants to be with us an hour away. I am just far enough away from family where it is tough to visit, and so far from my friends where you need to take a vacation to spend any amount of time with them. Skype will be my friend for a while. At the same rate it all has helped us prioritize.

Sometimes it takes something a bit traumatic to get things kick started.

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