Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Weighing In

This point in my weight loss sucks. Ive been here before. Exactly this weight, teetering on the edge of a breakthrough but never quite getting there.

I hate it. This time I was looking for something to break the cycle.So I was going to cleanse and reset  body.

Then I tried to chop my finger off while cutting up fruit for the baby. I got 1 1/2 days of fasting in before I did this. I bled through two paper towels and a band-aid waiting for my husband to come home to inspect my new wound. A little bit lower and I wold have needed stitches. A little bit higher and I would have taken the tip of my finger off. Brilliant.

 By the time he got home (10 minutes later) I was nauseous, shaking and feeling faint. The beginning stages of shock. He quickly forced apple juice down me while he cleaned and glued my wound together.Then after informing me I need real calories (and not weird syrup water) he made dinner. .

There ended my fast.

At this point in my journey I always get stuck and always convince myself to love me as I am physically. Its hard not to. I got married at this weight, conceived a child at this weight. I was all together loved regardless of my weight. I never really had self image issues (until after my c-sec) and I always felt comfortable in my body. Losing weight wasn't really a big deal. I loved me. I still love me.

Now as I'm growing as a person I feel like this shape doesn't fit the aesthetic Im yearning for. I am not striving for skinny I am striving for me, the way I envision myself looking.

Now the fast is out of the question for at least a week, Ill have to find some other way to break the cycle. 

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