Thursday, February 24, 2011

Original Intentions....

My original intention for my blog was to document the more ridiculous aspects of my life under the pen name Moody. It seemed doable. Apparently I am strange and even if I'm not strange enough for the internet the combination of people I  tend to be around is strange enough. Truthfully it seems that the genre of oddish blogger is over-run by people who are odd for the sake of being odd.

 Now it seems that it has turned into a pregnancy blog. Im ok with it for now... It is a big part of my life and it affects me everyday. Now I dont feel like a pioneer on a new frontier called pregnancy. In fact I take solace in meeting ladies who have been where I am. Even more than that I love meeting women who are pregnant. Surprisingly twitter has been very helpful in finding these women. I even found a women who conceived on the same day as me (hooray for Christmas time fun!).   Fact: there is no taboo subject when you are pregnant.

  One of my goals has been to share the things I've gone through with people. I always have used my experiences to help people, or at least I've tried. You can lead a horse to water... etc.  I do believe there is not such thing as coincidence. I have been avoiding a topic for a while now. I have my reasons why but they are mostly unimportant. The important thing is that I was never afraid to tell my story.  I am not the only person who has had this experience, but you sure do feel like it hen it is happening to you.

About 6 months ago I handed my husband a book and asked him to open it and see if he liked my new bookmark. The "bookmark" was a positive pregnancy test. We both cried happy tears and instantly became overly excited about our growing family. I had to get proof of pregnancy from my Family doctor, for insurance purposes, before I could do anything else. Of course he could get me in for nearly two weeks.
  So, for two weeks Rob and I day dreamed about cribs and names. We even stopped into Babies-r-us just to browse. The smallest things excited us. We even told our closest friends first. Rob bought cigars and I spent the whole time talking about murals and paint. To each his own.
  When two weeks was up A nurse peeked her head into our waiting room and said "you're pregnant!" with a slight insecurity. After we expressed out excited she seemed relieved. " I never know if its good news until I see the faces, congratulations".  The ride home was spent fawning over the baby's current size which was about the size of a poppy seed. I dont believe I had ever smiled so much in my entire life.
  Shortly after the appointment Rob dropped me off at home and returned to work. Like any 22 year old nerd I started playing a video game. If your a gamer you know that when you have no other plans a good game can take up hours of your time. If your not a gamer well now you know.
   After a few hours of shooting supernatural Nazis, I got up to stretch. The most terrifyingly familiar sensation came over me. I was bleeding. I was bleeding a lot. I could hardly breath. My chest instantly tightened and I fought off a panic attack. I did the only thing I could think of. I called my husband at work. At the time he worked minutes from home and he made it there even faster than usual.  After a quick call to the Doc, we rushed to the hospital. Having to explain what was happening to me to 4 or 5 different strangers was one of the hardest things I had to do. Not because I didn't want to tell them but because the same look came across all of their faces. Its the same look you get when you just told someone your grandma died, but worse.
  I spent 8 hours in the ER. I swear they were trying to scare me. I knew what as going on. How could I not know? I was having a miscarriage. I wasn't in any pain, yet they continued to tell me that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. They found nothing outside of the uterus, but the ER doc still told me I would probably have to have emergency surgery.
  The nurse came in and asked a few questions. Then she cried with us. Though she couldn't officially tell me I wasn't going to have a baby anymore, she sat and explained what was really happening with my body. We went home and I sat outside for a very long time and did nothing but cry.
  Rob couldn't come to my Ob appointment the next day so Kaiser went with me. I needed someone to be there with me. The office, which i had called earlier that morning, had scolded me for not getting blood drawn that day. Even though they instructed me not to, not until I saw my doctor. As If i wasn't going through enough already. Again, in the room the doctor scolded me and even he threatened Emergency surgery.
  Somewhere between getting berated by an Irish Obgyn and getting blood drawn I started to  feel some intense pain. Something like your worst period cramps times 5. "Call tomorrow, we will have checked your HCG levels and if they dont go down we will get you into the OR that afternoon"
  Then it hit me. I hadnt told my mom yet. I had to force the whole story out over the phone through blubbering sobs. Of course, like a mom, she took the next day off of work and proceeded to call every few hours because the doctor had instructed me not to be alone at any time.
  I called and called and called the next morning. No response. My doctor had gone on vacation and his nurse couldnt read my results. For a week I didn't know if something in my body was going to ruin any future chances of  having a child. I was in severe physical pain and its nearly impossible to describe the emotional pain. Finally after an excruciatingly long week , no surgery. Just a miscarriage.  Like it was that simple.
  I am not a share my emotions kind of girl. So being around friends was tough because I dont cry in front of people. I spent days with my eyes to the ground explaining the physical pain and how tired i was. Then i spent nights with my husband thinking about the helpless poppyseed. He took it alot harder than I did. It wasn't until very recently that he stopped thinking it was his fault.

All of that makes this pregnancy terrifying. Everything about it is terrifying. I have started to not worry so much. The heartbeat helped me feel better. Rob however treats me like I am a fragile crystal vase containing a  flawless diamond. I can't blame him. He has wanted to be a dad ever since he was 17.

We survived. It still hurts from time to time and we will never forget our first baby who got to see heaven before he saw the world.

It does get better, I promise. Everything happens for a reason. Stressing out is not good for your or your body.

1 comment:

  1. You know, I knew all of these things, more or less, but hearing it all together like this... man. I think this was good for you. I'm glad you wrote about it. I'm also glad to know that you're finally (and Rob too) feeling a better sense of peace about the situation.