Wednesday, January 19, 2011


When big brother was home, so Christmas eve, our entire family was sitting around the dining room table. That doesn't happen often seeing as my brother lives in Colorado and Carey and I live an hour away from home. Still it was nice. a night filled with wine and laughter.

As of late my dad has become a bit more open and frankly its surprising. A man who does not know how to properly express his emotions is telling me he loves me and asking for hugs. I think my niece had a big positive effect on him. Christmas eve he said to us " You know we may have never really gotten along, but you guys really were, I mean are, great kids" then he looked at me " You weren't nearly as bad as I made you feel, you were a great kid, I'm proud to have you". Best Christmas present ever.

I wasn't a good child from the ages of 13-16. I had good reason, I was trying to keep a secret too big for a young girl to bear. I was assaulted by a stranger and a few months later by a boyfriend. I was fragile. Physically I was stronger than anyone else my size and even when I wasn't I put up quite a good front. I creeped around quite often and drank, because thats what tough kids did. It made me feel tough at least.

 I slowed to a halt around 16, it was enough. I was done being stupid. At that point I realized that I felt much older than many of my peers and quickly found a similar social group. We all were, and still are, quite superior to most of our peer group I found it was easier to fix someone else's problem than admit some of my own. I'm sure everyone does that at one point in their life. Though I have always been painfully aware of my issues, and that superior peer group is what helped me out with all of them.

Lots of girls have experienced the same thing I have. Everything we experience shapes us in one way or another, that is something we have no choice of. We do control whether it affects us positively or negatively. I have been bitten by many dogs as a child but I still love dogs. I have been hurt, physically and emotionally, by men but I am not sworn off them. It took me awhile to find the good in those instances until I began to help my classmates. I realized that I had experience that they couldn't deny and I could steer adolescent girls in the right direction. Though I still made a few mistakes of my own.  I was often the back up, the brave one. The one who said " Relax, I'll ask him for you". Even though most times I couldn't stand their utter stupidity, it felt right to help them. From then on I always had this deep need to tell people when someone else was doing them wrong. I hate seeing people hurt.

I used to think I was damaged from the weight put on top on me by various issues and heartbreaks. I am very sensitive to all of my relationships, romantic, family and friendships included. That doesn't mean I am damaged, It means I am alive. I feel what I am supposed to feel and I connect with human beings on a much deeper level than I realize. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love deeply and it seems that everyone I have loved, friend or romance, still has a bit of my heart and I don't want any of those pieces back.

Everything I ever have been has made me who I am today.

Glad you came out of the closet.... there isn't enough room for you to create and be a freak in there!

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