Monday, January 17, 2011

Tough Cookie

   I often fell that stinging twinge that i just might not be good enough. Good enough for what? Meaningful existence. I often rack my brain about going back to college and then see my peers and feel so far behind. I give myself quite a hard time. In fact that is where nearly all of my anxiety had come from in the past.

  On the other hand, I have trained in two trades and done very well in both. I was building a client-el before I left petco, for both grooming and dog training. I have viable well paid trades under my belt. Why do I still give myself a hard time? Thats a great start to what the hubs and I want to do with our farm. I'm pet first aid certified, I have birthed 18 puppies (and not lost a single one), I am an adept groom and trainer, and i have this strangely deep knowledge of dog anatomy and history.

  It would seem, to anyone else, that I'm on the right path to starting my own pet based business but I want more. I want to train under a better dog trainer than me, because honestly this student surpassed her teacher long ago. I want to learn multiple aspects of training... not just for a pet but for protection. I want to learn how to show and groom to show expectations.

  It isn't like I have been working at McDonald's since I graduated high school. I have been working since I was thirteen for Christs sake! I also spent nearly a year and a half caring for my ill husband, his idiot family, and working 40 hours a week. It was like having three full time jobs.

So why the self induced pressure? Because I'm smart. I am by no means a genius, but I am smart.

My parents always instilled  goals for me that I didn't necessarily want for myself, but that kind of influence sticks with you. I have always wanted to own my own business and be my own boss. that is not a goal to sneeze at, but i am stuck on very traditional college graduate standards. Something around the realm of  "you wont amount to anything if you don't have a degree" . Unfortunately I don't want to go to school for 7 years just to be qualified to learn  animal psychology.

What else is there?    Vet tech? Not enough jobs. Vet? I can't cut open animals.  Zoology? would be cool but still off track...... I have traced these steps over and over again, and it pisses me off every time someone  says "You should really go back to school". For what? Tell me please so I can get on with it or leave me  alone.

I am stronger than I give mysefl credit for. At 19 I took care of a household of 6+ people and numerous animals. All when my husband could barely walk and was in the ER 3 times a week and I worked a 40 hour week. I took on two trades. I have worked since I was 13. I have been stabbed in the back and front by a best friend. I have supported myself. I have done quite a bit.

So it leaves me to say...          If you don't like the way I live my life, Fuck off.

I am done worrying about traditional and social success standards.

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