Thursday, January 13, 2011


 I just spent some time head banging in my computer chair. Head banging is always more fun when you have a pony tail. My mind is a bit.... elsewhere. I shamelessly copied Kaiser, and added a playlist to my blog. Click on it, if you like to know how my mind works. It feels like an accurate representation. If you don't listen at least scroll through the songs and then you'll understand.

I often find my mind is going too fast, but not in any inconveniencing manner. I usually feel the urge to do three things at once. Yesterday I was watching a movie, knitting and riding my exercise bike surprisingly with ease. I have better balance than I thought.

Multitasking tends to slow my reaction time to jarring events. You know, like instinctively throwing a shielding arm bar across your passenger when confronted which an immediate stop or jumping backwards when you drop a knife. It doesn't slow them enough to cause damage (usually), but it is always enough. These situations always get my mind whirling.

I dropped a knife today and instantly launched backwards in an attempt to save my toes. We as sentient beings seem to practice self preservation well, at least in the physical sense if we follow our instincts. However,  I don't think that we are evolved enough to have the same knee-jerk reaction when it comes to other aspects of our lives.  After all I would rather lose a toe then get my heart broken like I have in the past.

 Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. We don't learn.  If I were an outsider looking at the entirety of my past situation, I would most likely think the worst and advise to "high-tail it out of there". The problem with human interaction is there is always an exception to the rule. People can change, if they really want to.

My husband is an example of being that exception. For years I thought I was insane, and nearly drove myself there trying to force things to change. Finally I made a change, I left. Nine very educational months later we decided to try one last time. We had a rocky start, but he has been amazing. Trust me I'm a pain in the ass to deal with, and he has done it flawlessly. Im still crazy, that energy is just focused now.

Unfortunately that exception to the rule tends to be few and far between, but everyone expects it to happen in that situation. We all have done it at one time or another, given someone one to many chances.  I know I still do in other areas of my life, I cling to people because of what was a very long time ago. Which tends to conflict directly with the things that truly matter.

 I am constantly around loving forgiving souls. We, as caring beings, want everything to be ok and for everyone to reach their potential.  Sadly I think we set that goal a bit to high based on what these people are capable of not necessarily what they want to put out effort for. Why don't we have the same knee-jerk reaction when it comes to emotional pain? At least when we know it is going to be inevitable. I will always give human kind a second chance and occasionally a third which , I know, says a lot about my personality. Needless to say there is a point where something would need to change and some of us still do nothing. That I don't understand.

Still I would forgive nearly everyone who wronged me in the past. That does not mean I would have to enjoy their company in any way. Sometimes forgiveness is the only closure you can get or give for an emotional wound. I still have a few issues that lay unresolved and without closure. Somedays I wish I could figure out how to contact the perpetrators and just make them understand how I felt. Some of them I'd like to hit with my car.

I think all in all we fear being alone. No lover, no friends, and no family would be a miserable existence. Forgiveness lays in our heart and we say 'just one more time'. Truthfully I hope the human race will stay forgiving. There is no path to love if you can't forgive those in your past.

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